Is this a complete no no?

[nappyaddict]

Me and this person who I was absolutely besotted with had a bit of thing (was never official so not a relationship) last year which lasted about 3 months.

The thing is his identical twin brother has asked me to go on a date with him. We've done it a bit back to front because in September we had a drunken kis and in October a drunken one night stand (which he was a bit of a cock about after).

A few weeks ago we bumped into each other at the pub and it was obvious he was trying really hard to chat me up. We ended up having a kiss but I thought he was just trying to get his leg over and didn't think anything of it.

Since then we've chatted on facebook and he asked for my number. I said I would take his instead, but didn't use it for a couple of weeks and I text him Friday night. He said he'd been waiting for my call but I just laughed and said I don't think players like you wait for anyone's call. He got quite annoyed I thought he was a player and claimed to be a gentleman. I said people can act like a gentleman to get their own way with women, but they'll never be true gentlemen.

I said if I was going to call him I'd better stock up on vodka referring to our past nights when we'd always been drunk. He replied with no I think you should do it sober. On second thoughts let me take you out to dinner as well.

Now up to now I've thought he's just trying to sleep with me again. Last night we bumped into eachother and he said I'm not coming on to you but come back to mine for a drink so I did but said I hope you know I'm not a sure thing, to which he replied I hope you know I'm not. We had a really nice time but it didn't go further than a bit of kissing and slight groping.

Now he wants to take me out to dinner. If he was just after one thing he's going to a lot of effort. If I wasn't purposely trying to not sleep with him too quickly (from past experience have lost guys when I've done that) then to be honest he could ring me up when I'd had a few and it'd be easy to get me to agree. So surely he wouldn't make it such a challenge if he was just after sex?

He text me yesterday after I got home and then I forgot to reply to one of his messages. 9pm last night I had one of those just looking for an excuse to text you messages saying Up to much? I replied not really I'm at work and he said he was out with friends.

He has told me I'm not like normal girls. When I said why he said cos you play games and most girls don't. Not really sure what he means by that.

Sorry for my rambling but I just can't get my head around this!

Nappyaddict, you clearly want to go and therefore prolly will, we all think it's a bad idea.

He can only sleep with you if you let him. He might be only after one thing but you will soon find out if that is true. Go out for dinner, keep your knickers on, see what happens. You don't have to sleep with someone just because they buy you dinner.

In the last how many months? You missed off the number.

I bet you £20 if you go, you will end up shagging him.

What katycarr says.

Why do you need to go to so much effort to make it known you won't sleep with him?

By doing that, you are essentially then questioning why he would still wish to take you to dinner? Maybe he likes you, would like an evening in your company. That is why men usually ask women on dates.

Have you thought about working on these esteem issues?

Men find quiet confidence and self worth a lot more attractive than this vulnerable/brittle persona you seem to be working.

From your profile, I see you are only 20. And tbh, you are acting your age. WHich would bne fine, except you have a child. I despise my behavious being linked to my being a parent (am only a very very occasional social smoker, but it pissed me off no end when I took a drag about a month ago, and a friend said, 'fgs Hurley, put it down, you have kids') but really, political correctness aside, you need to grow up. Being free and easy is fine I suppose if you are free and easy. But you need to look after your own welfare to look after your son. And it doesn't strike me that that is what's happening. I hate to say it, but in my experience of being a young mother (am 26, single and have 2 dc), there are far too many men who assume that you must be desperate and therefore easy. And tbh, you are doing nothing to stop them thinking it. By going there for a drink when you are already tipsy, you are not lookgn after yourself, and, no matter how safe you might feel with him, you have admitted you don't trust him, and you are puttign yourself in unnecessary danger. What if he had forced himself on you?

I have been stung in the past so now I tend to treat all men as guilty until proven innocent with regards to thinking they are all only after one thing. It means I don't get my hopes up and get a nice surprise if they turn out to be decent.

"Why do you need to go to so much effort to make it known you won't sleep with him?"

Because if he is after one thing I'd rather him know he's not going to get it and if he wants to, make up some excuse why he doesn't want to take me out anymore and I'd know for definite what he was after.

"By doing that, you are essentially then questioning why he would still wish to take you to dinner? Maybe he likes you, would like an evening in your company. That is why men usually ask women on dates."

I guess I'd rather tell myself the worst case scenario and get proven wrong, than believe he does really like me and still get proven wrong. So yes the majority of me is saying he just wants a shag and the minority is saying but you've told him explicitly he will not be getting this why does he still want to take me out?

bearcrumble 12 months, if not a bit longer.

Hurley Whilst I don't trust him to not only be after a shag, I trust him to not be after it that much that he would force himself on me. When I was having a bit of a bad time a few months ago and got very very drunk to try and forget about it he actually took me home in a taxi, put me to bed and stayed with me until I fell asleep. If he had wanted to take advantage he could have easily, but didn't. I would never go back to somebody's house that I barely knew now or pre-dc.

