Please help me explain to DH about my low libido

[lowlibido]

Namechanging regular! I've told him that I'm posting on here...he's going to read the replies.

We're having sex approx once every couple of months, and he's wanting to know why I don't feel like having sex more frequently. I've given him the following reasons:
We have three pre-school age DCs (5, 3 and 8 months old), and I'm just plain tired. I get mauled, grappled and chewed by three kids all day and much of the night (DS2 co-sleeps with us and I BF) and I crave solitariness...no that's not the word, as I love DH's company...I'm fine with hugs, but sex just seems really unappealing.

I also have a lot on my mind (we're trying to sell our house from miles away, and I'm stressed about the money side of it). My state of mind isn't conducive for romance!

I know what to do in theory - we should go out for "dates" and get some time to ourselves, but DS2 won't settle reliably in the evenings, and has recently been getting a bit of separation anxiety, so it's all but impossible to find a babysitter and to relax in the knowledge that the kids are asleep and happy.

Anyway, I've explained all of this to DH, but he's conviced there's "more to it". I've asked him what he suspects, and he thinks that I'm maybe worried about there being something wrong with my fanny(!), or that I just "hate sex" (in some sort of permanent way), or that I hate him. He's being a bit pissy about it, which is unlike him.

Please help me reassure him that I really am just tired and a bit stressed and that this will (I'm pretty sure change in the not too distant future and we will resume more frequent shagging.

Is there any way that it could be arranged for you to have one child free day a week. Say your DH does everything on a Saturday and you go somewhere or sleep or whatever. You could then return on Saturday afternoon/evening in a better mood and hopefully this will make you feel better. But your DH will have to try to avoid pressuring you.

...you both need to compromise othrewise resentment will build and undermine your relationship

You sound like you must be utterly knackered. I got into a rut of not really wanting sex and the less I did it the less I felt like it. It seemed all a bit too much on top of everything I was trying to do in the day and then to 'perform'. My DH also wanted me to dress up for bed which put me off even more. But once he took off any pressure I seemed to find the whole idea a lot more appealing and we decided to start just having a go and getting back into it. It kind of worked, just doing it got me thinking about it again and realising just how much I'd missed it! Tell DH that you need a slow lead into it. Once every couple of months doesn't seem like enough for a loving couple but I do know (and remember) why you are feeling the way you do. Sleep is just so much more appealing when you are utterly knackered but you need something for yourself too. Does this help at all.

Give her a break man! She is knackered and stressed. Its not the same for women, men can do it any time however they feel but ladies need to be feeling ok.

By being pushy, you are making the situation worse. Try a bit of understanding and support and you are more likely ro get some. It is {so I am told) normal for women to go off sex for about a year following the birth. Even watching couples snogging on tv is irritating. But it does come back to normal eventually.

Pour her a glass of wine and stroke her hair for an hour while she relaxes, you never know your luck.

Jeez.

You really don't need to give any more reasons than that, surely?

Mr Libido, it's quite reasonable MrsL doesn't want to do the wild thing with so much going on, but these things go in cycles.
When the house sale is completed and the children a bit older, things will be different.

It's normal to go off sex when you have small kids around. It's normal to want to have your body to yourself after pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, endless kiddiecare etc. It's normal to go off sex when you're stressed and you have stuff to worry about.

Hey, it could be worse. Me and DH are only managing it around once every 3 months due to feeling so tired and being so busy.

Agree with comments above but I think that the key is for the DH to make real effort to give DW some rest and time for herself. Then in return she will feel more loving and ready. Otherwise frustration can build even for the most patient understanding man...the male perspective.

I just noticed that the youngest is only 8 mths so DH may have to be a bit more patient in the short term.

Oh lord, I'm 19 months in after having No 3 and DH and I broke our drought of four months only last week!

yyy to the feeling mauled, grappled and chewed and I kEwym about needing some kind of breathing spce for your body.

