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[emmapeal]

I hope this is the right place for this I know there are people with much bigger problems than this but I just needed to bounce this off someone!

Friends of Dh's are having a party in a few weeks time. There is bad blood between both me and one of the people invited.

The people who are holding the party are very good friends of ours and they are fully aware of how we feel towards the person in question. To be honest I am really annoyed that they are inviting this person. They are not even that friendly with them. I just don't see what the point is.

The person in question is just a complete obnoxious excuse of a human being. They have psychologically bullied me in the past. Something happened 6 years ago and they still treat me like crap. I don't want to go into it all but this person thinks a certain occurance was my fault and it wasn't (I didn't even know about it)and ever since then the person has been a bully towards me. I just can't stand being in the same room as them anymore.

In the past I have tried to act dignified and take the higher ground as such and be polite and ignore the behaviour But it has been going on for so long and they are always so rude to me and make a specific point of making me feel awkward and insignificant. I just find it so upsetting.

I feel obliged to go the party and part of me wants to go as other friends will be there, the people that are having the party are friends and we don't ge out that much anyumore as we have two little ones so it is a nice opportuinity to go out. But I decided a long time ago that I have just had enough of this person and that I was going to ignore them as much as I could but if I couldn't that I would just ignore them and not care if I was being rude because I have to protect myself and I don't want to come away after every time I meet this person feeling upset.

Part of me doesn't want to have to sit at home and miss out on the night just because of this person but another part of me just can't deal with the anxiety of it all. I have had a really tough time over the last year (for other reasons) life is just getting back on track and I feel that I just don't need to deal with this asshole.

Anyway what would you do? Would you go and just ignore this asshole or would you say thanks bu no thanks to the hosts?

Thanks

I would decline to go to the party. You can't expect to dictate some one else's guest list but you are fully entitled to avoid the company of a person you don't want to see, for whatever reason. Yes, it's a shame you'll miss the party - but it's only a social event and there will be plenty of others.

Does your dh have a problem with this person too?? I would probably go, you don't need to speak to this person directly do you, why should you miss out on your friends party!! I a similar situation last week I was unexpectedly in a room with two people, I would of never intensionly put myself in that position, but they just arrived. I dealt with it by pretending they were not there, I still enjoyed the event I was at.

My point is don't let this person control what you do, if you don't go to this party they will notice and think they have the upper hand, go and hold your head high and show them they cannot hurt you anymore!!!

Get a babysitter and go out somewhere else where you'll enjoy yourself and have a really good time.

I would go to the party reminding the hosts of the situation and that you will be on your best behaviour.
But you will also be sticking up for yourself at long last. 6 years is long time for this to be carrying on.
No need to be rude just dignified infroming them of their error.

Will your hosts understand if you don't go?
If so, on balance I would say give it a miss.

Life is too short to waste a single moment of it in the company of someone you dislike.

Arrange alternative night with good friends and explain why.

Give it a miss, not worth the heartache.

Eventhough I understand that it is not acceptable to question the list of invitees, I suppose that every host needs to do their best so their invitees enjoy the party and that includes not mixing people that are uncomfortable with each other.

Consider getting over yourself. The party hosts are probably refusing to get involved in some petty little feud because giving in to one whinyarse tends to lead to having to give into all the whinyarses and you might end up with a party with no guests (though to be fair most people's social circles contain only a small percentage of whinyarses).

Honestly, behaving like this hurts you far more than anyone else. Just ignore the other person, mildly bored politeness is the effect to aim for. If you carry on whining, avoiding, blaming or hating the other person, it's such a waste of energy and time, whereas displaying pleasant indifference to him/her is (should s/he actually be interested in carrying on the fight) utterly infuriating.

I think the best thing to do is go to the party, be ultra polite to this person, make it clear that you are having a very good time and if it's difficult leave early.

If this person is rude to you say "Oh dear, that wasn't very pleasant" ina very loud voice and move on to talk to somebody else.

The biggest victory will be if this person thinks they are unable to make you uncomfortable. If they are unpleasant and you are lovely guess who'll be invited next time?

You might not have the best evening but if you withdraw from social events then they've won. Just make sure you appear to be having a ball.Once they've got the message that they can't bully you into staying away, life will get easier.

My friends invited me to their wedding and also invited an ex of mine who they are friendly with, who treated me very badly. I was shocked to see this person there, especially as they hadn't warned me about it. When I confronted them they said they had'nt thought it mattered - perhaps yours friends are the same? Luckily for me I was there with my family and wife and when my ex came to talk to me I blanked them and walked away.
It is up to you what you want to do but this incident didn't spoil my friends' wedding as I was able to rise above it after the inital shock

A lot of food for thought. If I was having a party personally I would not invite guests where I know there was an unfortunate history. Particularly if they were very good friends I just wouldn't do that to someone. That is my framework for interpreting this situation. Maybe I am at fault that I would be that sensitive to someone else's situation.

Anyway I have tried everything. I have tried the mildly bored politeness as you put it Solidgoldbrass (and yes they are intersted in carrying on this feud - I am not but I am trying to stand up for myself). I have tried ignoring this person and nothing works. I have tried missing social occasions. As soon as I think I might be in the same room with the person I feel a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and I hate it. I hate that I have to spend this much time on this person but I am desperate to exorcise this demon!!

Would you be able to just focus on enjoying talking to the other guests and avoid getting too near the one you don't like, or are you all going to be too physically close together? That way you could just show them you don't care about their pettyness and can just get on with your life.

Show your host this thread.
It seems she doesn't realise how badly the behaviour and reaction to it is.

I think you put your best outfit on and go and have a good time.

If this person is a fuck tell them so loudly and walk away

Why are you giving this person so much power over you? They can only make you feel bad if you let them.

Go to the party, ignore them, if they come over walk away, if they follow say firmly and loud enough for those close to you "Please leave me alone" and walk away again. If they make comments, as someone else said reply firmly "How rude, please do not talk to me like that again".

I know its easy for me to say this but as our parents used to tell us about bullies, ignore them and they will get bored when they don't get a reaction.