HELP - NEED CREATIVE MEANS OF DEALING WITH SIL

[MOMOF4]

Have a wonderful family and wonderful relationship with all in-laws until 2 years ago. Need creative, mature ways to deal with SIL with whom I had the misfortune of having my daughter 4 months after she had her second daughter. Very competitive with daughters, houses, children, attention of MIL and FIL, as well as other aunts and uncles. Very moody, extreme behavior changes and verbally attacked over trivial issues. I am the person that she uses as her target. I stopped allowing this by staying away, nicely from all family members on that side. Now MIL is very upset with me and lack of seeing our 4 children. SIL and BIL and their 3 girls all now live with MIL and FIL while they have been redoing their house. It has been 20 months and will take another 1 year.

Been subjected to being ignored, talked about, etc. Daughters were in same class at orientation of kindergarten - turned out SIL had very strong feelings about separating the cousins that she never told me. She called and berated me over the phone, arguing that I should never have allowed the school to place them together. I had to contact principal, let them know my SIL's strong feelings and take my daughter back down to school to introduce her to her new kindergarten teacher.

My MIL and FIL have been the most generous with time and attention - sharing amongst 10 grandchildren - until the SIL and BIL moved in. Now we never see them, never invited to Sunday dinner, phone calls maybe 1x a week - used to be almost daily. Birthday trip to Maine for all other family members invited but us for SIL's oldest daughter.....being left out and hurt continuously. How do I deal with this. Especially with MIL now blaming me for rift and not seeing her grandchildren.

Any advice - please! I have been so hurt, frustrated.....it is eating me up inside. Thank you very much.

What is the actual relationship here? Is she your dh's sister, or your dh's brother's wife?
It sounds to me as though what you are most upset about is not your lact of relationship with SIL (who you will probably never get on with) but how your relationship with her is affecting your relationship with your MIL and FIL. Which is why i'd like to know if she is your MIL's daughter or just another daughterinlaw.
In either case, perhaps you could sit down with your MIL and have a one-to-one honest chat - tell her that you feel you are drifting away from MIL and FIL which is sad for you as you have always found them a great support and great help and enjoyed seeing and talking to them very much. Tell her that you are concerned that the problem may be your SIL's attitude towards you, and your feelings about your SIL, which you don't at the moment know how to deal with. You could ask her for a bit of advice, but mainly use the chat to tell her how much you like and appreciate her and that you don't want to lose that. You may find that your MIL has noticed some or all of these problems, but as she hasn't been taken into your confidence is keeping out of it?
Just some thoughts, sounds very complicated and distressing for you. HTH

Gosh, I really feel for you. I'm really sorry you are going through this... What does your dh think, and also your side of the family?
Could you write your MIL a letter where you describe the situation calmly as you see it and also tell her that you would like to resume contact with her as you have appreciated her in the past and for your children etc... It is possible that she knows what her daughter is like. You could also write to your SIL - it does sound like she is very insecure and she may open up. Or ask your MIL to set up a family meeting where you can all talk possibly with a mediator (friend whatever)...
Do you live very close to them?

I'd warn against making it out to be your SILs fault, however you may view it. Put it across as a mutual problem between you and your SIL. You wouldn't want to come across as trying to "steal" MIL away from your SIL IYSWIM.

just realised I must have posted at the same time as princesspeahead and repeated some of what she has said

great minds, arabella...

MOMOF4, it sounds like you initially need to see your MIL and FIL away from their houseguests (SIL and BIL) and then you can smooth oil on troubled water.

You don't say what happens when you invite your MIL and BIL over to your home. Is this something you can do? I can't see that you'd have to extend the invitation to your SIL and BIL just because they happen to be living with them. If this really is a social no no with your family could you say you have two tickets to a show, film, boat trip etc, even a weekend away with you all somewhere and would they like to come along? After all it sounds like they have given you lots of attention in the past, so you could couch the invite as a special thank you for all their kindness.

Agree with soupdragon and ppp that if you talk to your MIL, it's best to put this across to your MIL as a mutual problem between you and SIL and ask for her advice.

If really no solution is found, can you ask her how she'd feel about you staying behind while your dh visits with the children, because you'd hate to think that MIL is losong touch with them, but equally you don't want her to have to suffer an strained atmosphere between you and SIL in her own home. And remind her this is a temporary arrangment anyway since SIL and BIL will be moving out once their own house is finished.

Wow - thanks for the great responses. For more clarification....the SIL is married to my husband's 2nd brother - plus another sister in law - my husband's sister age 37, her 17 year old son, and another of my husband's brother's - age 36 also live with my MIL and FIL........gets a bit complicated.............so I had really felt that anything that the SIL has said has turned my other SIL against us as well. She never calls or spends time with our 4 yet continually takes care of my SIL's 3 girls - one 10 months old. So my 4 feel hurt and left out when we run into them. She also used to be good about stopping by, taking for ice cream, stopping by soccer and baseball games, etc. She has no partner in the picture since the birth of her son 17 years ago.

Any ideas how I can bring her back into the loop?

thanks again for the great comments and insight. It helps so much to put it out there and get some positive feedback. This has been a load!!!

Hi Momof4

That sounds so much like my SIL! She is very competitive and loves to be the centre attention. When I stay at my MIL's house because we live so far away now she always causes a scene so that the attention is focused on her. Unfortunately have no real advice for you...I just tend to grit my teeth and walk away. The only time I said I would blow my top is of she had one of her "tantrums" near to my girls! Really hope you get this sorted out.

MOMOF4, this SIL sounds to have had a free run with all your IL's for far too long and to have got them all looking at your family from her point of view.

What does your DH think about all this? Does he know what's going on? What kind of relationship does/did he have with his parents, married brother, unmarried brother and sister? Because I think if anything is going to change here it will have to come from him initially.

The fact that your MIL is upset about not seeing your kids is a good sign, and I think it might be good if you could get her over to your house and you and your DH talk in very general terms about the atmosphere between SIL and your family and that you're not happy either about how things are...maybe SIL and her family could be encouraged by MIL to go out for the day/weekend and then your family could go to their house and touch base with everybody again?

This all sounds so sad and unnecessary, hope you can sort it out before it goes too far. The SIL sounds like a royal pain. Where are her family BTW?

Incidentally, what kind of house takes 32 months to do up?

Thanks to everyone who responded. It really helped to clear the air. My wonderful husband spoke further with his Mom and let her know again why we were so hurt and hesitant to spend time with the whole gang at her house. We now stop by and call regularly.......but it was all up to us...if we want a great relationship....it is because I am stopping by with the kids, calling and letting them have the kids over. It is up to me to ignore my SIL's subtle behavior, comments and looks.....then we all get along great....but as soon as I stopped and said enough of being her victim....I became the bad one and was withholding the grandchildren. Sometimes I get tired of being proactive, mature and always having to go the extra yard..............