Are my dad and his brother neglecting their mum? Should I intervene? Really tricky - appreciate some advice

[LadyBiscuit]

My gran is very elderly and lives on her own at her insistence. She also refuses all formal help. She has cancelled Meals on wheels, sent the bloke from the RNIB away with a flea in his ear, won't wear one of those alarms round her neck etc. But she has become increasingly frail and now is getting a bit confused - I had the same conversation with her about 5 times yesterday. Also her leg is very, very swollen. She won't see a doctor, nor does she want to go into a home but I think she's really unsafe and I'm quite worried about her.

She also looks pretty neglected which makes me so sad - her glasses are filthy, her hair is all over the shop and her clothes aren't the cleanest they could be. She has almost daily visits from her family but she won't let anyone help her choose clothes or do her hair or any kind of personal care.

Is there a point at which you just override someone's wishes and call a GP and/or put them into a home against their will for their own good or do you just let them get on with it?

Sorry, this is really long and a bit of a ramble but any advice would be really welcome. I really don't want to go riding roughshod over anyone's feelings but I really don't know the best approach.

I would start by contacting her gp. At least they'll be able to advise you on how to get her some helpl.

Very difficult when older people start to become confused and refuse help.

very difficult situation - agree that GP would be best first portof call. Has she had any falls or done anything which would put her at danger?

What does your dad say when you talk about it?
Unfortunately it quite often falls to women to realise that anything needs doing - I know so many people where it's the daughter that does it all and the sons let her...

The problem is (which I have cleverly edited out of my OP) is that my dad and his brother as her children are 'in charge' of her care. And the pair of them are a couple of wimps to be honest (she is a bit of a tyrant and they're scared of her so if she tells them no GP, they agree). I really, really want to go over their heads and speak to her GP but would I be justified or really interfering?

Well it's either that or wait for a crisis to happen which forces everyone's hand I suppose.
I think it's a very common problem that the elderly refuse care and are terrified of being "put away".
GP would probably be sympathetic to you if you contacted them with your concerns.

I agree that you need to contact the GP, then she can be assessed by someone that knows what they are doing. Calling a GP for someone is hardly interfering, and I'm sure that the GP wil give your dad and uncle a talking to so you wont have to. Win Win?

Katisha - my dad just gets really upset when I say anything but doesn't actually do anything because he says that his brother thinks we should listen to her wishes ie he just shirks the responsibility. They are both paralysed in fear of their mother if I'm honest which is absurd now given she is a wizened old lady and they are both retired but she terrified them all their lives I think .

I think your best bet is to refer the issue to the local Social services department for older people.

Its my experience that this is "bread and butter" stuff. A social worker or support worker might be able to get over to her that the best way for her to maintain independence is to get the health care she needs.

Is she eating ?

from 1foot

How utterly frustrating LB.
I can kind of imagine becming the case with MIL eventually/
I think that as the one NOT in denial, it wouldnt hurt for you to go and see GP in confidence and ask for advice, mentioning the problem with the sons...

I am going to have to interfere aren't I? Even if my dad and his brother are just going along with what she says

The swollen leg is worrying apart from anything else.
Talk to the doctor and then see what he/she suggests in terms of what to do next.

I think that you are not interefering, you are taking repsonibility that no one else is willing to take.

Thanks all. Not sure who her GP is so I'm going to have to talk to my dad. She does eat 1foot but mainly crap - biscuits, cakes etc. She is too frightened to use the gas cooker and can't use the microwave.