Am i being unrealistic (sorry very long)

[mrswoodentop]

I?ve name changed for this although I?ve been on her for more years than I care to remember and I know this is long but I had to get it off my chest and find out whether I am being unrealistic

Am I being ridiculous, I don?t know but I feel weighed down with sadness at the fact that my dh seems to get so little enjoyment from our children. We have three boys ;16,13 and 8 ,I am so aware that time is slipping away and they will soon be grown up and these should be the happiest days for us .DH is obsessed with ?jobs?; how tidy the house is ,how organised we are ,last week he decided it was more important to polyfilla some holes in the summerhouse then to watch ds3 on his first go on ds2s big bike which he is now big enough for ,despite ds3 pleading with him .

On Saturday I took ds2 into our local market town to change his library books and some one to one,dh and ds3 left on their own. There were so many things that he could have done with him but instead I come home to find dh has cleared out the study, in the process reorganising ds1?s GCSE revision notes in a ?much more organised way?WTF;ds1 now completely annoyed .and ds3 had watched TV all afternoon.

On Sunday he has to work,fair enough, but does he have to choose the kitchen table so everyone has to be quiet in the main downstairs room of the house .All fine until the children start to argue and dh responds with his usual ?stop it, stop it??what is it for goodness sake why can?t he be more discriminating instead of us shouting stop it when they argue and turning off the computer(subject of argument)cue tears and upset from both boys.

Finally he finishes work. Great I think we could do something as a family but no he announces he taking the dog out. Not disputing the dog does need a walk, or in fact that the children will moan if asked to go as well but he doesn?t even attempt to persuade them or make an effort to engage them?just gets dog ready and goes. So I took dses swimming (dh doesn?t like going swimming, too many people in pool, even though we belong to a gym and its members only, don?t know really he just always turns his nose up at it)As usual at the weekend the only others in pool are children and their Dad?s ,cue ds3 asking why his dad never does anything fun with them. I always defend dh but do you know I?m fed up with it, why doesn?t he take pleasure in their company and want to do things with them. On Monday we did take the dog out for a walk which was nice to get the children out but he never thinks of what they would like to do just expects them to fit in with what he wants

This makes him sound awful he?s not but he has turned into a bit of a killjoy ,always going on about tidying and cleaning and it struck me yesterday that when he is in the house its a more solemn atmosphere, we all know something is expected of us IYSWIM ,yesterday evening he went out for a drink with a friend within half an hour the house was a alive again with laughter .Ds3 and DS1 were in hysterics as ds1 (currently doing GCSEs ) read out his practice essays for French in english,ds2 and I were out competing with each other on angry birds .Silly things that dh would look down his nose at but it was a light bulb moment for me as we all lounged in our bedroom laughing,dh would not only not allow this the children wouldn?t behave with this much freedom when he is around but it just wouldn?t happen ,ds1 in particular would never ask for help with French (dh very good linguist) for fear of looking stupid in front of his dad.

He does love the children I know he does but his lack of interaction with them, he never listens to what they say,even the 16 year old ,he can?t second guess them because he doesn?t know them ,is breaking my heart .I feel so disappointed in him, both of us had disrupted and frankly pretty ghastly home lives when we were young if we are honest and he knows that my priority is that the children don?t have this. Who cares if the study is a mess or the dishwasher needs emptying if the sun is shining and there is a picnic opportunety!I?m tired of trying to persuade him to prioritise enjoying the children ,maybe if he doesn?t enjoy them he just doesn?t and I should just accept it .

sayithowitis,you're right of course he is frightened ,I am suer that is the route of all this.i don't want to hurt him but hes not good at accepting that he could be vulnerable and i can't deal with this anymore i really do feel asif my heart is being slowly broken,its almost like a physical pain.He of course would say,don't be ridiculous and pull yourself together,but I really am reaching a point where i think that i will never forgive him if the children are damaged by this or we missout when they are older

You say that he does get sad when you address it, so there is hope - he is listening to what you're saying. Maybe keep on saying it and say it more forcefully. My H has on several occasions been in tears with what I've been saying to him.

I tell him that if he continues to be critical of DSs they could believe they are no good and grow up to hate themselves and have mental health problems.

I tell him I can see DS1 becoming anxious over eating as he feels he 'gets in wrong' so much.

I have told him we are happier and more relaxed when he's gone. (I am not a heartless bitch, I am usually in tears by this point too)

I tell him they adore him, that he is their most important male and it is essential he changes. They need him, he has to step up to the mark and be a dad.

I have these big conversations twice a year say and weekly reminders just as we're about to eat as a family say, 'remember H, don't criticise eating, just point out in a positive way how something could be done better and MOVE ON' If he is being unreasonable in a conversation with DS, I will pick him up on it and tell him infront of DSs.

After a big conversation things will improve massively (well maybe a day of quiet upset) but he will initiate shared activities and take one boy off for to playground/walk etc and then he really does seem to enjoy the time. He just needs so much support to break the mould that he is slipping into.

Hope this helps. I do know what you mean though about it affecting the love you have for your partner when they're like this. Not only are they not contributing positively to happy family life but they're being hard work. Frustrating

Actually he wants a swift kick in the cock to teach him to get over himself.
Tell him that he is to stop hurting his DC's feelings. IF they want him to come to a school concert or whatever, he should have the courtesy to do it.
The trouble with the nicey nice approach to people like this is it allows them to continue in the mindset that only their feelings matter. He is not the boss/owner of the rest of you and the house rules should be that everyone treats everyone else with courtesty and kindness.

I don't have a title to recommend, but someone else might know of a book that explains what to do and how one's past affects one's relationships with one's children (too many one's - sorry).

If you read such a book and then tried to get him to read it, he might find it helpful. Book suggestions anyone?

Good idea to try and find a book that might help.

I don't know of anything on how to break free from ones own upbringing when parenting but I am about to read Lundy Bancroft's book on angry controlling men, after people here have recommended it. I will let you know mrsw if is any help.

I have the tidyness problem with my H too and I think that is very controlling behaviour - making everyone feel bad about mess instead of just getting on and sorting it. The not being respectful of others opinions is controlling too, so maybe this book will help with those aspects.

I must say my H is much, much worse when he's stressed at work, and depression is also a factor during the bad phases.

MrsW - do you think it possible that he can change and do you want to stick around to help him do so?

Or do you want him to leave? Is it so bad that you want to live with your DSs, but apart from your H?

Only you can know which is the best thing for you in your situation but you need totally different strategies for each so maybe need to decide this before going further