It reminds me of being little....

[starrystarrynights]

I think this post is going to make me sound horrible but I really have to get this off my chest.

One of DP's friends has recently got engaged and have been to see really nice hotels as potential wedding venues.

I had a perfect wedding day at a lovely hotel....followed by abusive marriage to ExDH who was depressive and unpredictable. I know this makes me sound jealous - and maybe I am a little - but the idea of attending a similar wedding again made me feel quite sad. I said something to DP and he said not to worry, that he could go himself, along with this best freind who has recently split from his partner (!).

I thought that was really nice but in my mind I was telling myself that I needed to buck up and get over my hang-up so that I could attend the wedding. DP has just told me today that he has today arranged to attend the wedding with his freind..however the wedding is on my birthday but we can spend the day together and he will go to the wedding in the evening.

I just feel so upset and gutted - it feels to me as is he has chosen them over me. I should have said earlier that I would like to have attended but I'd expected the wedding to be in the winter not on my birthday in 12 weeks time. Its too late for me to attend as numbers have been confirmed. I know its my fault as I should have said something earlier.

I had a horribly emotionally abusive childhood (my mother) and this just reminds me of the things she used to do i.e. chose to go to one of my other sisters schoolplays, sports days etc, said that my sister was much faster/clever than me. I just cant get the image of me as a really upset little girl out of my head its making me cry.

My sister - not the favoured one - has said not to say anything to DP about childhood as it may scare him off - I don't hate my mum anymore, although he does think she is a bit 'all about me'. Any thoughts about how to deal with this please? I'm so upset but he thinks I'm overreacting....

He has already chosen you over the wedding. He's not going to the wedding. He's only going to the evening do.

Another thought - is it really too late for you to attend the wedding? Numbers can be changed still surely - it's 3 months away.

Thanks Mrs S - you are probably right, am probably just feeling.

Think it is too late - both sides have big families and it sounds as if 'my invite has gone to someone else now

I'm not sure if I agree with your sister's advice not to talk to DP about your childhood.

If this man is serious about you (and I have no doubt that he is) then he will want - and need - to know about an issue as traumatic and difficult as this. You may not hate your mother any more but it's still affecting your confidence and causing you pain.

If your dp is 'scared off' by your childhood (and I think few men are that shallow) then I would question whether he was the right man for you.

Thanks - I would love to tell DP but I really should have done it sooner (like about a year and a half ago!). Have ben behaving v erratically over lat few months which can partly be explained by family things - my mum has being having a horrible go at my other sister 0 and artly by work. Just worried that he'll think it bad that I did not tell him sooner or be ununderstanding like exDH who just used it against me.

I must buck up! Am not usualy like this at all, I woke up this mornign feeling as if I had a big hole in my stomach

Thanks again for your kind words

You need to know whether your current dp will be emotionally supportive of you. I really really think you need to tell him about your childhood. If he did ever start to use it against you then you need to get rid of him pronto.

IME your childhood issues will have an affect on your current level sometime more than others, you can't run away from it/hid it telling your current dp could well be the first step in coming to terms with it IYSWIM.

I just don't know what to say to him other than 'my mumwas realy horible to me when I was little!'.

I've never spoken to anyone about this in RL. I can't even talk about it to my sister who has alo gone through this as we both find it so distressing as it brings things back and makes us sad.

I just need to find a way of explaining it in a way that makes sense.

Talking to him about him going to the wedding is a great opener.

You state "It's not your fault but I'm just so upset that you're going to the wedding do with x. I've just realised why though, my mum did some really cruel things when I was little"

See where it takes you, the point isn't to necessarily change what is/isn't happening about attending the evening do so don't go off track, it's about telling him how much what happened then still hurts.

Just say that. Say your mum was horrible to you when you where little.

I feel you should have gone to the wedding though, you shouldn't let your past dictate your future. If you go to enough hotel reception weddings then the memories of those good weddings will start to take over from the memories of your abusive relationship. By letting your past dictate what you do and don;t do you are giving it power over you when actually you have the ultimate power and control and ability to quash the negative past and start making new good memories.

Cargirl - thanks, you sound really wise .

You are right, it is not his fault at all so that would be a great way to open it. I must wait till I have a slightly more happy face and have this chat with him

OMDB - I know, thats what I have been telling myself - I should have gone and not been so stupid.

God knows what he has told his freinds - its my birthday and one of his best freinds weddings and I'm nowhere to be seen! (I've recently moved to the area - hundreds of miles from family and friends so i clearly won't be hanging out with anyone else!)

I am my own worst enemy sometimes...

You don't need to wait until you have the happy face just make it clear that you regret your choice over the wedding invite and you realise your irrational reaction was due to your past and he's done nothing wrong.

You can go with him to the evening I'm sure? Evening dos don't tend to be restricted on numbers etc, and 12 wks is plenty of time.

The entire wedding is in the evening because the venue is booked during the day.

DP as spoken to his freind who has said that 'my' place is stil available so we have accepted that. Turns out DP got the date wrong - the wedding is on the Friday before my birthday and not my birthday itself - he is terrible what dates so I do feel alittle as if all of this drama has been for nothing.

I discussed with DP at a v high level (on the phone as we don't live together and I wont see him this week due to my exams) about my mum being not v nice. In fairness I was trying toget the conversation over as quick as possible but he did say that I should try to put the as behind me and not let it affect the future.

All true I suppose...

Can I suggest you go to your gp and ask for some counselling on the NHS they usually offer something nominal like 6 weeks but if you've never spoken about it before then it should help you come to terms with it and put it behind you. All the best.