7mths preg, want to leave DP - objective advice?

[Writergirl]

This is the first time I?ve posted on here and feel as though I?m in a right mess, so sorry, this is a bit long. (It?s a relationship rant and about feeling as though I?m getting no support and housework!)

I?m 7 months pregnant and have 2 other children (7 and 2, one with DP, one not) and my relationship has been deteriorating until tonight it all blew up and I just want some objective advice because I?ve been called a fcking btch, and ungrateful b*d etc, all night and I have just about had enough!

It all blew up because of housework ? I?ve been trying to ask DP to help a bit more around the house, we both work full time but I do all mine and the kids ironing and laundry + all household stuff, the shopping and cooking, plus general tidying, emptying (er, heavy) bins & putting away. He has committed to clearing the kitchen each night.

Long story short, he went out on Friday night and got completely smashed (don?t have a problem with that, it doesn?t happen often!) and stayed out. Needless to say he slept all day yesterday, so I looked after our DS, took him out etc. Also today, he was completely zonked, although he ?looked after? DS most of the day which basically means watching TV. I like to get stuff done on Sundays so I did the ironing, kids? washing, stripped and changed the beds and spent 2.5 hours cleaning by DD?s room (DD is not his daughter and no one else is going to do it as it needed a major sort out).

I asked DP twice to take a heavy basked of washing upstairs and empty it. He said ?not if I kept going on at him?. I tried to end the day nicely by sitting down to watch TV and asked if we could get some other stuff out of the way before hand, e.g. bin for tomorrow?s collection and helping me make our bed. For some reason it turned into a massive argument, with major swearing and I?ve now moved all my stuff into the spare room.

My point is he thinks he does LOADS but in fact, he does everything half heartedly ? he makes a ginormous fuss about anything he does do, and his childcare is totally sloppy - he doesn?t wipe DS? face or hands after he?s eaten, he just puts him to bed unclean in his cot and says ?goodnight? without tucking him in or even sometimes taking DS? slippers off (!), he?ll change DS? nappy but leave it out everywhere, and change him but leave all the dirty clothes everywhere and it drives me mad!

I don?t know if I am expecting too much from him or ?any man? as he puts it, but I feel as though I get no support at all and have had enough. I want to leave and am intending to see a lawyer in the morning about my rights, as we?re not married. AIBU??

No practical advice, but just wanted to say I'm sorry you are in this situation. He sounds like a lazy bastard. You are certainly not expecting too much.

No YANBU. He thinks women exist to service men and that doing any housework will make his cock fall off. Hence the making a mess of the things he does grudgingly do, the idea is for you to accept that it's easier to do it yourself.
YOu are probably doing the right thing by ending the relationship as men like this rarely, if ever, change.

Thanks, you both made me smile!

The best was when tonight he said 'anyway, for a woman, you don't even do much'

Quite frankly he can go f**k himself - scuse my language - but I'm pretty livid.

The thing is it always comes down to housework, which seems so STUPID - I know he works, but so do I - we have a cleaner once a week, but I was brought up in an emancipated household. I can't help equating his non-desire to do anything more than the total minimum as an indication of his respect towards me and his total shirker attitude makes me much rather be on my own than with a lazy ass.

That's how I feel, but the reality is it will be pretty hellish to go through with.

He needs to do more. You are pregnant, he needs to take over doing the heavy stuff like bins etc. Is he always like this? Can you wait until things have calmed down and sit down and properly talk about division of labour? How has he been about the new baby?

Have you got any friends or family who could give you support? It doesnt sound like he is treating you very well especially with the abusive language... is this a regular occurrence?

He's being utterly disrespectful by failing to carry laundry and bins when you are 7 months pregnant! Shocking really. I agree with SGB. You will find someone better down the road I know it - don't tolerate it.

Appart from his lack of help and vile attitude towards you housework efforts what is he like?

Do you think it would help to hit him with a good dose of reality? Dont do anything for a while. No washing, no cooking no cleaning and see how he likes it. Alternatively you could try and have an adult discussion with him about it and suggest a role reversal for the week. He has to take on your chores and you take on his so he can see what you actually do.

