Should I invite my cousins abusive wife to our birthday party?

[msrisotto]

It's a big birthday coming up this year for DP and we're throwing a party, inviting family and friends.

My cousin's wife has nearly killed him by grabbing the steering wheel while he was driving on the motorway, physically abuses him and says she'll kill herself if he leaves her.

He didn't come to my sister's wedding because she didn't invite his wife. I would like him to be there but it would be awful if she were to come and i don't know if the rest of the family could remain civil to her. What should I do??

I think you have to invite her...not doing that might cause more grief for your cousin. SHe might decline anyway

If he's chosen to stay married to her, and you want to invite him, then I don't think you can really exclude her. Unless she has done anything specific to you, then it's not really up to you to say she shouldn't be treated as family, is it?

Well she has written a hate letter to his parents detailing all the ways in which our family have wronged her. I haven't read it but it included my dad drunkenly calling her by the wrong name.

One of the major ways in which abusive partners operate is to isolate the person from the rest of their family, to increase their own power over them. So, I do think you should try everything you can to keep in touch with your cousin and include him in family events. If the only person she victimises directly is her husband, I don't think excluding her from the invitation is really that good an option - surely the rest of the family can manage to be civil to her for one evening? They don't have to like her, or approve of her behaviour, but if they are rude when she isn't doing anything bad at the time, then they're not giving a very good example are they? All they do is make it easy for her to say "Your family hate me, you have to choose between me and them".

aah shit, i'm going to have to invite her .

invite her, and ignore her as much as possible.

It is not your fault that your cousin chooses to stay in an abusive relationship (and of course to a degree, it's not his fault either, as we all understand the behaviour of abused persons, male or female). Speak to your cousin. Tell him that it is a special day for your DP and you do not want any drama to ruin the day. Tell him that you would love to have him there, but that you are not going to extend the invitation to him or his wife. (This might make him evaluate his domestic situation or maybe not). Inform the rest of your family of your decision. This way, the whole run-up to the party and the party itself will be much less stressful.

Invite her, treat her with cool courtesy, but if she behaves badly, put her out. Like AMIS says, abusers isolate their victims and the best way for friends and family to help the victim is to keep on including the victim (and, unfortunately, the abuser) and keeping the communcation lines as open as possible.
But if this woman is the sort who gets drunk and violent, you can simply throw her out of the party if she starts - your cousin will probably leave with her but at least he will have had some time with family - and if she really kicks off then family will be there to support him and maybe even help him stand up to her.

Communicate with your family about it beforehand and have a plan. Make sure that there are key people who stay sober and keep a weather eye out so you can have a good time (or as good a time as possible) and if possible have as many family members as you can tell your cousin he has their support and how good it is to see him.

I speak from experience - my then DH had a family member like this (or rather, a family member with a partner like this) who had a few drinks and attacked a number of people at a family event, including dragging a teenage boy across a room by his ankle. It took four blokes to restrain her and they had no clue what to do with her - in the end they locked her in a car whilst her husband pleaded with everyone not to call the police. Luckily it seemed to be a real wake-up call for him and they separated about a year later.

We had one of these attached to our family. There is nothing you can do to stop her believing that the family is persecuting her.

But it's a good point that by not inviting her you are complicit in her desire to isolate her husband from you all.

I would say invite her, try to be civil, but don't let her presence dominate proceedings.

Easier said than done I know.

Agree the only way to help your cousin is to invite him + abuser.

I might be tempted - and I know this is wrong! - to pour gallons of booze down her, then goad her a little. Preferably in the middle of the dance floor, while somebody's making a video.

[evil grin]

Well she has written a hate letter to his parents detailing all the ways in which our family have wronged her. I haven't read it but it included my dad drunkenly calling her by the wrong name.

Did he ?

Yes, not a big deal surely?

I sometimes get called by my husband's first wife's name by his rellies. It's a mistake, it's not a big deal.
I'd find the cousin as annoying as his wife. Detailing her abusive behaviour to his relatives and then choosing to stay with her just puts everyone in a difficult situation.
I wouldn't invite any of my cousins to a birthday party as they live miles away and I'd hate it so the situation wouldn't arise.
Unless I was close to this particular cousin and wanted him to come I just wouldn't invite him or his wife.
If this is your husband's party then surely he won't care if your cousin is there or not? Different if it's his cousin. The party should be about your husband, not your relatives.
If this woman will make your husband's birthday unpleasant then don't invite her.
Your cousin needs to grow a pair.

That seems very harsh - is that the sort of thing you'd say to a female victim of domestic violence?

I do think that in the UK with our current legal system there is really no need to stay with an abusive partner.
I don't understand women who moan about how awful their husbands are towards them and then choose to stay. Yes they have self esteem issues, but if I had a relative who moaned to me about how awful their spouse was but refused offers of help and refused to leave then I would feel they were choosing to stay.
You can choose to make negative choices as well as positive ones. Choosing to drink excessively, take drugs, stay with an abusive partner are still choices. Some people choose the victim role as they can't face independance.
Yes it sounds harsh but it takes 2 for an abusive relationship to work (or not work).

Re the hate letter , if it contains complaints about actual incidants , is it a hate letter , or an objection to how they treat her ?

I don't wish to get into a conversation about "choosing" to stay with an abusive partner, that's a whole other can of worms.

We are inviting both sides of the family as it is also our engagement party as well as DPs birthday.

Whooo, congrats!!!

aww thanks

Re: the hate letter - it's a document of all the 'proof' that our family is evil and stuff, I don't know as the few people who have read it won't repeat what she has said, other than the rather amusing wrong name thing. It was like Karen/Sharon and it was once. Oh, another thing was (after a period of them being together/not together/together etc) my aunt saying to her once - so, are you two on again?

Again, not very sensitive (and she will have had a drink or two like my dad had) but again, not something to take great offense to.