'Ex' friend - should I congratulate her?

[Iwantscallops]

A bit of background first!

We had been friends for about 5 years and spoke and spent time together regularly. Loved spending time with each other (didn't do so with partners as they have totally different personalities) and we regarded each other as best mates. We didn't have a 'break-up' but she just seemed to not bother as much. I didn't chase her for her friendship - a true friend shouldn't have to do that but pretty quickly the relationship between us broke down.

I think the final nail in the coffin was me becoming pregant with dd1. DH and I were sucessful in conceiving after a course of fertility drugs and after 8 years had our long awaited baby. She and her dh tried for a baby unfortunately due to her dh health problems was unable to concieve. Getting pregnant almost turned into an obsession for her and it must have been upsetting for her to hear about my pregnancy. She sent me a card after dd1's birth and nothing when dd2 arrived 2 years later.

Now, I hear that she has recently adopted a little girl. I feel like I want to congratulate her, send a card and a present which will show her how happy I am for her and her dh but the other part of me wants to not bother as she couldn't be happy for me.

What would you do?

Send card & wish her well.

She couldn't be happy for you.....it's a VERY complex situation for your friend. Give her some slack I think.

If you genuinely feel happy for her, then go ahead.

She may well feel regret for not being able to be happy for you, and this would give her a chance to make amends.

I would send her something too

agree with the others/

Send something, sounds like you want to. Expect nothing back but I think sending her child a pressie is a lovely thought. Made me go 'awwww'.

Sounds like you have both been through hell. And she had longer there before her dream came true.

yup totally agree - look to the future not the past and maybe you can get reacquainted and enjoy each others company again with children in tow.

Send it.
It may respark your friendship.
If it was me I wouldn't hold her behaviour against her, infertility can be so hard to deal with. If the friendship rises from the ashes I'd welcome it.

I think you should send a card, or maybe even call.

Infertility, as you know, is such a painful thing and that is probably why she's become distant. Sometimes it's hard to know how to start up communication again so you putting out a hand might just be what she needs.

I have tried to cut her some slack. Had I not experienced fertility problems myself I may have cut her a bit more. I was aware she was trying for a family - the same time as me (although not as long) and would have been overjoyed if she had got pregnant (I may have had a little cry to myself later).

I feel that she 'dumped' me and that means shes not too bothered. I don't want her to think 'oh, it's her again'. I don't want to rekindle our friendship. I just feel like its such a magical time for her and I want to aknowledge it.

It hadn't occured to me she may feel regret. Thanks

Difficult.

She must have been utterly desperate for a child and I can see exactly why she would have been unable to be happy for you.

You, on the other hand, should be able to be happy for her because you already have 2 DDs and the associated joy that they have brought to your life.

So, I think you should be happy for her, but I am still unsure as to whether you should send a card. Probably you should. How old is the little girl - you could send clothes if she is under 1 or you could send a toy if over 1? Then you leave the ball in your ex friend's court.

Is the little girl similar in age to either of your DDs? They could play together?

Oh, you have been busy. Thanks.

We have both had a hard time - no doubt her more than me with the adoption process. I think I just struggled with the fact she couldn't be happy for me. Like i said, I would have been so happy for her should she concieved naturally and am so happy for her that she has the family she has longed for. I think this is why it's hard. She hurt me in a way that I would never have hurt her. I know I need to congratulate her and just swallow up the hurt of the past.

This is like therapy!

I'm not sure how old her daughter is. Pre school I think. (Found out through a friend of a friend). Ds1 is 2.10 and ds2 10mths.

Was thinking maybe a Julia Donaldson book. Ds1 loves them and I love reading them to him.

I would send her something.

I had fertility problems, and during the tests a close friend of mine became pregnant. I am afraid I handled it very badly, and we never spoke for years, my fault. We are now back in touch, strangely she moved around the corner from me, and I'll never get those missing 8 years back.

Go for it, you have nothing to lose.

Send it. It's such a complicated thing, longing for a baby. If she was jealous about a car or a house, it would be a different matter. It may also have been that you just had less in common when you had a child and it was just too painful and stressful for her to see you (neither of which would have helped her own fertility battle).

Send something

I would send something.

It may re-open the friendship, it may not.
See what happens.

Thanks all for your replies.

Thanks also maryz for sharing your experience with me and congratulations on adopting your son. I think as me and dh had fertility problems before she started trying it must have also been a shock to her that I would concieve.

I really must cut her a million miles worth of slack. Just wish I could have supported her through what would have been such a difficult time.