Request for Down to earth,solid words of encouragement,Please!agement

[pinemartina]

Please can I have some down to earth,solid words of support to help me maintain a positive spirit and to help me avoid sliding into miserable ,self pity.
My baby is almost 8 weeks old and beautiful.Her father (my xp)has not attempted contact with her since I sent a solicitors letter advising a harassment order would be sought if he made any further contact with me.
He is a controlling,abusive liar.
Since posting on here,I realise I am well rid and have had a lucky escape .
I know I am lucky.
I have 4 older dc's who are lovely.They love their baby sister and are a great help to me and each other.
I am healthy and have a job which enables me to pay the mortgage on my house,run the car and support us all.
I know I am strong and resourceful and will survive.

But I am struggling to maintain this positive framing of my situation.
Underneath,I am desperately sad and sorry that I chose such a shit for my baby's father.I am relieved for us that he seems to have disappeared ,but sad for her that she doesn't have a Daddy.
I have failed to choose reliable fathers for any of my dc's - two previous failed marriages.
Although I "know" I should not care,I am considered a failure by my (dysfunctional,abusive,virtually no contact) birth family. I don't fit into social boxes.
When we go out - as we did,on the train yesterday, -I am "that woman with all those children".We went to church for the first time and lots of people struggled to work out how our family structure fits ,it makes them embarrassed as they trip over their assumptions - I feel that if I were fostering lots of dc's ,I would be seen in an easier light than single mother with new baby and 2 sets of 2 older dc's.We do not all have the same ethnic heritage ,so this brings assumptions,too.
I love all my dc's,I always wanted lots and I am very proud of them all.
I know that my pain and grief about what I hoped would be ,with xp, will ease with time.
I don't want another relationship anytime soon and can't imagine finding time or space for years.
I am not getting a great deal of sleep with b'feeding baby so am a bit cross and weepy with dc's.
Sorry if this sounds like self pity,I was a strong woman once.I am just feeling down on myself and my life and need to be told how to pull my socks up.
Any responses would be great!

Hi pinemartina,

I read your post and came away full of admiration and a bit awestruck at your evident strength of character and love for your kids.

Its completely normal for you to feel the way you do but I believe that the biggest factor in positive outcomes for children is being loved-and your kids clearly are very much loved.

I know how upsetting it is when things don't work out the way you want them to. The best thing I ever did was leaving an abusive relationship when my son was a baby.It didn't feel like that at first but sadly my ex will never change so I had to.

You will go from strength to strength but it takes time and you need to be kind to yourself in the meantime. Good luck

hi there!
i'm in same/similiar situation....4 older kids from one marriage (abusive,dv,no contact with him at all now)

and one ds with another partner. he's 2 now

but yes,we fail to fit in too. i find myself releived when i only have 3 or 4 of them with me,as also hate the 'woman with all those children/are they ALL yours' situation!!

my dad is the worst...when we arrive at family events he says 'oh here come the von trap family'.....

I've seen some of your other posts and you are a remarkable woman. YOu are very strong and resilient, and managing to be kind and loving to your DC despite having been raised by abusive fuckups who are still trying to bully you - the fact that you have had a couple of abusive relationships after that upbringing is no surprise.
You are doing really, really well, cutting the abusers out of your life - and just look at your lovely DC whose responses to nasty behaviour from others are kind, loving and appropriate. You are breaking the cycle of cruelty and neglect. That's really something to be proud of.

Hi Tiffany!

I also struggle with being asked " how do you cope ? " when the alternative - not coping - is just not an option.

And although I know I must be am strong,I really don't feel it.I feel lonely.And different.

I wonder if it is about feeling defined by my life in a way that I am not sure I would be if it had worked out in a more conventional way?

I know I got back with baby dd's father when I was pregnant because I found it easier to be "with the father",despite knowing I wouldn't be with him if not for the pregnancy.Then I got sucked back in by the bd

Thanks SGB ,your perspective on relationships has been really strengthening.
Particularly what you have said about society's definition of what a relationship should be.

It's fine to be a bit sorry for yourself. As you say, you aren't getting much sleep at the moment, breastfeeding is very tiring, and you've only very recently come out of a relationship with what seemed like a perfect life partner but turned out to be a dreadful madman. You're going through the process of re-evaluating your life and confronting some uncomfortable findings. I remember you saying work had been giving you some grief as well (?). It's a very tough time altogether.

But, as you also say, you have a huge amount to be thankful for. Have a little wallow, shed some tears - Heaven knows you've earned the right. Then remind yourself of the positives and know that eventually, hopefully quite soon, you will get through this into a serene place, with your fabulous children. Your strength will come back - it's just taken a knock, that's all.

