Two light bulb moments and not sure what to do about them

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

1st - thinking about a letter the woman who gave birth to me had sent and it suddenly dawned on me she is a bitter woman and bitter about me.

2nd - I comfort eat, I eat when I am not hungry, knowing I have x to eat makes me happy, I feel crap afterwards. It dawned on my that I wasn't free to eat as a child and I was so desperately unhappy that eating was the only thing that made me happy and I am sure some people would have thought I was greedy/had a big appetite. What they wouldn't know is that I ate like that as I never knew when I would next be given food.

Fab, is your Mam still around?

If so, what is your relationship like now, if any?

I assume she is still alive. I haven't seen her for 17 years, haven't spoken to her in longer and have only replied to one letter she sent a few years ago.

So what now?

I have no idea what to say if it suddenly becomes obvious the very person who is there to protect you and nurture you did this.

How can you see fit to move forward?

My mum was alcoholic, and I felt she, in the end, chose alcohol over me, but now I see she was not the one in control, the booze was.

I don't know what to say to make it better

I will be happy the day my mother dies and I get very upset when people post on here that their mothers have died as I would trade mine in a heartbeat. Choices in the end.

My mother never protected me so

Ok, now that you have realised about the cause of your comfort eating you can do two things:

1. Acknowledge the problem and seek help to sort it out.

2. Blame it all on your mum and continue as you are.

Option 1 is the most difficult but in my opinion the one that will result in less emotional and physical harm in the long term.

That's very sad indeed. But totally understandable you say it.

My mum was a fantastic mum till the alcohol took hold, then she got brain damage with it and turned into someone else. She died two years ago

Looking back, she did the best she could.

It looks like, from an outsiders point of view, she didn't deserve you.

I hope you have people around you, who love you.x

Chandra - I am not blaming my mother for my food issues.

Fab, do you have to do anything just yet? I know what it's like when you get a sudden revelation but sometimes it's good to dwell on things before making decisions about what to do...

Hmm, Fab, having a bad relationship with your mother doesn't mean you will be happy when she dies. It's possible that a part of you still hopes (against all odds, against possibility really) that she will come to her senses and be a proper mother to you.

Her death will mean the death of that hope.

Are you getting therapy?

I have no decision to make about my mother as I will have nothing to do with her, ever.

I will always want a mum but mine can't do that to me. I will be happy when she dies as then I won't have to worry every day I go to get the children from school and they are not out in the first 2 or 3 that she has got them.

I am in therapy and funnily enough we talked about her last week and the week before.

Oh, I'm glad to hear you're geting help - I had thought, by your initial post, that you might be.

Has she tried to take your kids? Eeek.

Agree with Belle, not sure you have to do anything. Making sense of some of the things you do and have happened to you is an achievement in itself.

I wish I could sort my food issues though. I am exercising every day but not losing weight. Sometimes it feels like I am fighting against the people who wouldn't feed me by having the biscuits, chocolate or crisps but I am only hurting myself.

How long ago did you have your lightbulb moment about food? Maybe it will take time for the insight you have got about your eating to start affecting your behaviour.

I think I have known for a long time but I didn't know if I realised the reason or whether I made an excuse for my failings. It was only a few days ago that I really felt like I had a light bulb moment wrt this.

I wonder as well how important it is for you to lose weight? Like is your health at risk? Or is it something that you can accept about yourself, and understand the reasons why you do it.

It isn't at risk at the moment I don't think but I come from a fat family so it is an issue. I seek comfort from food but don't get it then feel crap and rubbish and then fight myself.

I once heard the saying that 'if hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer' - it was a lightbulb for me. Boredom / happiness / sadness / depression / anger / fear - yup, you can find me in the biscuit tin!

You're not alone fab, I wish you all the very best. Go easy on yourself - you know from personal experience that there are far worse things we can do to ourselves and those around us than having a few confort-eating sessions. If you don't smoke too much, drink too much, take drugs, take prescription drugs, exercise or anything else obsessively, you're doing pretty good in this day and age - where people even get addicted to shopping!

You're not a bad person for eating the occasional wrong thing, however I applaud your decision to take ownership and make sure it's possibly more occasional than it has been in the past. Go girl, - leave your mum behind you with your guilt about food - you can do it!

I suppose what I mean is maybe you shouldn't beat yourself up over this.

You sound amazing in lots of ways: survivied an abusive childhood, gone on to have your own family, and are brave enough to work through things in therapy.

Thank you .

I am having tests for all sorts of things including thyroid issues as I have put 2 stone on since having my youngest and I honestly don't know why. My Gran had thyroid problems too so it seemed sensible to be checked out.

they'remybiscuits...that is exactly what has happened to my mother but she is still alive

tis difficult to know whether to blame or not...I have varied over the years but I generally feel she had opportunities to stop and didn't..I do not see her