Tbh I dont know about leaving him. If he is making you miserable and you cant see things getting better then I think its your only option but if you think things could be worked on and improved then I think that should be your first port of call.

I left my exp when I was 6month pg. I had another child who was 9 months old at the time. It was very hard but I know now it was the right decision.... however the situation was totally different.

hth.

'for a women you don't even do much'

IME, it is actually much easier being single than being with a man like this. You can do things your way, don't have to worry about his moods/hangover/failure to do things properly.

You sound like you have your head screwed on right. Good luck!

I do bring it up and keep asking him nicely, so he doesn't feel I'm 'nagging', but he never sticks to anything. First it was a promise to take care of sheets & towels washing - never happened, then it was to do the food shopping once a week, never happened - he does say I 'just have to ask' because he doesn't know what needs to be done, but when I do he kicks up a great fuss.

As for the language, he's a massive swearer and goes totally ballistic in arguments - not something I've been used to in my life - but then apologises and thinks it can all be forgotten - he did it to his business partner (a woman, obviously and my BF!) and needless to say, they can't work together anymore. His outbursts are only verbal though.

Thing is, I'm very independent and always tempted to walk away, which is what I did with my last rel. I have no fear over doing that, but it would probably be madness with a tiny baby, DS and DD.

Frankly I just want to scare him into losing me as a wake-up call, although I do have serious doubts about the long term as his lazy pigheadedness has made me lose all feelings for him.

just another suggestion. Could your 7 year old help out just a little bit with a few chores?
I make my ds and dd tidy their room/toys up they are only 2.11 and 2 but they grasp the general idea and it means one less task for me to do.

I know my niece who is 5 has quite a few chores.... she lays the table, cleans her room, helps her mum with tasks etc. Your dd could say un stack the cutlery from the dishwasher or tidy the shoes etc. like i say only a small suggestion but it could help.

sorry your going through this, its totally shit esp when your pg.

From your last post I think you really need to sit down and chat to him. Either he will agree he needs to change or he will be a prick... I think it will give you a decision to stay or leave.

He sounds like he says things to appease but doesnt follow up with action. You say you are very independent and you were able to walk away from your ex - were there similar issues there?

Verbal outbursts, limited help with house stuff.... what is his attitude to you having his baby? it doesnt sound very caring tbh

I think only you can decide if leaving him is appropriate at this point in time and if you have other support, but long term, you need to consider what are the benefits of staying with him? does being with him make your life better?

Aw, thanks all so much for your thoughts! I feel such an idiot sitting here seething in the spare room on my own, but now I'm feeling better!

I have to give a bg up to my DD who is amazing and deserves an award: she tidies her room, sets the table, picks things up for me as I can't bend over v. easily! and earns extra pocket money for tidying awayy DS's toys at the end of the day. Plus she helps me plan meals, gives herself a bath (safely) and is generally an angel. Even DS at 21 months 'helps' by handing me the cutlery from the dishwasher (er, not before licking it it first!), and will carry over his plastic bowls to put away in the cupboard. At least he won't be like his useless dad.

One last thing, sorry, is that it does make me think that I'm going mad and that I have some sort of non-existant ideal partner in my head and an unrealistic idea of how other people share chores and men's attitudes.

I would certainly be extremely interested to know what other DP's do, and it would give me ammunition in our next argument ;-)

Writergirl, this man is a prick. It's good that you dumped a previous partner for the same sort of attitude and you have enough self respect to dump this one, however, it's worth thinking about why you have made the same 'mistake' twice as in picked another sexist pig, basically. Many men are not like this. Are you only attracted to the 'bad boy' type? Because your current partner's total lack of respect for women is not something he could have hidden for very long.

My DH is pretty useless around the house.However he is 100% amazing with our DCs.Every spare moment he has is spent playing with them,taking them swimming,the park etc.I do all housework,(SAHM),but I did it all before we had DCs too,LOL! He puts out bins,cuts grass,and any outdoor stuff...we had a big chat a few months ago about him doing more housework,as I felt he was taking the piss...dirty dishes left ON the dishwsher,swim stuff etc in bag in hallway for DAYS,sitting on arse whilst I ran like mad woman around kitchen...told him he needed to buck up or it was relate because I would not spend my life as someones servant.He really has tried,I do have to ask for stuff to be done,but he does it happily,no complaints,and asks if anything else needs done.He apologises for not seeing what needs to be done,but says he just doesn't see it! My DCs already have a few wee jobs to do...it won't be my fault if they are lazy arses,LOL!