Thanks Annie. Yes,I am on maternity leave,but my future employment is far from secure.I am trying to shelve it until I have to pick up the threads.There will be a tribunal hearing before I know what will happen.
Knowing what I do now, a lot of the situation has arisen because of a Narcissitic boss, supervisor and team member - all male. And the "advice and support" xp gave me regarding how to handle it all.....
(Another) big nightmare ahead

It will always be hard with a young baby to look after - most of it is tiredness, remember.

I have no advice to offer as I cannot even imagine your situation. You are an extremely strong woman, and you have taken the best steps to ensure the happiness (and safety) of your family.

I wanted to comment on your church visit.
It's most likely that the people in the church didn't want to say the wrong thing to you, because ofyour family situation - it can look stand-offish when people don't know how to talk to a new person.
I promise that the church is the best place for you to find new friends and emotional support. you will probably have to make the first move to talk to people.
You might find it easier to talk to the priest/minister about your situation, because then at least you'll have one person who knows your full story and can guide you towards the best people to make friends with. once you've got talking, you'll find you're accepted without even realising it.

please keep at it, you're doing so well already.

i suppose as they all get older it gets easier too....that little baby will be up and about this time next year. easier to explain away wen not so tiny i think

i love the 'how do you cope' comments,cos its obvious i do!

i do all my own diy and gardening and decorating,and can be found on the male oriented forums blagging advice! its a whole new world..

Oh how very shitty.

Fingers crossed you win. In any case you have transferrable skills so even if the worst happens, it isn't the end of the world, if that makes sense.

Thanks nickelbabe. I am not really a church person,although I do have a spiritual belief which maybe Jesus would have understood.
I went to church because eldest dd has joined the bell ringers and is interested in finding out about Christianity.
I do hope I can meet people as I am very isolated.

i go to church baby/toddler group.
and i used to bellring and do choir....made a fortune!! happy memories!

Pinemartina I'm another one who's full of admiration for you. You are such a brave woman! You didn't choose the situation, it happened, therefore you don't need to have the added weight of guilt on your shoulders.

You can, however, have the added weight of knowledge on your shoulders that you are doing the best thing for you and your DC's..... You all seriously sound like a wonderful little family unit.

It's hard trying to hold it all together and reconfigure your family with everyone finding their new space after all that's gone on. It WILL take time. Please don't worry so much about what other people think (hard, I know). You know in your heart of hearts what the situation is. It's a "need to know" basis - they don't need to know. They can sit there with their judgey pants on as much as they like - **ck 'em - who cares.

My two DCs have different fathers (well, HAD different fathers, they're both dead) so I'm on my own with them. I don't tick all the social boxes, you can't pigeon-hole me. My neighbours may very well gossip about me, which they do. I only acknowledge them because of where they live, beyond that, I don't care about them.

Sorry, my post is a bit long, but I wanted to let you know that you and your family are the most important people in this, not whoever may talk about you.

You're doing brilliantly

Tiffany - I guess that a newborn does attract attention - and kindly meant questions ,in the way an older baby probably wont. I hadn't really thought of that!

I do all that stuff too and both xh's were crap at it all. Xp,on the other hand,took over everything, which I thought was a relief - it was at first - but I have actually enjoyed getting back my control over the garden in time for summer.
So there's another positive!

Thanks Lemony - that is really encouraging.
Good for you!!

I have loads of kids as well and I always seem to be doing 3 things at once.

You are strong its NOT your fault the relationships failed and you are going to do this because your shitty ex will be laughing if you don't - and we don't want that to happen now do we pine???

Put a pic of him on the wall and throw things at it regularly if it helps.

~All the best pine I know you can do it

pinemartina you sound awesome. I think you're setting a great example to your children by not putting up with abusive, shitty behaviour and proving that you're stronger on your own than with some negative, leeching influence in your life.

You're also setting a great example by being slightly unconventional in your family set up but still creating a family environment that sounds as if it's very loving. It's good for children to have a role model that doesn't give a shit what society thinks and who does it her way.

No one has a perfect family anyway and certainly nobody has the right to judge you.

Pinemartina, you didn't fail to choose reliable fathers for your children, your children's fathers failed to choose to be halfway decent reliable.

And while my heart goes out to you that your birth family is so abusive that no contact is really a very good thing, I also think that not being a success to them is an excellent sign.

Your children are astonishing, and that's entirely down to you. In spite of the shit you've faced, it's clear that your children understand what it means to be a loving family. They are capable of recognising disrespect and abuse, and of standing against it. They can do that because you've given them security and complete certainty in your love and support. Being a bit cross or weepy with them at the moment isn't going to change that basic safety they've got.

Need to pull your socks up? Make a cup of tea and watch something lighthearted on the internet. Or watch a weepy and have a big old cry. Go outside and listen to the wind in the trees: that's the sound of the mumsnet crowd cheering you on. And there's more of us than there is of anyone else.

