How do deal with MiL playing little games?

[googietheegg]

I've realised that my MiL likes to play little games and I need some advice on how to handle it. She's not a malicious person (I don't think) but I think she honestly thinks she's 'protecting' the family by telling little white lies, but I'm starting to feel like she enjoys (perhaps subconsciously) the control and the mind-games of having little stories, facts or pure gossip that she will or won't say depending on what suits her.

She has two sons (one is my DH) and she's recently been left by FiL after many years of her keeping his affairs secret from the rest of the family.

Problem is she'll not say one thing to one son and then it causes problems, or will say half the story and tell more later to the other son, or say that we shouldn't tell x this or that, making me think she does the same to the other son.

I feel like there's been enough secrets in the family and that we should try to be honest as much as possible. My husband and I live like this and while it can be a bit too honest sometimes (eg Do I look good in this? No, the other dress suits you lots better) I really value the not having to guess or fill voids.

Any advice on how to handle it?

Does your DH realise this is what she is doing?
If so, maybe he could agree with his brother not to co-operate in her demands not to tell so-and-so.

I've spoken to my DH and he agrees and says that he's had enough of the little games and lies too but he doesn't want to hurt MiL after what she's been through.

I know he'd always put our family first, which means a lot to me, it's just that it's getting so tiresome to realise that we're being manipulated.

I'd rather know about something difficult and deal with it that be somehow 'protected' from it, especially as secrets and half truths make people act weird!

my mother does this type of thing - you can't challenge her as she sort of believes the stuff she comes out with herself and would go ballistic if challenged. I think its a way of moulding the word to their own convenience.

Thing is, if it's that obvious to you it should also be to the other brother. So I would have a word (well, your DH could) and agree to take everything she says with a pinch of salt.

moulding the world I mean

You don't have to hurt her. But when she tries to tell you something and says not to tell so and so, say no, surely it's best not to have secrets from each other.

If you are all agreed on this approach, then hopefully she will give it up.

So someone who has spent years and years keeping secrets and having to lie to protect herself and her sons is having difficulty ajusting to a more normal life? Have you considered how hard things are for her?

Oh totally, LoveBeing, that's why we're trying so hard to be supportive and not make things hard for her in any way.

Her keeping secrets over the years have not been without impact though, so even though she must have thought she was doing the right thing, it made spending any time in their company a very stressful and totally tense situation, yet we didn't know why.

Unless someone wants to actually come out and says all that the only other thing I can think of is to make sure that you always respond in a way that encourages her to be open and honest with everyone. Does she understand how much the past has had an impact on her family?

That's a good question LoveBeing - I don't think she wants to accept the extent her choice to keep secrets had on the family. She knows there was some impact, but won't accept her part in it - she is a bit of a martyr to the affairs unfortunately, rather than seeing how/why. It's never just one person, or rarely anyway and it wasn't in this case. I'm not saying that makes it OK but it's hard when history has been rewritten in a one-sided way.

Is she quite old fashioned? Cause it does sound like quite an old fashioned way of dealing with a family scandle.

I suppose you're right, but it doesn't make it any easier as there are so many little rifts, secrets and 'I knew this but didn't tell you until now' type things that are starting to split the family.

Perhaps it's easier when the children are little, but her sons are nearly 40 so the game playing is getting a bit pathetic!

In which case can you get the family to agree that you pool all available info so you know what's really what?

we've tried that Katisha but the rifts already meant that it was seen as annoying that we suggested it!

I know it sounds wingey, but I've had enough of the game playing and it's gone too far to get back to even knowing what the truth is. Everyone in the family seems to have been assigned their roles and perfectly fuck all is able to change them!

Invite your BIL over. Get in a few bottles o wine / beer and compare notes.
Is what I did with 2 of my 3 brothers (other one wanted to adopt head-in-sand approach) over my father. Took a long chat / series of chats to start with and then just regular note comparisons following on.
FWIW I was the only one to challenge my father on it (and I don't speak to him any more my choice) but I couldn't stand all the games - too emotionally wearing for me. One of those 2 brothers no longer talks to him at all, the other ignores all that stuff.

What's done is done, in a way, and if this is about a family scandal then so what.

However, what you must do (assuming you have children) is stop any new little stories from taking root. If she brings up something from the past you can just stamp on it ("we don't need to talk about ancient history now do we Grannie?!).

And if she is going to have any childcare role or time with your children, whether you're going to be there as well or not, you must set ground rules. It must be confusing for kids to have a shifting landscape of what's what in the world - they might seem little chaos merchants but some solid reference points are essential, like who is who in the family.

If Grannie suddenly invents/reveals something like x having used to have been married to y but is now their uncle (?!?) which completely tips over the kids' view of familial relationships, it is not good. Either the kids lose trust in x and y or they end up thinking Grannie's a loon. Nobody wins.

Yeah, I would discuss with BIL as well - then just tell Mom you can't promise not to repeat the news. Basically, you have a habit of truth-telling; she has a habit of lying. Neither's all that unusual, and it's a pointless effort to try and make one party change to suit the other(s). I'm sure you do repeat stuff, anyway - everybody does! So it's more honest just to let her know you won't swear to silence.

As an addition: try not to go overboard with filling each other in on the missing bits, either. Just carry on as normal. If she is 'triangulating', any predictable communications (you always keep quiet OR you always tell) will provide her with a manipulation opportunity. Just saying ...

Good advice all, thank you. You're right not to keep this way of 'communicating' going for the next generation. I think next time something like 'We'd better not tell x this' is said, I'll just say that it would be better if we all knew the same things. ...hmmm, not quite sure how i'd word that?!

my goodness - that is my mother... Telling different , often totally different versions, rewriting history etc. It did divide my siblings and I. We now are wiser to her "information" and we check with each other before erupting in anger (me) or sulking for months (the youngest sibling).

So I can only advise to be open with other familiy members and accept her oddities and talk about it openly, cos' if it's like my mother - no change will be made there.

Dunno why my mother does it, we think it is a control thing, makes her the central point we all go to, she loves drama! She mangles it to be her way...

It's really hard work but I'd forget changing her and try other tactics.