My DH and I often discuss it, as I am aware that I am not exactly forthcoming where sex is concerned, and he is quite understanding about it really. We both know that this phase won't last forever (DS2 is a terrible sleeper still which means we are both permanently knackered) and that once they are a bit older things will get back on an even keel.

I DO have some undercarriage issues though

Best advice for dh as he really wont understand the whys and wherefors of how you feel emotionally. But he does need to understand that you still love him and find him attractive, it is your tiredness that is to blame.
Write off sex for the forseeable future. When you approach her do it slowly a touch on the arm a quick hug but dont push it further unless it is led by her.
This could be over a few weeks. Next, let the cuddle include an affectionate kiss again dont progress any further than this for a while. All of the above can take place anywhere but he bedroom. The biggest turn off for a woman is a desperate man.

You wont like it but hope this will help. Think of it as a short term sacrifice for a long term relationship.

Mr Libido,

Your DW is very super-normal and all will be well again soon. She needs some peace and quiet and a good bit of sleep. Try giving her days off from everything, changing the bed sheets (putting on really nice soft clean ones), running her a good deep bath and then encouraging her to go to bed early, alone, and say you'll do the DCs overnight.

This probably won't convert into a shagging session but you'll be going in the right direction. By upping the general lurve factor around you are at least not pushing her away, and you'll be bonding in a different kind of way. Carry on putting on the pressure and she's going start resenting you for just being another person who 'needs' something from her - a fourth child IYSWIM. Much, much sexier to be the strong, understanding, supportive, mature adult.

Good luck! It will come right. Pretty rare to lose libido forever, very common to lose it when knackered and stressed...

LD

Perfectly understandable - but you both need sex or your intimacy will be eroded - possibly permanently. I speak from bitter experience. So please do try to get in the mood for your DH as soon as you can. You're lucky he wants you.

hmmm...Mr Lowlibido - there isn't a woman on the planet who wouldn't feel the same as your DW (unless they had several nannies)but I'm wondering how come you are not equally tired yourself? you pulling your weight? eh?

and to OP; make some time for it even if you don't feel like it - you will get into it.

the more you have it the more you want it...

First and best piece of advice for the H: make sure you are doing at least your fair share of domestic work and childcare. It has been statistically proven that men who do their fair share (ie not cooking a meal once a month and expecting a week of blowjobs in return) round the house get more and better sex than men who don't.
Also, don't keep on at her. Constant nagging for sex is deeply offputting. Something that might help is agreeing that maybe 3/4 nights a week you will not ask for sex, that sex will only happen on those nights if she initiates it - this basically gets you out of the cycle of constant asking/constant refusal, which is wretched and gets steadily worse to the point that you get grabby and desperate and she starts fending off any kind of affectionate contact because she feels that even a smile will lead immediately to 'how about sex, then?'

I can completely sympathise. I have a 4.0 Ds a 2.10 Ds and a 16 month old DD. We live abroad so zero family help or babysitting opportunities. We have no unbroken nights sleep and both boys wake at 0530.

I completely understand that when you have had small people hanging off you all day in the evenings you just want to be left alone. I feel we are in the same trap as you. We have sex more frequently but if I am honest I would be happy to do it less.

I feel guilty as DH gets no time or even a decent conversation out of me as I am always shattered and grumpy. He is very understanding though and has never complained. Maybe he knows I would stab him with the bread knife if he did.

I don't know the solution but just wanted to say it is not just you. I just hope that as the children get older the exhaustion decreases and the libido slowly returns.

I don't have anything to add to the excellent advice already given, however, I do have to take isssue with this stupid and incredibly ignorant statement -

"It's not the same for women, men can do it any time, however they feel...."

NO, they can't and it's stupid assumptions like that that can cause problems in relationships too, men get tired and stressed too and stress is a major cause of loss of libido in men, just so you know.

Thank you all so much for your posts. I was at a loss last night with how to explain to / reassure DH about the situation. I think he's feeling relieved to know that I'm not some sort of anomaly.

Communeimage - I do know it's nice to be wanted, I really do! I'll make sure I reassure him on that front.