Go, Martina, Go! Go Martina! Go Martina!

Piiiine Marteena
Has five little kiddywinks!
Her ex - is a nutcase,
She won't see him coz he stinks!
Piiiine Marteena
Is a lovely lovely lovelee Mum!
Her parents are crazy,
She won't see them coz they're dumb!
Piiiine Marteena
Prouder and more lovely by the day,
Stronger and wiser,
She'll smile at you just to say:

Go Martina, Go Martina, Go, Martina, Go!!

What a fab reply Grace .

Pine, ive followed your story , and i think your doing brilliantly. I remember what your son said about your relatives abusive behaviour, what a fab little boy.

I think your more than entitled to feel a bit sorry for yourself, youve had a horrific time . Whether you know it or not your posts will be an inspiration to other women who are in these horrific relationships ( UA was mine ).Think about how many women will read your posts and realise that they too have the strength to get out as you have done.

Think about that on a bigger scale.

I would say, do go back to church. In a few weeks, you will be pinemartina, not that woman with lots of kids. You kids will be x in Sunday school etc.
I know of families in our local church with just as convoluted family structures as yours (actually when I stated to untangle it I thought I was in an episode of Eastenders).
Make friends and get some adult support. A good church with a good mix of ages is great for this, a few extra teenagers to hold the baby while you chat and have a cup of tea.

Good luck!

Thank you so much ,everyone. I love MN and I am sure I would not have got this far without everyone here.Checking in and reading has given me validation that is just not here in RL ,which has made going back to xp the easier option for the past three years.

Grace,I am really touched that you wrote that for me,thank you for making me smile!!!!

dignified - thanks for pointing out about other women gaining insight from reading my posts. I find inspiration here every time I log on.

Yesterday afternoon my 2nd xh came over to collect dd3 and dd.He has been getting a weekly shop for me ,and helping the younger dc's to put it all away,also taken dogs out with all dc's. After a lot of thought and discussions with all dc's,I asked him (last week)if he would come on holiday with us in July.
(I have been unable to get a refund on xp's ticket ,or to change dates,so if we don't go ,I will lose a lot of money.)

We have emailed a lot to discuss details this week. I have been honest with him.I would not have considered going with him in different circumstances.But I could really do with some practical help, to make sure all dc's get the most out of it,and so that I don't burn out!

He is really pleased. He will give me some money towards it (he has a very low income and hasn't much money)and we have been able to discuss details in a friendly,easy way.

Perhaps this is another positive outcome for me and dc's. My divorce from xh2 was acrimonious at the time and was due to his financial dishonesty.He was very emotionally unavailable and passive.But those issues are no longer my concern.
As friends,we can share fun with the dc's and negotiate how we use our time,with consideration towards everyone's needs.He was always fine regarding chores and childcare,and is really pleased to have this opportunity to spend so much time with all 4 dc's.The eldest dd's are fine with the plan.He has always remained affectionate towards them,they are glad we will have the opportunity to do grown up girl stuff together while he has the youngest with him.

Touchingly,he has said how much of a privilege he sees it for him to be around the baby so much.He enjoyed holding her yesterday and says he will be glad to make sure I get to swim ,or whatever,while he takes her while we are away.

We have,by email,discussed how there are no romantic or physical attraction issues between us ,now.There are certainly none on my part.He says there are none with him.We have agreed that a friendship in which we can co parent without conflict is more valuable,and have agreed boundaries around personal space - including leaving past conflicts in the past.
We both wrote a list of "remaining hard feelings" from our marriage.We shared them and it was ok.Those issues are now in the past ,and will not be revisited.

It went fine yesterday.It will be a bit of a challenge,a bit strange.I do find him aggravatingly passive and withheld.But then,I also find him interesting to talk to - he is a writer and used to lecture in classics and literature - and he has a great sense of irony which ds has inherited.

So,we are re defining our relationship.
Xp hated xh2 for no reason,and I avoided all but brief contact at handovers while we were together, >so as to avoid upsetting him

Wow, that's amazing. What I love about your post, above, is that you've discussed a potentially thorny issue in grounded terms, without hijacking emotions to serve as reasons. That's brilliant. I'm delighted you and family are going to get your holiday - you damn well need it! Please remember should-be-obvious stuff, like having to wear something all the time!!

The fact that XP hates XH doesn't mean that XH is automatically lovely ... but it does mean he didn't get drawn into XP's particular brand of insanity, so the change of atmosphere could be very healthy for you this year

I agree on going to church, as long as it doesn't hold distressing connotations for you. Could be worth gritting your teeth (closing your ears?) a bit - churches are still community anchors. Same goes for any other local, communal activities.

Glad you like your personal chant!