DH just joined Families need fathers-any experiences?

[beekeeper2]

We have agreed to divorce and are attending mediation, meeting 2 on Friday really productive & made headway agreeing arrangements for children.
Then DH joins families need fathers and has now come out really fighting-going for custody of children, minimum equal shared care. He works full time mon-fri and is not flexible in that, I work three short days and have total flexibility, but more importantly don't want the kids to have too much instability, or to see us in disagreement-does anyone have experience with families need fathers?Seem to be making things a lot worse to me but obviously DH would disagree hmm

Sorry just seen your last post, sakura. But you would still need to explain to me why exactly why my 10yo should feel closer to me because of a pregnancy that he doesn't remember and isn't at all interested in. He cares about who feeds him and talks to him and plays football with him and cuddle3s him when he is ill or upset.

From assiduous reading of Mumsnet (particularly Toxic Parents thread) I am not convinced that pregnancy is any guarantee of a future good relationship: I think it is what happens for the next 18 years that counts.

Sorry just seen your last post, sakura. But you would still need to explain to me why exactly why my 10yo should feel closer to me because of a pregnancy that he doesn't remember and isn't at all interested in. He cares about who cars for him now, who feeds him and talks to him and plays football with him and cuddles him when he is ill or upset.

From assiduous reading of Mumsnet (particularly Toxic Parents thread) I am not convinced that pregnancy is any guarantee of a future good relationship: I think it is what happens for the next 18 years that counts.

I agree on that Cory, I have a toxic parent myself- my mother actually.
My father was s SAHD for a while as I was growing up.
It taught me that neither the father nor the mother can replace one other. Not only was my fathera SAHD, but he was the better parent (although still pretty shit).
All I can say is that from a child's point of view I should imagine its devastating to lose contact with a mother. It's devastating to lose contact with a father too, but I don't know...I haven't made my mind up on this yet.

I mean, my mother worked very very long hours, weekends, evenings. I hardly ever saw her, but I didn't think it was great to have my dad around. I just didn't understand why my mother wasn't there, and it made me feel unloved. When my father wasn't there and my mother was I didn't miss him in the same way. THis is totally anecdotal so dismiss it if you like, but from my own experience I have come to the conclusion that there is a big difference between mum and dad in the eyes of a child.

I take your experience on board but I am still with Cory. My DS would be not be any more devastated to "lose contact" with me than he would be with his father. If he had to choose he might well prefer to live with his father.

I dont blame him, otherwise all he will get is every other weekend. Cant you see that one of the issues when you split is that unfortunately you will see less of your kids, sad but true

The good thing is you only work 3 short days so inevitable you will see them loads

I am really sad for your family, but I think he deserves equal access to you, end of

Well, I appreciate your contributions, unfortunately dh has now decided we are no longer in mediation but going to fight through the courts. Thanks especially to dittany who seems to have understood my preicament, I didn't really want to put too much info herre but obviusly that leaves lots of what if...
We triede going to relate last year but they identified relationship as abusive, dh refuses to acknowledge this, he did start attending perpetrators course but left after three sessions, he accepts marriage is over but refuses to leave house while we sort things out. I have been main carer all childrens lives, they are 11, 8, 6, I have done all sports days, xmas plays sick days etc, and whilst I am so grateful I have been able to spend timie with dcs he has always said he works full time 8-6 asnd refuses to be flexible...until last few weeks when now he has completely taken over, withdrew all money from account just on payday, becomiing more and more abusive -not physical just psychological and emotional...anyway, now back to square one with going back to solicitors, he doesn't seem to want to sort out with minimum upset to children, he seems to want to make it as painful for me as possible but I realise I need to try and see his perspective its just that he can't pick kids up at night or drop them off or take sick days, or be there for them, he doesn't get involved, doesn't know who friends are, wouldn't do swimming lessons etc-maybe I am just being pessimistic, I have been very down lately as it is very stressful sharing a home and bed with someone you are scared of,
thanks for listening, just feels too much sometimes...

The issue is he does not have to leave until you have decree absolute and sorted out the finances and indeed there is no reason the mother shouldn't move into a bed sit and support the children whilst they stay with the father. Whom would they choose? They are a bit too young to choose. It they were 13+ they would decide with whom they lived.

I work full time with the children here and like your husband will have to do you just organise a nanny or child care or a childminder like all the single parents do.

It sounds like he's abusive and nasty. If you have the right lawyer you could probably get an exclusion order of him from the home -0 they are unfairly given to women often when there is no real cause. Secondly most women get the children which again is very very wrong and unfair but courts tend not to jail mothers who deny contact (they ought to or swap the children to the father where mothers don't stick to court orders) but they don't so it's likely if you wanted to (and it would be very wrong) you could cut back his contact a lot once he's left.

thanks Xenia,
I think they would be torn, but I think I am biggest emotional support particularly for oldest who is girl and middle who is boy but obviously close to dad as they all are-so difficult as you want what is best for children but sometimes feels like a war and so wanted to be grown ups and sort out amicably,
I see from previus posts that I need to be more mindful of what DH wants, hard to think like that I feel I know whats best but tried to talk to children today and they are keen to talk to mediation to get their voices heard so think will talk to DH and see if we can sort that out then, although obviously wihtin reason, will need to listen to them as they are ultimately ones it most affects,
XXXbeekeeper2XXX

Beekeper, contact Woman's Aid, they should be able to help you cope with the situation or even provide short term accommodation if the situation is that bad.

There is also support to help your children cope with this difficult time.

I would leave the home though as it's hard then to get back in and the same advice applies to your husband too.

That wasn't FNF, that was Fathers 4 Justice. They are VERY different organisations.