Male depression & alcohol

[LittleonesMummy]

Does anyone have any good news stories and advice about surviving with a partner who has depression and is an alcoholic?

I am a sahm with two children under 3, and am married to a man I love enormously, that was diagnosed with severe depression 6 months ago. I understand depression is an illness, and he is getting treatment for that but it is frustrating being on the receiving end of his illness. I think it has been going on for a couple of years, and the treatment is working very slowly.

My problem is that over the past number of years he has also become increasingly dependant on alcohol, often going out and getting drunk leaving me holding the baby (literally) several times a week without being contactable. He has been to a couple of AA meetings, but not totally committed to it, although he seems to admit he is not in control when it comes to booze. He has had severe mood swings, becomes aggressive (verbally), talks about suicide (he IS under treatment by a psychiatrist using CBT and talking antidepressants), he seems upbeat when people/family are around and then collapses afterwards, he doesn't care about work, getting in one time, gets aggressive if I try and tell him what to do, won't participate in housework/home life or minimally... when he is "upbeat" he is a wonderful husband and father and I do love him so much, but I feel like I am being treated like a poorly paid cleaner and baby sitter, with an extra child at times, who has to walk around on eggshells and pander to him. Our relationship has always been close, but I am feeling increasingly as if I am being blamed by him for his illnesses. And he is increasingly out of contact (I never know where is he or when he is coming home) or is untruthful to me (seriously how often can a phone run out of battery), like a teen trying to get out of something... and I am feeling the strain of living with him and some of his behaviours. I just am finding it hard to understand how in one breath he can tell me how much he loves me and in the other be like this. And it is so hard not to take my frustration out on my wonderful gorgeous children, when I am frequently just wanting to sit down in a dark room and cry.

Wow...that doesn't sound very optimistic, but I guess I am having a bad day and am feeling so frustrated! I am just so confused whether we can "weather this" and come out the other end in one piece, or am I just deluding myself and being a bit of a masochist?

how do alcohol and antidepressants work together?

Sorry but you can't cure this, you can't love him better and he will only drag you down with him.
Tell him to leave the house and that you will only take him back when he is recovered.
It may not be his fault he's ill, but there is professional help out there for him and iit is neither fair nor right that your life and your precious baby;s early life should revolve around this man and his moods.

good god that sounds awful - you poor thing. Sounds like he is damn lucky to have you and I really hope he can wise p to that fact soon before he loses you or you go under too (seriously - sounds like you are coping with an awful lot)

if he is on anti-ds he really shouldn't be drinking - booze will cancel out the positive effects and possibly make him feel worse (speaking from experience here)

so, practically speaking - do YOU have support? IS it possible for you to have a talk with his medical team to explain how things are at home? Can you perhaps talk to your own GP and get some advice?

I really feel for you. My ex was (IS) a very alcohol dependant man and sufferes mild depression, in the end the combination, along with his disengagement from our family was what caused the end of our marriage.

GOOD LUCK (and a big hug as you sound like you deserve one)

i think they feed off each other,the depression,the alcoholism,doesnt look good to be honest

I think he is realising that alcohol and depression is a terrible mix, but the motivation to stay off is hard. He has been trying very hard, but I am always suspiscious of him as I don't think it would be hard for him to start again.

I am getting myself support, we are moving much closer to family, as we have been abroad for a few years - as part of him running away from his psychological problems (hindsight is a great thing). Probably the reason I am in such a state about it, having been so far away from my support, combined with feeling embarassed that this has happened to us.

I think I have been in such denial for so long about this, combined with promises of things changing. In fairness, he is trying, and does love me and realise what he has, but depression is a horrible, terrible disease.

LaDietrich - what made you finally crack and give up on him?

Alcohol as well acts as a depressant.

It sounds like he is still looking to blame others for his problems with regards to his ongoing depression but using alcohol to self medicate (this is probably what he is doing here) his depression will only make things worse.

Where is your own support here; do you talk as well to the professionals involved with him?.

You cannot rescue and or save someone who ultimately does not want to be saved. He will just end up dragging you all down with him and he's doing a good job. He may well love you but he loves the drink more. Giving up after attending a couple of AA meetings shows that he is still not willing and or able to face up to his alcohol problems and everything surrounding that.

You and your children deserve far better; besides which what are you both teaching them about relationships?. I would appreciate an answer to that one if nothing else.

They may be very young but they are perceptive and are learning from you both. This is no life for you let alone your children and all this is not a long term legacy you want to be leaving them. This will leave its mark in adulthood on them if nothing changes.

If you have not contacted them already Depression Alliance may be helpful to you:-

www.depressionalliance.org

I know . I just keep praying that things change, that the treatment works for the depression and that he can stay clear off alcohol, and that staying with him will be the best thing for our children in the long run...

I have spoken to his GP and been to a few of his appointments.

attila - thanks for the link

Have you made it clear to him that if he doesn't sober up sharpish, his marriage is on the line? That might give him the motivation he needs.

AA doesn't work for everyone. Is a re-hab clinic a possibility? (Is it available on the NHS?)

Maybe I can offer a little hope here, speaking as a man, a father, and someone who's depression drove him to the point of ending his life.

