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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

devestated and don't know what to do.

49 replies

tryingtobeanon · 08/08/2005 13:34

I am expecting my 3rd child and yesterday in a row my dp punched me in the shoulder. I am gobsmacked & shocked and so devestated.

a few years ago he shoved me out of bed in a row and I told him any more violence and I would go. Nothing has happened since - he is not controlling or abusive. No-one in this house is scared of him and I was soo happy that we sorted it out and I didn't make a 'rash' decision.

Now what? I am shocked and really upset and don't know what to do. Should we get counselling or should I just go? It breaks my heart to even think about going. Explaining to the kids that we won't be living with daddy, giving birth on my own, surviving (I don't work). The whole thing is just killing me. Can he change and not do it again?

OP posts:

BarefootMama · 08/08/2005 14:41

i agree with mum2girls ......

This again could sound insulting but TRULY not meant to be so. Drawing from 'my own experiences'i can say that in parts of pregnancy we can 'bicker' a little more than normal and that I PERSONALLY can probably be quite trying to even the sweetest mans patience. My dh shouted at me in a manner that was just 'not him' the other day but in a way I knew that i had maybe been more het up and irritable than normal and thats how the row got to that point. Please dont say that I feel we ask for it because violence on any level is inexcusable - i am simply saying none of us is perfect and a lot of domestic violence ( the majority) rears its head when the woman is pregnant.

He sounds lovely your dh.....

Its inexcusable but - in my book if he truly is sorry and this incident DOES NOT recurr - Forgivable x

Original poster

tryingtobeanon · 08/08/2005 14:42

Don't worry steffee! I'm not easily offended! As far as I am aware this is the only thing. We bicker all the time, I don't feel I can't 'say' or 'do' anything, I don't feel intimidated by him, he isn't controlling in any way, I feel we are equals in our relationship, he doesn't put me down or try to make me feel devalued in any way.

I am really grateful for all these opinions - I was really worried everyone would be having a go at me for considering staying

OP posts:

anorak · 08/08/2005 14:43

Is your dh someone who pushes himself hard to acheive? My dh is and it's all because his parents told him he was useless when he was a boy.

He's now a tax manager for a big bank, while his father is a train cleaner and his mother an accounts clerk. Yet they still had this attitude to him right up until a couple of years ago when we had a big row and stopped having contact with them.

If they've treated him like my inlaws treated my poor husband then I'm not surprised he's full of unresolved pain and anger. It's especially hard if he hasn't yet reached the point where he can see that they're being abusive.

Original poster

tryingtobeanon · 08/08/2005 14:43

My goodness - criticism and coldness could describe his parents to a tee!

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Original poster

tryingtobeanon · 08/08/2005 14:44

My dh is almost afraid to try to achieve anything because he 'knows' he will fail. It is really sad really.

OP posts:

Original poster

tryingtobeanon · 08/08/2005 14:45

Barefoot I was being particularly childish and annoying - but as dp says..that is no excuse for what he did. (he does seem genuinely sorry)

OP posts:

anorak · 08/08/2005 14:58

tryingtobeanon...please feel free to CAT me if you think chatting more would help. I don't know if we 'know' each other but I won't tell anyone who you are!

lydz · 08/08/2005 15:07

It worried me you saying your sister will be disappointed if you stay....I think your sister is definitly projecting her own experience onto your situation and her advice should therefore be taken with a pinch of salt. My sister was always telling me what a crap relationship me and DH had when we first got together, and we've been (generally happily) together for 16 years now! My sister was just because she was incapable of having a non-abusive relationship, I think. I am truly sorry that your sister has suffered DV but that doesn't mean that every relationship is like hers.

starrynight · 08/08/2005 18:14

I would say my sis is worried rather than envious. She tries really hard not to say anything judgemental or that might sound like she is trying to persuade me either way - but occasionally something slips out which she then apologises profusely for! I understand totally where she is coming from & having been in her position (sort of) I know how hard it is.

steffee · 08/08/2005 19:36

I would agree your sis is worried about your safety. Being in the position you know how quickly and easily things can spiral out of control and how you can manage to persuade yourself things are ok when really they're not. I know if it was my sis, I'd be worried too, and probably (even at the risk of sounding bitter and nasty) would tell her to get out of there. One you really know what's going on though, and other people's advice (whatever stance that takes) can sometimes be unwanted.

starrynight · 09/08/2005 12:03

Well, thats blown being anon hasn't it! [roll eyes emoticon!].