Do you want to shag him (never mind whether you think shagging or witholding a shag is the better bargaining counter)? Do you want a relationship with him? You seem to be thinking much more about what he wants than what you actually want.

sounds like you're flattered he might like you for something beyond sex. why wouldn't he? i'm sure you've got a lot to offer. you don't seem to believe this though unfortunately.

putting his obvious keen-ness to one side, to get involved with him at all romantically would be misguided unless you have a VERY strong connection to him, ie something that could turn into love.

if not then you'd be seriously shitting on someone who has supported you through hard times. i can't imagine that would make you feel good about yourself.

what do you want from this relationship? do you want to be friends, friends with benefits, something more (as yet unclear)?

you sound like you're sending out mixed messages, and not even sure yourself. HE thinks you're playing games, which implies that he expects you to 'cave' at some point.

in what way was he a cock after you slept with him? forgiveably or completely an asshole?

think all this through, decide what is right for you, and stick to it. don't be ambiguous. maybe he hasn't raped taken advantage when you were drunk, maybe he wants to make you change your mind, so that you're more of a 'conquest'.

and if you don't want sex with hi - stop talking about sex, otherwise he will kepp thinking that you DO want sex, you're just playing hard to get.

personally, i't keep him as a 'friend' for a while, but i would bet money that if you start seeing another guy, he'll disappear fast.

"However in the back of my mind something is screaming there's something not quite right here"

LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS WOMAN!!

blinks I don't think his brother would mind at all. He knows about the first time and was fine about it.

kickassangel I suppose he wasn't a massive cock. My friend heard from his friend that he said it was a massive let down and rubbish basically. However it probably was, drunken shags are often the worst ones. Just stung a bit to hear it. Even if I've had terrible shags it's not something I would tell everyone about. Amazing ones quite the opposite

"HE thinks you're playing games, which implies that he expects you to 'cave' at some point."

Do you reckon once I "cave" then he will be off?

"personally, i't keep him as a 'friend' for a while, but i would bet money that if you start seeing another guy, he'll disappear fast." So best to not do any kissing either?

SGB Yes I do. I fancy the pants off him. And if he was to want a relationship as well then yes I think I would (as long as his brother was OK with it)

I suppose I'm thinking when he only wanted a one night thing before and we haven't really seen each other since October, only chatted on facebook why would he want more than a one night thing now?

He sounds like a twat I'm afraid. I don't know why he's pursuing you so keenly now but regardless of the reason, if someone told their friend they thought I was a crap shag I wouldn't go back there again in a million years.

It's unlikely, but even if he's madly in love with you now, in my eyes he would have blown it by blabbing.

I think you should listen to your instincts and draw a line under this whole thing and move on.

So he has told someone that your´re a cräp shag.

So-you want to prove that you´re not

Seriously-he discusses sex with friends-don´t go there!

Actually, he doesn't sound very nice at all. He sounds manipulative and nasty - some men are a bit like this. He wants to pursue you just long enough to get you into bed again and then he will go off and tell his mates that it's 'easy' to persuade women to have sex, just say the right things.
Like a lot of meanminded people, he's identified your weak spot - that you would quite like a relationship with him despite the fact that you are generally happy to have casual sex (and good for you: casual sex is fine) and he's using it against you.

My brothers are identical twins and they often got into rows over the same woman, or one brother would go sniffing after a woman the other brother had cast aside. All pretty pathetic, my brothers are obvious losers so the women kind of got what they deserved.

lol at obvious losers

god, nappy, don't go there, where's your self-respect girl, bet you anything both brothers know all the details.

And as for hearing that you were a "disappointment" from a friend of a friend, gad, surely that's a deal breaker before you've even started.

Inviting you for dinner is not a great deal of work for him...as others have said...the thrill of the chase and all that.

Still, at 20, I would go for dinner, drink water as well as wine...be charming, witty and wonderful...and when he invites you back to his place tell him he had his chance and he blew it by blabbing about you.

mumonthenet That's pretty much what I plan to do. Might aswell get treated to a posh dinner hadn't I? I usually go out with skint blokes with crappy jobs like me so makes a change to be going out with someone who has a proper career with proper money lol.

I asked him why his opinion of me had changed so suddenly and he said he hadn't he just put on a front of being a cock. I said he should let the nice guy out more often and he agreed but said the other side had to come out too cos girls get bored of the nice guy too quickly. I silently agreed - I always get bored of nice guys.

He says he hasn't told his brother because I deserve better than boasting about me to his twin and he hasn't said anything cos he really likes me. I said well you didn't think that last time so you can see why I might be a bit apprehensive and he said well I hope I can prove you wrong then.

So I feel slightly better about the situation but am still ready for the fact he could just be saying what he thinks I want to hear.

Run away, run away.

It'll end in tears.

Well I bumped into him again last weekend and we ended up going for a very long walk and chat. He said he never said any of that stuff after last time and reckons his brother said it to make sure I wouldn't go there again because he wasn't as OK with it as he made out. He said let me guess my brother's made me out to be the cocky, jack the lad one and him to be the nice one. I said pretty much and he said if anything it's the other way around. You really don't know my brother do you. I sort of had a moment of clarity and realised no I didn't which was sort of upsetting to find out after knowing him so long and realising I don't him after all.

We talked a bit about me and why I don't trust men, why I can't believe they would actually want to take me out and enjoy my company etc. He said he was bullied at school and used to be like me so he knows where I am coming from but I need to believe that I deserve the best and I can get the best. Anyway I agreed to give him a chance and we had a really good date and he wants to see me again on Saturday for a BBQ at his. He said that he hopes something more comes of us but if not then least we'll have had fun finding out. There's a tiny part of me that's waiting for him to go ha fooled ya but it's fading.

Haven't read the whole thread but I would not agree with some of the judgemental, unnecessarily unkind comments made.

If he is only after a shag then he's trying rather hard. Only you know if he seems genuine. If you want a relationship you could maybe work at being friends first and see if you get on well.