Staying together for the kids

[trivoli]

A friend of mine has been confiding in me lately and we have become quite close. He is a married man and I am also married but the relationship is platonic and just a close friendship.

He is early 40s and been married since his late twenties. For the last 6 years, there has been no sex at all in his marriage. For the last 2 years, they have slept in separate bedrooms and the official line on this with the kids is that it is due to mummy's sleep problems she needs her own room. He adores his kids and is determined to keep the family unit together for their sake. He and his DW have been through various cycles of counselling and therapy. He is at the point where he does not think it is possible to fix the relationship with his DW. There is no touching or affection of any kind and they rarely talk to each other without the kids.

They do however put on a united front to the outside world and do things together with the kids. He says that he respects his DW a lot and thinks that they make a good team as parents and in bringing up the kids.

He is, despite all of this, very low and sad. I admire his determination to do the right thing but I also wonder how he can face the future knowing that they've tried everything and his relationship won't be fixed.

Is anyone here in the same boat? I so want to help him - everything I suggest re getting things back on track with his wife - he has alreday tried. I can't bear to think of him living this life for ever more. He is an attractive and warm person. His DW is lovely too and I feel that both of them could find happiness elsewhere and still do a great job of co-parenting. It just seems such a half life. I feel if he remains in this relationship for the next 10 years, it will slowly kill all the joy in him. I would never advocate splitting up a family but does there come a point where you have to say enough is enough?

For me I tried to keep my marriage together for the children for too long. Eventually, bit the bullet and have now been separated for over a year. It has been incredibly hard not only financially but also friendship wise as most of my good friends are married.
There has been no other significant 'other' in my life and after nearly 30 years with someone I do feel lonely at times. However, I am incredibly happy and know I have made the right decision for me. Although the children did struggle with it initially as I didn't discuss with them how unhappy I was which in hindsight was wrong.
I do think that at some-point this man will realise that he wants out...just be ready to support him, when he makes his decision

It sound like they have a great 'non-spouse' relationship. That is the absolute key to it working if they lived seperately. It would work.

My parents seperated when I was 12. Don't remember it ever being traumatic or difficult at all. They both had rules that it we were at one or the other houses we had unlimited access to the phone to call the other. They funding our travel back and forth whenever the inclination took us.

We decided ourselves who we lived with and because it wasn't an emotionally charged break up we based our decisions on things like location and friends, and we frequently changed our minds and swapped, and then swapped back etc etc. Sometimes we even went on holiday with them both together. It can work!

Thanks for these messages. They sort of fit in with what I think about their situation. They are both really reasonable people and financially it might make things a bit tighter but they'd be fine. He is a doctor and his wife works part time. I'm pretty sure he would give his DW the house etc to keep the kids feeling secure.

His overwhelming concerns is for his children. He has told me of a few incidents where he has actually had deep and meaningful proper talks abdout the situation with his DW and it has ended up in shouting and tears and the kids have been very upset by seeing him in tears. I don't want to comment on that but it seems to me that that isn't great for the children.

I know the stumbling block may be that his DW is religious and would want to remain in the marraige regardless.

It is really positive though to hear that people have made that move and it hasn't all ended in disaster.