Serves me right for thinking things were going well, hey anorak?!

homemama · 09/08/2005 14:58

No constructive advice really. Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you as I know how happy you were at finding out you were pg. I truly hope you can sort it out. x

moondog · 09/08/2005 15:03

Ummm,hate to be the voice of dissent,but truly don't believe that one or two physical incidents add up to a bloke being a wife beater. Obviously it's not at all acceptable but neither is it a reason to completely reassess a perfectly good relationship.

Sounds as if he is shocked and repentant which is the main thing.

ninah · 09/08/2005 16:31

Starry I just saw this. Listen I agree with anorak and I don't think it has to spell out the end. fwiw dp and I had a major major row in the past where he got physical. It never happened before or since. I don't believe an incident necessarily bodes an irreversible escalation of domestic violence. What counts is where you go from now, you and he need to discuss things honestly. So very sorry, you must be under tremendous pressure with 2 children and a third on its way. I wish I could help. Where are you now, at home or still away?

sweetheart · 09/08/2005 16:43

starry, Just want to offer my support.

Dh and I have had some hum dingers in the past. My dh is normally a very very placis person but he will get to a point in an argument where he snaps. I've seen some quite scary reactions on his part, not normally directed at me I have to say. He's put his fist through a wall and a glass door before now.

There have been a couple of occasions where I have been frigetened of what he would do and I have been shoved a couple of times.

However, I don't believe these incidents make him an abusive partner. He has appologised for his actions before and I hope it wouldn't happen again, but I can't guarentee it.

If you feel you can forgive your dh then there is no shame in staying with him. I would never leave my dh because of these incidents as I consider them to be minor and infrequent.

I've been with dh for 10 years and it's probably happened about 4 times.

Sorry if this sounds rambled - just wanted to try and help a little

starrynight · 09/08/2005 18:01

Thanks guys - I have been with him for 9 years and this is 2nd incident too. I just feel so shocked and upset. Plus, my 4yo ds saw it and has been punching me ever since

steffee · 09/08/2005 18:38

Everyone has to weigh up their own situation. If you have a very happy relationship with your dh but extremely occasionally arguments get out of control, or he has had a bout of depression or another reason, which is not typical of his personality, then most people would stay. If the violence is frequent or unprovoked or both, and you are frightened of him, or you worry the effect it has on the children, or you find yourself lying to protect him, then you probably know you should leave. No-one can force anyone to stay or go (though they might try!) and no answer is right, just how much one person can take from another, how well the couple as a whole can cope, and the family too.

Sorry if that's a little incoherent!!

dramaqueen72 · 09/08/2005 19:17

starry, only you know, and I believe you really do, if its going to happen again or get worse. fwiw my father was abusive towards my mother and it really did start minor and grow out of control til she left (after he broke her jaw tho) dh and I have had some big fights, esp in our early days, once i slapped him and during that fight he shook me very hard and slapped me back. i was horrified and had to spend alittle time away form him. however, just the way he was, and the way he said sorry was very different from the OTT sorries my father used to say. I know dh would never do it again, where as my father used to be like an unexploded bomb.you just knew he would expolde but not when . i hope your big talk clears some issues, and he agrees to keep you and the children around he should at least speak to someone. youre worth that.
yes us pg ladies are very trying sometimes but!
I am thinking of you and wishing you and he onto happier days.

Caligula · 09/08/2005 19:35

tryingtobeanon - here's a link to women's aid Perhaps they could advise you on counselling option?

starrynight · 10/08/2005 08:24

Thanks for all the advice guys - my dh has decided to go to counselling and I know some very good ones so am going to get a recommendation. He has also identified other areas and has an action plan he is putting into place. I agree with you dq - he wasn't OTT - if anything he seemed like he just didn't know what to say and knew nothing could make it better. If I didn't have the children and wasn't pg I would be out of here - but I do and even for them I think its worth trying to get through this.