It can, and it WILL get better. Antidepressants take a few weeks to be effective but they can play an important part in helping your husband regain a positive perspective on the world.

Unfortunately, in the meantime, he will hurt the ones he loves most, while not letting it show to others (blokes don't talk about these things easily). It makes me so very sad to think how I treated my family while in such a dark mood.

My depression contributed to my relationship breakdown (other half meeting another man didn't help ) Fortunately, given my ex's career, social life and preoccupation with swapping partners, she entrusts most of the care of our baby daughter to me.

That beautiful baby girl, asleep in her nursery now, is the reason I'll never find myself parked in a remote field with a car full of tablets again. She is my world.

Make him realise his world is equally blessed and you'll get through it.

Thank you

Hi,

You need help for you and your children. Have you contacted Al-Anon?

Unless your husband gets serious about help, you will be in a worse, not a better situation as the years go by. Al-Anon will tell you that alcoholism is a progressive disease, meaning that it gets worse NOT BETTER. Many depressives are alcohol dependent and many alcoholics are depressives. This is his problem, not yours. Your role is to be a mother to your children. If you are unhappy, this will undermine your parenting. Learn all you can about being brought up in a family in which Alcohol is an issue. It devastates the lives of the children. They will either marry an alcoholic, or become one, in most cases. Can you spare them that fate?
Unfortunately your husband is absorbing your attention, not supporting you in your parenting role, and deflecting attention from your children. They only have one childhood. IS it fair to them to have their childhood blighted by their father's addiction. I have heard it said that depression is catching, in that it drags partners of depressives down, and they get depressed too. 2 depressed parents would be a dreadful scenario for your children. If he loves you or your children, he must get serious about help. He must choose, either he chooses to get well for his family, or he chooses alcohol.

You cannot help him, he must do this.

I have been there. It takes real courage to leave, but things get better when you have. Good Luck!

FFS don't rely on prayer. It's useless. Or even if it stands the slightest chance of having a beneficial effect on the praying person's stress levels, it's still going to do fuck all for fixing the actual problem - take actual action. You can't fix this man and your children are suffering while you try to do so. Throw him out - by all means allow him access to DC if he's stable enough, agree that he might be able to move back in when he's better, and indeed hope for him to get better enough to move back in. But don't try to cope with rehabilitating an alcoholic on your own. You can't do it. No one can.

Littleones,

re your comment:-

"just keep praying that things change, that the treatment works for the depression and that he can stay clear off alcohol, and that staying with him will be the best thing for our children in the long run..."

And how long have you already been praying for change, a change which has not happened?. You are all being dragged down with him into this pit of depression and alcoholism.

He is likely not going to change at all particularly whilst you yourself are around enabling him and propping him up. Do not potentially damage your childrens' childhoods either whilst you are waiting for a change within him that may not happen at all.

Hi Littleonesmummy - what made me finally crack? well, I guess it was when he repeatedly refused to get any help or indeed accept he had a drinking problem (although two GPs had confirmed he did) or to come to counselling. I gave it until Xmas last year. He kept just saying "wait and see", he had promised previously things would change but they never did. I got tired of this "wait and see" situation. In the end there was no one thing, it was a slow attrition of our relationship, the fact that my resentments were simmering in what even I could see finally was a hugely unhealthy way, my own Ad dosage was going up and up (while he happily tried a low dose for a month but refused to give up booze so lo and behold they had no effect). Also, I had a thread on here and some of the people who are similarly advising you opened my eyes to my position as enabler and to the fact that really he needed to WANT to change himself. Me and no number of GPs or other health professionals were ever going to make any difference until he did that. I remember sitting in the GPs office one day, back again for my AD prescription to keep me going, and she just said it straight, that there was no point any of us trying to force it. HE needed to make the decision to effect change. At that point I asked him again, he said no and I said if he couldn't do it we would need to split. He got himself a flat.

On a positive note, five months down the line, I have just come back from my weekly visit to my NHS psychotherapist today and he has asked whether I feel we need to continue with the sessions any longer...that he thinks such a deep shift has occurred over the past weeks that it may no longer be necessary. I am also going to go to my GP next week and talk about reducing my ADs. The future looks so much brighter without that millstone around my neck. As that was what he, with his total disinterest in changing or evolving in order to be a proper husband or father, had become.

I WISH he could have chosen differently, but chose he did. Your husband needs to face up to what he stands to lose here and you need to stop making excuses and taking responsibility for him (I did that for YEARS) and it is very very hard to stop - ultimately his problems are HIS responsibility. You can support him as he tries to deal with them but it is he who needs to do that trying.

I hope you get the support you need and are able to make the tough decisions you need to

Best of luck. It's a horrible position you are in but remember you and your kids deserve the best.

littleonesmum, I don't have any specific advice but to say that you are doing the right thing to be taking this seriously and to be looking for as much help as you can get. Alcohol and anti-depressants are a terrifying combination. I don't want to scare you here but my stepdad finally succeeded in killing himself about 15 years ago after one terrible night of heavy drinking and taking too many of his ADs, so I know the worst possible outcome from very painful personal experience.

I am really thinking of you and hoping you and your DP can find some way through this. Unfortunately, this might be at a distance from each other, at least for now . Wishing you and your DCs lots and lots of luck and love