Same old story.

[ineedtochat]

I kind of rely on mumsnet to vent my emotions, clear my head etc so here goes.
I asked dh to leave just over a year ago after an incident which left me an emotional wreck. Our relationship hadn't been good for quite a while and we had had a few other incidents, always whilst he was drunk. I was told here on mn that he was a violent man and it was domestic abuse, but I still can't get my head round that and wonder if I overreacted. It has taken me a year to take my wedding ring off and I still haven't sorted loads of things I know I should have by now, I feel like I have been very selfish to have split my family up over a few nasty moments which he doesn't even really remember.

Well it's convenient that he's forgotten, isn't it? Take a look at the threads asking why women go back to abusers, and see if you recognise any of the rationalisations in there.

Hey may 'not remember', but his comments were obviously bad enough for you to remember. Jog his balls memory.

Write down the bad stuff. Did you keep a journal, or post your problems online? if so, you might get quite a shock to read it back a year later.

Controlling partners really fuck with your head. I was still fretting over "what went wrong" SEVEN YEARS later! You know what fixed me? I read this, which described loads of things my ex did ... and explained what he was doing
Not to say yours was the same, but it can take a bucket of cold water to get your head round how nastily you've been played.

Hopefully yours was just a late-night moment. But, if you still feel bad tomorrow, post us some of the stuff that's needling you. I'm sure we'll be able to help you get it into perspective

ineedtochat - it doesn't matter what he remembers. You know it happened. His denial doesn't change the truth. Nor were you overreacting; you do know really that you would not have thrown him out over nothing much, however much he may be trying to gloss over it after the event. Going it alone is hard. You don't do it unless you have to. You were still the same person then as you are now, one who would not "split my family up over a few nasty moments" - it had to be bad or you would not have ended it. And if you have children, splitting from a violent partner is not selfish, it's putting your family first. Never mind if you're the only one he treats badly (as far as you know) - a bad male role model is worse than none.

Don't even think about letting him back unless there have been real, demonstrable changes in his lifestyle and attitude, ie help with the drink, true contrition and humility. By the sound of it he is doing the exact opposite; he's trying to make you sorry because what he did is "not bad enough to split a family over". This proves he has not changed and that he will do the bad things again, and again, if not worse. He sees no need to change himself, as he can just change history instead, with a wave of his magic wand. That's not a safe person to share your life with.

Put your name in the advanced search box and have a read through your old threads on here.
That will show you how bad things were and your frame of mind at the time.
He can't rewrite history and blame you, he needs to take responsibility for his actions or he will carry on treating people badly and then denying it/blaming them.
I don't know the full story but it sounds to me like you are well rid if he's not showing any remorse at all for how he behaved.

My ex has never admitted or acknowledged any of the things he did/said to me but that doesn't mean they didn't happen. It means that I definitely made the right decision to leave (and stay away)and so did you. You did the best things for your dcs and you and they are equally important.

a lot of people choose not to remember things that they did wrong rather than deal with why they did them.

If he did/said them again, would it hurt you again? If he can't remember what he said, then he can't remember not to do it again.

I have changed my name back and read my threads, not that I really needed to because I remember every day the incidents, but my thought is that a dozen times in 19 years is not that often.
He blames me for why they happened, I didn't show I loved him enough and I blame him for behaving like a male chauvanist pig, but this still doesn't stop me feeling guilty.
And yes part of this is probably due to the fact I haven't had a single break for the last year and am shattered and tired of pretending Iam doing ok.

Please read this post.

Just read it ItsGraceAgain, and yes so many things hit home, towards the end the silence for no apparent reason was awful. I think I know in my heart we couldn't go on living together, but I feel so sad, especially for my children which I think leads to the feelings of maybe I should have tried harder.

It is hard, lovely I'd dare to disagree about your kids, though. Growing up with a manipulator does horrid things to a child's self-worth. The kids often go on to abuse other children (not knowing any different, iyswim) then end up being abused by a partner in adulthood. All very sad - and a reminder that you HAVE done the right thing!

Are you doing enough to be good to you??
That business about "must try harder" is EXACTLY what controllers want, you know that. It can take a while to shake it out of your psyche. But you can help yourself, by being very lovely to you and praising yourself a lot!

They never remember funny that