Alcoholic husband - new baby

[Dummiesarethebiz]

Hello - this is my first post.

I have an alcoholic husband, he recognised his problem about a year before I became pregnant and stopped drinking. I thought we'd dealt with the problem.

Our baby is two months old and he is not coping and is drinking again, he's currently passed drunk in the communal hallway. He must have got pissed on the way back from his Aa meeting.

Has anyone else been through similar? I'm wondering how to deal with this - should I persevere with him, can he change and how long should I give him to sort himself out? The stakes are higher now we have a baby.

Thanks for Reading.

He has acknowledged the problem and is seeking help. That's real progress (sounds ridiculous when he's passed out in the hallway but there you go).

My dh has acknowledged his problem but hasn't sought outside help.

Having a new baby is a very stressful time. I know that my dh always drinks more when there is more stress in his life. It's possible that your dh will climb back on the bandwagon once you've all settled more comfortably into family life.

Only you can decide if it's worth staying with him. I'm staying with mine, but the worst he does is get a bit obnoxious then falls asleep on the sofa.

One thing though - don't make empty threats. If you decide to separate, just do it and don't look back.

Have you tried getting support for yourself with al-anon? They are very helpful.

Oh Dummies you have my huge sympathies. My DH is also in AA and has been sober for over a year now, (and I'm pregnant). I think if he relapsed now it would be even harder to deal with as I have seen things from the other, sober, side, if you see what I mean.

What I would say is that he is probably feeling terrible. If he has been a regular at AA then he knows there is a problem and IMO relapses are even harder for them to deal with as they can no longer pass it off as just being a "heavy" drinker or a "social" drinker.

Only you can know if you would leave him. I don't think I could ever leave my DH even if he did relapse but it would be incredibly hard with a young baby.

Hopefully this is just a short replapse. Does he have a sponsor? Or anyone else who can help him through this from AA?

You have my huge sympathies and I really hope you both can get through this.

There's no point trying to talk him back into AA, all you can do is be there, try not to make him feel even worse about his lapse and say that you will do what you will to help.

Or alternatively you can just say you need some time for yourself and separate for a while.

I know neither are ideal and hopefully MIFLAW will be along soon as he always speaks such sense on these threads.

You did not deal with the problem back then. Unless he fully realises his problem and accepts responsibility for it he will not. You cannot control this or cure this by your own actions.

How long has he been attending AA meetings?. Relapses are not uncommonly seen even if the alcoholic reaches AA.

I would also suggest you seek support for your own self from Al-anon as they are helpful in such circumstances. You will need to emotionally detach further and not make excuses for him and his behaviour. Let him clear up after his own self, do not do that for him or make excuses for him.

It is not fair on either you or your baby to have him in your lives as it stands. He is no hsuband to you and or father to his child; his primary relationship is with drink.

Make your own home an alcohol free one if it is not already.

There are no guarantees here; he could lose everything and he may still drink. Personally I would not hang around waiting for him to change because that may not happen at all.

The choice is yours ultimately re him but there are as I say no guarantees at all.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did NOT cause this
You CANNOT control this
You CANNOT cure this

It sounds cruel but I would chuck him out today, my partner was developed a dependancy problem during and after my pregnancy, chucked him out after one particularly bad episoode. It took that shock to make him realise that I would not live with his choices.
Took him back after a week and he has completely changed his behaviour, he now really knows what he stands to loose.

Thanks for replying. To answer some of your questions DH has been going to AA for four weeks, he did have a sponsor but the sponsor backed out after two weeks due to his own problems. Last night he got someone else's number so they may be his new sponsor, I'm not sure. DH, however, has said he doesn't want to call him though. I'm not sure if AA can help him or not as DH didn't do what his last sponsor requested such as making a gratitude list, reading the Big Book every day etc. He also struggles a bit with the concept of a higher power.

Today he went out this morning to get the paper after we'd had what I thought was a good talk and came back pissed. I think he has been doing this all weekend, Sometimes I am sympathetic but most of the time I'm furious, he gets on my nerves with his self pity. However it is hard to know what to do because when he is sober and being self aware I love him very much. I wish I had a crystal ball so i could know whether to keep trying or not.

I empathise with your situation and am responding because I've some familiarity with with something similar. It appears that your husband is struggling with his drinking and may need to go to a treatment centre. It's not just the drinking, it's what is underlying it. Your GP would have information on the nearest centre to you. The centre would also have help for the spouse/family members and as an earlier member wrote, it is a good idea to join al-anon to help you get some peace of mind for yourself.
I think the important thing to do is hand the responsibility back to your husband for his sobriety (as much as can at any rate). Support him if him makes what you think is a good decision for himself and his family. But it's also really important to get some help/support for yourself. Good luck.

