What can I do to help DH feel better?

[essenceofSES]

Sorry this is long but if you ahve time to read and let me know your thoughts, I'd appreciate it!

DH and I have been together 5yrs, married for nearly 4yrs with DS who is 12mo.

Ever since DS was about 2mo, we've talked about ttc#2 from May 2010.
I remember specifically having conversations a few times but particularly in Feb, Iwas concerned about our lack of sex life and asked him about how we were going to get pg with no sex! He said not to worry, that work was a bit stressful for him and that that should be better by April.

Thus when AF returned at the beginning of May, I thought "perfect timing!" and started using ClearBlue Fertility Monitor. I told DH when I got my first high and we agreed to a GOF either side of the BH weekend (as I was away Thurs-Mon). Thurs evening came and he suddenly told me that he didn't feel ready to ttc. I was really disappointed, angry and upset and asked him to talk to me about why.
He said that he felt the pressure to "provide" for his family and he needed to get his head around it all. I tried to reassure him and explained that we'd never had money problems, even when I was on ML. (I'm now back at work 4 days a week).

I left it and then spoke to him about it again last night. He said he does worry about how we will cope financially and practically and that work is feeling the pressure of the recession, making it a very different environment to work in.
He also said that I make him feel like he's not a good Dad or DH because I'm always complaining and that that in turn makes him less likely to want to ttc and reduces his sex drive.

He does find it difficult to open up so I'm really pleased we've talked about this but I'm trying to think about when I complain and how I can change. Also I do think we both have a bit of a moan to eachother - not just me moaning about him.

I think many couples probably find themselves in a similar situation - the only times we spend time together we are tired from caring for DS and work. We do enjoy eachothers company though and DH was at pains last night to stress that he does love me.

Thinking about the last 24hrs, the things I've "moaned" about are him leaving the freezer door ajar overnight so I had to scrape the ice off to close it and him getting home later than he said last night.

Do you think I should try just biting my tongue about everything and not voicing my frustrations at all? I'm worried I'll just bottle it all up then. I know they are all fairly petty but when I've done a day at work, nursery run and DS bedtime, it just gets me frustrated.

We've only ever had one evening out together since DS was born and are planning another one ina couple of weeks for our anniversary. We are also going away for 2 nights at the beginning of July. I wanted just the 2 of us to go but DH has insisted we take DS (although we are getting a babysitter for the 2 evenings there).

Any thoughts on what I can do to make DH feel a bit more positive? AIBU with anything I've said? Any comments welcome...

I think I'd just forget about ttc for now, and concentrate on your relationship. The recession has hit a lot of people hard in their confidence about income, and if you had two under 2, your childcare bill is going to double as well as other extra costs. And being on ML again after maybe less than a year off will be much more of a financial strain.

Think about a few evenings out together, settle into a better routine with your DS wrt your working days, settle back into work yourself, and then once both of you are happy, then think about planning ttc

Thank you for replying.

You could well be right. I'd just got it in my head that we were going to ttc and my thoughts and dreams had run ahead of me.

On the flipside, DH is 39 and I'm 37 so we don't have an infinite amount of time. DH said last night that he didn't imagine an age gap of much more than 2yrs.

It's difficult to suddenly stop thinking about ttc but maybe I'll stop the CBFM for a few months and just try to concentrate on us as a family of 3 having fun. So easy to type but not sure how easy to actually do!

Hi Ses

Im sorry that you are going through this. It must feel rubbish.

I do think CMOT is right- concentrate on your rship for a bit and forget the TTC. Step away from the CBFM!! Maybe even get some contraception sorted out for a few months then he might feel a bit more relaxed about a GOF without a consequence...

Sounds like he isnt quite there yet and there are multitude of things troubling him about going ahead with #2. I'd say- remove all comments and discussions of it and take the pressure away. Give yourself a focus for your work for 6- 12 months or so and let things roll. Maybe agree a goal with work to keep you focused on achieving that before TTC?

I've a similar discussion with my DH not about TTC but about the pressures of work/looking after DD/ not really having any us time etc, us not really having a relationship anymore. It was awful and we nearly resolved by separating.... but we talked for hours about it and I think things are better for it. I had issues with my priorities- it was DD, work, DH - in that order. I twas completely wrong and it meant I never had anything left for DH. He was neglected and felt like a stranger.

The point being that I think issues with life balance are really common once the honeymoon period of a new child is over and the need to invest in couple time is so important but I know that is soo hard when you are knackered all the time and busy with work.

Will post on our thread too.

Take care of yourself x

The other thing I'd say- about the complaining thing. It's so easy for it to become habit.... I have to force myself to think whether he needs to know the issues at the front of mind- usually do with work etc- I will talk to him if I need advice but I now leave stuff at the door which helps a lot.

Giraffe - thank you so much for sharing your experience. It does help to know that it's not all that uncommon to go through these sort of issues.

I am going to try and not talk about ttc for a while and also try to give him a bit of space by trying to be more supportive in little ways.
The complaining is really more about us moaning at eachother about things we haven't done around the house and me trying to get him to help more with DS. To be fair he does help out - this Saturday he's looking after him all day whilst I'm at work and then getting my hair done but it's when we're both at home that I really am the default carer and DH disappears into the garden. That's what bugs me.
We complain about eachother leaving things lying around and not tidying up but I think we're as bad as eachother and just don't see our own mess IYKWIM.

Anyway, thanks for your support. I think this is going to be an ongoing one to work at. As I said, I'll try not to talk about ttc but will try another conversation next week about how he's feeling.

Sorry- I hadnt really meant to do that exactly- didnt mean to detract from your issue- I had meant - and didnt do it well - to explain how issues like this are similar...

Hope you have a good evening tonight.