please help. how can I work on my relationship with DD

[feelinglikeacrapmother]

I feel like I deliberately give DS more attention, he is so easy going and DD is so obstructive and attention seeking. She is v confrontational an is constantly moaning about various aches and pains.

I love her sooooooooo much but find myself geting irrationally annoyed with her over stupid things...she makes me feel so claustraphobic and i dont know what to do, i really hate myself for the way i feel.

I feel like a get a blow by blow account of her day constanly checking on what im doing and where i am.

DD is 8yo, DS is 12.

Please advice, I would even consider going to speak to someone about this if anyone thought it would help.....

I say to DD, I dont need to know exactly what you have done ever second of the day.....arrghhh I feel like my head will explode ...

Im so defensive because of this bombardment of irrelevence, I am such a bitch

Set aside 45 minutes a day where you will sit with a drink opposite each other at the table, and she can TALK at you. Then, she must be reasonable about other people's need to talk and deal with other things,.

She wants to tell you what she has done all day because she wants you to show an interest and ask her about herself.

I often sit with her at bedtime and we talk about our day. I will ask her what has happened and how she feels.

We are very similar personality and I knwo why she does what she does, she has no concpet of other peoples conversation and is so impulsive with conversation, she will regularly butt in as soon as anyone else starts a conversation with me, I find it so rude but no amount of reminding stops her

It's impossible to know from your OP whether you are being a reasonable, responsive mother, and your DD is a total bore (in which case you need to help her make her story telling more interesting ) or whether you are cruelly brushing her aside.

Does she bore you? Is she a real chatterbox with no real understanding of the fact that she needs to arouse the interest of the person she is talking to?

DD1 (aged 7) is like this, I kind of tune her out, and she chatters on and on and on and on and.....

I do take interest in what she does obviously, just that its difficult to be avidly interested in her day second by second!

Tbh I like that dd1 wants to share with me, I've a friend who complains her dd wont tell her anything!

They do grow out of it you know, I assume at age 11 dd will be more quiet and want to have her own secrets or private space more.

thankouy colitz for youe advice

Bonsoir, I think my problem is I find it hard to ignore inssecent (sp!) chatter and try and react to everything and get gradually more fed up and knackered...

Im trying to get DD to grow up a little
(within reason) and sift out some of the irrelevence...

Get just wants to grab my attention all the time.

But fuzzy....I will be looking for a warm bath and a razor blade if it lasts much longer (kidding honest!)

I've struggled with this sort of thing with my DCs too but I seem to be adapting to it. It seemed to help me to think that it doesn't matter what they are saying and whether it is interesting or even makes any sense or not. The important thing is that they want to feel heard and listened to and that someone is interested in them.

I kind of 'observe' them while they are talking - how cute they look, how childlike, how beautiful, and how nice it is that they feel animated about things, and enjoy that aspect of the conversation rather than what they are actually saying (which is very often utter gibberish). I just say little things to make them feel I am listening and it feels satisfying to know that I am fulfilling one of the important roles of my job as a parent - making my children feel heard.

I do also often say "I can't talk at the moment because I have to concentrate on x, but I'll talk to you when I've finished it", or "You need to take it in turns to talk or nobody can hear what anybody is saying". It seems to be taking a very long time for this to sink in but I'm hoping they are gradually getting it.

It's hard work being a parent

oh and the butting in thing my dd does this too. I immediately tell her 'No it's rude to interrupt, let me finish my conversation then you can talk to me' . And then I turn back to whoever I was in the middle of a conversation.

Oh god I cant do this....she makes me soo mad

...dd has just put her wet hands all over my hair, she just sat and watch me straighten it....

its like i see things that she does and being to deliberately wind me up....bad attention?

No. She's eight. She doesn't understand the finer points of hair straightening.

But she does want attention. Children scan your relationship with their siblings to check for any inequality.

I think it might be helpful if you and your DD had an outing just the two of you, is that possible?

exactly LTS....my problem is that i read into what she innocently does, this is my problem not DD's...but exaggerated by her attention seeking which on its own is probably perfectly normal

Well, your irritation will make it worse, not better - which doesn't help you but it's true.

You really need to spend some time with her one-on-one. Tell her how much you love her too.

I tell her I love her all the time, she know exactly how I feel....
Its the irritation i need to work on..

I do conciously make time for DD.

it happens

Broadly speaking, this probably does mean she doesn't feel 'heard' by you (or not enough or well enough) but that's not a crticism of you. The fact that you say you're very similar in nature kind of explains how the pair of you get yourselves into a circular bind. You're both making sounds, but neither of you seems to be getting a good listening-to! Not to worry. There are tricks, techniques and methods to help you both.