I am sorry, I would chuck him out.
He had his chance to get his act together, and if he has been sober a year and goes back to drink now that you need him the most, then he is neither a husband nor a father. He has had his chance, and blown it. Maybe losing you, his child, and his home will show him you are serious.

In my opinion, you don't chuck your husband out 'to show him you are serious'. That implies that you will take him back once he stops drinking. That's just messing around - he might stop just to win you back, so you take him back, and eventually he starts again (because he hadn't truly dealt with the problem) and you chuck him out again. And the cycle goes on. Not healthy for anyone involved, most especially the dc.

That's why I said above, that if you decide to leave, it's because you are ending the relationship. Never going back. Like Atilla says, there is absolutely nothing you can do to cure him. Including leaving him.

That's why I haven't left my dh. It won't get rid of his problem. It will free me from it, of course. But I love him and I still have hope that he can turn this around. If that hope should ever die though, I think I would leave.

Thankfully, my dc never see him drunk. He drinks only late at night. If I'm out for the evening he stays sober because he's solely responsible for dc. Your situation does sound rather more intense if he comes back from the paper shop (presumably in the morning?) drunk. Is he taking any responsibility as a father at the moment? Do you trust him on his own with your baby?

Yes, I have had experience of this.

I got rid.
Happiest I've ever been.

I was better off and happier as a single mum than when I had a giant, violent toddler as well as a baby.

The final straw was when he drank his wages the night he got them, and hit me while he was holding the baby!

Good luck, and muchos hugs!

Yes, I have had experience of this.

I got rid.
Happiest I've ever been.

I was better off and happier as a single mum than when I had a giant, violent toddler as well as a baby.

The final straw was when he drank his wages the night he got them, and hit me while I was holding the baby!

Good luck, and muchos hugs!

Dummies, my heart aches for you. I also know that heavy heart feeling of dread of having a good talk and then they go out and drink anyway, it's so fucking infuriating when they are a good, decent person who happens to have this debilitating problem.

Especially when you know that he can kick the booze.

I agree with CrankyTwanky that if you have a giant violent toddler style drunkard DH then getting rid is probably the sensible (and only) solution, but certainly my DH was never violent, never abused me, was caring, loving wonderful man who happens to have a drink problem.

When DH first went to AA, he couldn't make it stick at first, but it was only when he really threw himself into it, got a sponsor and I think actually fully allowed himself to believe that he was, in fact an alcoholic that he was able to stay sober.

Dummies,

Actually alcoholics can be the most selfish and self absorbed people there are. Denial of the problem is also commonplace. They are not always kind and decent either as their primary relationship is with drink. He cannot "cope" with your baby but you are expected to aren't you?.

Did you think in your heart of hearts that either marriage and a child would change him and make him see sense?. Unfortunately as you have discovered the short answer to that one is NO.

There is indeed nothing you can do to either control or cure this (something you will have to fully accept eventually) and you certainly did not cause this to arise but you do not have to make excuses for him or enable him anymore. It is okay to leave if you want to. You need at the very least to emotionally detach from the problem and not make excuses for him any more. How many times have you previously covered up for him to family/friends/his employer?. You do not have to do that and you should not cover for him (this is enabling). He could easily lose his job over his alcoholism; that does happen.

There can be elements of co-dependency in such relationships and I would suggest you read up on co-dependency as well.

Make your home an alcohol free one and certainly do not drink alcohol with him.

You cannot reason with an alcoholic; it is a waste of your time and effort to try to get them to see reason. If AA cannot get through to him currently you certainly stand no chance with this process. You've talked to him more than once, he's probably given you the same excuses/promises each time and he has fallen short. Infact you are the last person who can help him here with this and I do not mean that at all unkindly.

You need to consider your child in all this as well (I am not suggesting you have not here btw) in that as child gets older he/she will pick up on all of this and learn from you both. It will do this child no favours at all to have one parent as an alcoholic as that can leave lasting effects on them as adults (they can become super responsible and are also more likely to choose an alcoholic as a partner).

Would contact Al-anon for your own self and read their literature. You need real life support and if you haven't already done so start talking to a trusted friend or family member. Alcoholism too thrives on secrecy.

Attila, can I ask, if it you or a DP (ex or otherwise) who is an alcoholic?

Sorry, that should read "is" it you...

I'm sorry but I do not have a great deal of time to post a long reply to you but I do have experience of this.

My DH told me that he was an alcoholic just after our eldest son was born. He is now 3.6 years old and my DH has been sober for nearly the same amount of time, and we have another son aged 1.

I coped by detaching completely from my husband and his drinking. It wasn't a deliberate strategy at the time, but looking back it was a defence mechanism. I am so grateful to AA that they were there to help him through.

If by any chance you are in Warks I know of some excellent support groups for the partners and carers of alcoholics/addicts.

No, its a family member. There are alcoholics/problem drinkers on both sides of the family.

You write very clearly and accurately about it, I assumed you had some close knowledge.