I guess we will have to wait and see - in this case it will literally be: 3 strikes and your out!

kangel · 10/08/2005 09:06

Starry, have just found my way to your thread (with a lot of help). I am sorry to hear what you are going through and I hope you can sort things out with your dp.

I don't really have any advice though just support which i'm sure you need right now. I was in an abusive relationship and it took me 6 years to get out of it and that was only because my current dp (who was a work colleague)heard the way he spoke to me down the phone and told me it was wrong! I was young and nieve and had thought nothing of it until that point. Unlike you though I was petrified of him, he never hit me though he played mind games with me and told me I was useless and that no-one else would ever have me or love me and I should think myself lucky that he took me on. He was mentally nasty to me right down to silly things like how many pieces of toilet roll I was allowed to use at one time and the fact that he wouldn't get into bed with me unless I wore socks as he hated my feet! Its now taken me 4 years to let my current dp touch my feet as he left thinking they were gross!! Then he'd do something nice like buy me clothes, I'd put them on and he'd tell me they looked crap on me and would take them back.
We got engaged (stupid I know) and went on holiday, a few years later I found a load of photos from that holiday where he'd met some girl and got her to pose for him topless on the beach in all different positions - I confronted him and I was told it was all my fault and I should stop looking to wreck the relationship and I believed that it was. I never spoke to anyone about it as I was to ashaimed to admit everything that was going on.

The final straw was when I couldn't breath properly and was in agony with my chest, he dumped me in A&E and told me to phone when I was done and he'd come back and get me but for now was going home to watch TV. I had pluracy (spelt wrong) and wasn't allowed out of bed (I lived with my parents at this time) and not once did he come and see me. He turned up at 10pm christmas night when he was meant to be round for dinner at 3 in the afternoon - his excuse was he couldn't be bothered.

I spent years covering up for him and making excuses for him and I walked round like everything was ok. If it wasn't for my dp now I'd probably still be with him, he gave me the guts and the support to leave him which was so hard as I got death threats from him at the beginning. I am so ashaimed of what I let him do to me that I only told 2 people my dp & best friend.

Your DP however sounds nothing like this and it really sounds to me that everything got to much for him (not that that is an excuse) he knows he done wrong and now is his chance to prove it by getting some help. However it sounds to that his parents have mentally abused him and that has a lasting affect (believe me). I don't think this is personal to you at all and that he wasn't hitting you but just hitting out. It sounds to me that you have a loving relationship at all other times and that you guys are happy.

They say you hurt the ones you love the most.

Hope this has helped, let us know how you get on with your chat.

Sorry it was so long.

kangel · 10/08/2005 09:09

Our messages crossed. I am so pleased that your dp is getting help. I think that says it all and I wish you all the luck in the world and am happy for you.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step and hes done that.

Good Luck!!!

sweetheart · 10/08/2005 09:38

starry,

I'm glad to hear you have a good chat. It sounds like your dh is taking all the right steps and really wants to put this incident behind you. I hope everything works out for you and that you can come back over to the Dec thread and moan about back problems, swollen feet etc etc

LittleBeck · 10/08/2005 11:54

I too, can relate to this scenario, Starry.

I have been married for 14 years and my husband is very loving and usually very placid, rarely raising his voice - although his sulks are quite menacing, I suppose. And a couple of times he has damaged doors by kicking/punching them.

However, a couple of years ago we had a very difficult patch. He lost his job of 8 years when I had just discovered that I was pregnant with our 3rd child. Things became awful between us, instead of supporting each other, loads of resentment built up. It's a convoluted story, which I don't need to tell here, but we reached an all time low when I was 7 months pregnant and he ended up knocking me over.

We somehow resolved this and have moved on, without any further incident. I genuinely don't believe that he is a wife beater who will escalate his violent behaviour. However, I do wish that I had used this incident to properly resolve issues at a deeper level and enhance our communication. I was so terrified of our general situation at the time, especially as I could see that he was potentially on the road to an affair with a friend of ours, who was being "so supportive", that I let it drop way too soon. Although overall, we were both so shocked by the incident that we found the motivation to get our relationship much more on track than it had been.

I agree with those who say "make it a catalyst to change the relationship for the better".

Best of luck and (())

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