on DH behalf - would you reply?

[ThatVikRinA22]

DH family has never had much to do with him, me or our children. ive always had the feeling they didnt like me much.

his parents divorced a number of years ago and went their seperate ways. (during this time, his father, who im sure was depressed, tried it 'on' with me, in our house with DH upstairs sleeping. i asked DH not to confront him, but his father wouldnt let it drop so i stopped any effort i had made at contact too at that point)

he has 2 sisters, but neither they nor his parents have ever made any effort in terms of contact, phonecalls etc. for some reason DH sisters always came first with his parents - to the extent that they moved house (and City) and actually left my DH with a relative when he was just 15. on talking to DH about it over the years its clear they were always distant with him and never really bothered with him as they did the girls. im sure this has hurt him, but he is very stoic and just gets on with things.

he has usually just kept contact to a minimum, things like cards at xmas, that kind of thing

recently, out of the blue, he received a birthday card from his sister, asking him to get in touch as she wanted to ask him something about their father. he texted back, she texts back. It turns out his father is unwell, and has said that he misses getting cards etc from DH. no "how are you? how are your children?" ie- their grand children/nephew/neice- nothing like that.

now, number one - this simply isnt true. he does send cards at xmas etc. and secondly, why, after all these years, should he be the one to make the effort? they have, and always have had, our contact details, phone number, address etc. he has tried to stay in touch, but finds them hard work, and was always the one to have to contact them.

he hasnt bothered answering the text yet.

i had said that in light of his father being unwell, he could maybe write to him every so often. he cannot phone him as his father is deaf as a post and cant hear anything by phone. we really have no idea whats going in in any of their lives and vice versa.

should he reply to his sisters text? there are clearly alot of things that have been left unsaid on DH behalf, but its unlikely they will ever meet up and i suppose via text isnt the way to say stuff. DH would never bother to air his hurt anyway. but would you text back putting her straight on the fact they think he never sends cards or anything? would you bother?
if he were to say he would write to his father it would likely be me doing it anyway. they are just a very cold family. my kids are 18 and 12, and they never get a birthday card. seems a bloody cheek to me.

would you make an effort to keep his father happy? would you reply to that text?

No, I wouldn't reply. I'd just keep the usual amount of postal contact with the dad though.

I think he should reply and say that she must have it wrong as he does send cards but never hears anything back.

Yes, I'd reply saying a) that he has consistently sent cards and b) that any time his parents feel like getting in touch with him he would be only too pleased to hear from them.

The number one thing your DH has to think about is whether he will have any regrets when his parents die, because that's when all those unsaid things rear their ugly heads again. If there is any chance he might feel guilty that he didn't pursue contact, or that he wishes he'd told them how they made him feel, then he needs to act. If he's content with how things are, then let things lie.

HOw old is the father? is it possible that he is forgeting he has received them? I have relatives that forget they had eaten on the day but who receive periodical visits from people who is long gone IYWIM. So no point of getting precise about these things.

Its very likley that his father is very unwell/not going to get better. I had to contact my brother who I do not speak to to tell him about my dad being in hospital and asking him to call him. I didn't reall want to call him but offered to take pressure off my parents. I know that I could have made a better job of the phone call. I know the circumstances are somewhat different however my point (yes i ahve one) is that regardless of the cards/contact issue his sister has commented on, it could well be that this is a time for your dh to make a decision he might have no way of undoing if his father is close to dying.

no idea how old his father is now. he could have forgotton i guess.

i know DH probably wont say anything and will just carry on sending cards.

it actually makes me quite sad that they think its ok to tell us to send their family cards when they never ever send our children one on their birthdays and have never made any effort with us what so ever.

i truly dont think my DH has any feelings at all really for amy of them. they have been so distant with him all his life. he was really clever at school and won a scholarship to a private school, they didnt take the place for him.
they are strangers to us, and sadly to him. DH hates awkward situations, and i think contact now would be awkward in the extreme for him. i would like nothing more than for him to speak to them, i have no family so its really unfortunate that his turned out to be so cold.

the injustice of this text irks me. but i think he will just end up leaving it and not replying. when i ask him he just says it doesnt bother him. i dont think he thinks too deeply about it.

I'd text back saying cards are sent regularly. I'd be very tempted to add that it is never reciprocated. I'd also be tempted to tell sis to butt out, but hey, probably not a good idea