cant ignore this problem for ever

[nursenight]

Hi, i posted previously regarding my relationship, dh has past drug addiction - currently not taking anything except ciggies! and alcohol (a bottle of wine after work.) we had a major bad patch around christmas time and he was on the verge of leaving a few times , mainly due to his view of me as 'mothering' him. we are now getting on great, he has been to gp he has been taking anti-d's due to stress/depression (a lot of work problems too) he seems a lot more chilled now which is great. BUT we havent had a sexual relationship for so long now i actually cant remember when we last did it - months, maybe 6 or so. the main factors in this are that he cant perform due to alcohol (so thats nigh time out) and on my side, i cant get in the mood with him at all, i have feelings there but not with him and i dont know why and i dont know what to to do about it? i do love him, im happy with him, but im worried he may have a fling. if you have any advice please i would be grateful.

oh dear, you both sound like your relationship has been in major strain for some time.

You have called yourself nurse, and you have said your oh says you mother him, you have said that he has had a lot of drug and alcohol problems and that he has been taking meds etc. It sounds like he wanted you to mother him and that you enjoyed mothering him and that he no longer wants that and that it is causing problems between you as he had grown from being dependant and vounerable to a man who is able to support himself more now?

How does it make you feel that he is stronger now? and that he needs you less?

I wonder if the lack of sex is due to that mothering that he felt from you, which to you was caring for him as he was obviously not well!

Has he always had addiction problems or is this a new thing?

Do you want to continue in this relationship with your oh, have you got kids?

thanks for replying i havent been able to get back on here til now so sorry for not replying sooner. yes we have 2 dc's , the youngest is 4. DH has always had addiction problems even before we met, all of his life really i think. he is now on anti-d's but as he is drinking maybe a bottle a night im not sure of the effect? the sex thing is really bugging me, what is the point of us relieving ourselves shall we say? i feel bad but it really puts me off that he cant keep it up and or finish due to the drink i suppose. i think we have both given up trying. sorry, dont know what i was going to say im waffling now. thanks for your advice anyway yes you are right i am the 'caring' type, my first DH is/was an alcoholic . my father also. i think for me the fancying bit goes after so much caring for someone but i always seem destined to pick this type. i wonder if we can change this 'dynamic' now he is pretty much sorted out.

nursenight

What do you get out of this relationship, you must be getting something out of this relationship otherwise why else would you be still there now?.

Him drinking a bottle of wine after work each night along with taking ADs is a bad combination. He's basically self medicating and that is very bad news. If you are truly happy with him as things are then you are kidding yourself - you would not have posted otherwise. You need to get out of that denial you are in.

He's just gone from one addictive type behaviour to yet another one and yet you are still there and still enabling him to carry on as he is. Enabling him only gives you a false sense of control and certainly does not help him.

And you're now worried he may have a fling!!. This man only loves his own self along with his addictions, you and your children don't even come into his picture.
Why would anyone else be interested in an alcoholic like he is?. No woman would want to be with him in such circumstances.

What on earth are you both teaching these children about relationships?. You both sound co-dependent on one another, you particularly so towards him. Why does he have such a hold over you?. You feel responsible for him still after all the crap he's put you all through?.

Small wonder as well your sex life has gone to ruin - he has mainly ruined it though through his actions.

Your father was an alcoholic and it is no surprise to me at all that you chose an alcoholic as your first husband (can you see the connection here?). You were taught very damaging lessons in childhood and now you're replaying them out as an adult. This guy you're now with is almost exactly the bloody same as your Dad and your Ex H was and you could not fix or rescue them either so stop it. It is all so predictable it is sad and again is no example for your children to be witnessing. You run a high risk of them having alcoholics as partners themselves in adulthood and they won't thank you for staying with this man if you choose to.

thank you Attila, I appreciate your comments, you are right, think i really need to get some help with this