I get a bit of gyp off the missus about cleaning/leaving my socks everywhere. But not that much.

I certainly wouldn't say it's womens' work etc. And you are 7 months gone?

Personally if any woman i was into started doing all the washing/ironing etc i'd think she was nuts/not my type.

But your fella sounds like a fucking dickhead...sorry.

Although this changes with circumstance, job, tiredness etc...I do plenty of washing up, i do about 25% of the clothes washing, i do about 60% of the cooking, sort the car/supermarket trips (she's done about 5 big shops on her own in 13 years heheheh) bins/recycling/building work/stoking the fire...

I get gyp over hoovering (which i've got better at), not making her cups of tea, going to see her family (yeah but...dem nuts init), not listening to her (possibly whilst high)...

Me (work 3 days a week) - meal planning, shopping, cooking, washing, clean bathroom

Him: (works 5 days a week) - car, DIY, gardening, bins, floors (hoover and/or mop as required), clean kitchen every night after dinner.

Do our own ironing. Dishwasher as required by whoever is nearest.

He's a prick.

The swearing, calling people a fucking bitch. Ungrateful? Ungrateful for what? That his lazy book ass in cocklodging?

And 'you don't do much for a woman.'

I think you've answered your own question.

YANBU.

I'd kick him out.

You've got three kids, you don't need another.

And I second SGB's recommendation.

BEFORE you think about dating again, get some counselling so you avoid another situation like this.

I'll third SGB. He's showing you a complete and utter lack of respect. I don't have a dp/h but I wouldn't put up with that attitude or his refusal to do anything. You'll be having a third child soon, you don't need a fourth one.

What message is his refusal to do anything and the way he speaks to you sending to your children.

OP, you are saying that you are an independent woman, so you might actually have contributed to his laziness. I am talking from my experience. My DH also does not like doing this, he could happily spend time on TV or laptop all day and get angry when I ask for help. I would do all things, because I feel more responsible, I do things better, and even our 2yo DS prefers me because I don?t hesitate spending time with him. Moreover, DH would get very defensive if I blame him for being lazy, he would blame me in return and not listen to what I say. I had two options: either to walk out independently or to try and work it out somewhat. Have been trying the latter option. Wrote him a letter (on paper) about what I am not happy about and what has to change, including that politeness and respect is a must in our family. Then went for holidays with a friend and left DH with DS for 3 days. They coped somehow. Then started asking for things, and after having those 3 days on his own, he started responding to my need for help. Not to the extend I would like to, but at least something. Hopefully something can work for you. You are independent and that?s good, but your children need a father. Maybe this guy (the same as my DH) will learn sometimes that taking care of children is joy, not trouble, let him mature in his own pace but set basic rules at home. Good luck.

It's not on, but you know that.

I work 2 days a week and DH works full time so I do more of the chores that come up during the day, but when we are both at home work is split 50/50. He gets the DC up and dressed every morning and puts them to bed. He also cleans the kitchen after breakfast and in the evening. I do all the food shopping and most of the cooking, but mainly to allow him time with DC in the evening.

Grown up men pull their weight as part of a team, not act like teenagers.

I so appreciate all your replies - really great, especially as I'm a 1st time MN.

Some days have gone past, with a bit more yelling, but a lot more talking.

It seemed that we lost our way a bit, having met and fallen madly in love, convinced we were soulmates, etc and then got in a major rut of work, kids, home, stress, etc.

I think our argument was so massive and I was (for once) truthful, with a 'no holds barred' approach (instead of keeping it all in a mass of seething resentment ) that I gave him a really big wake up call. I've since seen major changes, a commitment to halving (almost) the household chores, which has already been put into action. I've had flowers and meals made, whole house tidied and dates arranged.

Still cautious, I went to see a family lawyer to know my rights etc if it all goes pear-shaped again, but we are now in a better place and have a counselling session booked next week.

this one for now has a happy ending, but it was great to get wise objective advice from this forum.

Thanks a lot!