Try this book, it's brilliant:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Just ordered the How to... book and will read it asap. Both ds and dd are looking for more attention and I am just so closed down atm, not really atm but since my sister died last year and dh is, well, not here much. I hope the OP feels better and more together soon.

Thanks Grace, i have ordeed the book and will read it with interest...read the first few pages on amazon and it was scarly accurate

Maybe you need a little more support than you are getting at the moment. Can only imagine how upset I would be if my sister died and parenting can be exhausting at the best of times. Can your DH spend more time with the children, so you can recharge a bit?

I know what you mean about the 'vicious circle' type of thing, where she wants more attention so she does annoying attention seeking things, but those things make you feel even less like giving her attention and then she does it more etc.

You need distractions from your irritation (just go and do something else and focus on that for a few minutes) and then during a break between her irritating behaviour, start something fun with her, even if it is just a silly jokey conversation or game. When you feel up to it, you could do 'bigger' activities. I used to go to 'our cafe that nobody else in the family is allowed to go to' with DD when I could get time alone with her and I really think this was the start of things improving. We also do things together that we both like (painting, craft, looking at YouTube clips). The more you manage to fit in these little things, the less she will do the annoying attention seeking behaviours.

I think some children want more attention than others. Also stressful times can mean you give them less for a bit and then they get a bit insecure. When I was going through stress DS got more attention than DD because he was the baby and seemed more vulnerable, and when one is being easier to be with than the other it is easier to give your attention to the easier child.

I've really had to work on my relationship with her ever since and try to rebuild the bond.

The constant chatter and attention seeking behavior (the hair wetting) is because she feels your rejection and is desperate for your attention good or bad, if you manage to change your reaction/attitude towards her she will be less attention seeking.
You need to stop trying to change your DD behavior and start changing yours.

I think you need too to try not to look at it from too adult a perspective. The hair straightening struck a chord with me, because DS - who is 7 - will play with my hair when I am telling him his story at night; it's a very absent minded kind of playing, as if it's his comforter, iyswim, and sometimes if it's tied back, he will pull it down without realising that that is what he is doing.

But I do sympathise - I have utterly failed to teach DS that when I am on the phone he Must Not Interrupt Unless It Is Life Or Death...

Partly it is an age thing. Both our DDs went through very chatty (never stopped talking) phases, the 11 year old is just coming through it now. They are very competitive and demand their share of cuddles and chats though, even the 14 year old.

I'd agree with finding time for both children on their own. It might just be time on their own with you in the car; DD2 always enjoys having me to herself in the car. She sits in the front, chooses the CD and talks lots.

I find the car very good for chats, as it easier when you are not having to face each other, conversation ebbs and flows naturally and you can always just put the music on and enjoy that. Plus I am driving so don't get bored if it is not a particularly intellectual discourse.

Another thing my DDs like is to come and chat when I am lying in the bath. I think the appeal is that I can't escape. I am just glad they are past the stage of undressing and getting in with me.

I never take the DDs shopping together as they like different shops, so when we are out we usually stop for coffee and a chat.

I think what I am trying to say is that it is possible to give DCs lots of individual attention and to have a very nice time yourself. Plus IME it gets easier as they get older.

I know how you feel OP, but I think my situation is worse than yours though. I love my dd (12), but sometimes I don't like her very much(I cannot even begin to describe how much guilt I suffer because of this). Like your dd, she is also constantly complaining about all kinds of aches and pains, no matter how trivial it is. She cries at the same volume for everything, whether it is a paper cut or major tumble. I think it has a lot to do with the arrival of my ds when she was 4 years old. I often explain to her that for the first four years of her life, she had me all to herself, but that her brother never had that opportunity, as my attention was then shared between the two of them. I have to remind her of this, because she always acts like she is somehow being done in, that she is being neglected, the injured party, if I don't drop everything to attend to her every demand (it drives me nuts).

I too find it very hard, at times, to hide my irritation with her. She makes me feel overwhelmed and helpless and inadequate most of the time. It is almost like she is constantly comparing me to her friends' mothers and that I come up short.

She is the most wonderful child, bright, beautiful, talented, funny and loving and I don't understand why I feel so annoyed by her at times. She also has no concept of personal space and I find myself pulling away from her when she wants to be close to me. I give her lots of hugs and loving affection, but it is never enough for her. She hangs on me while I am trying to cook etc. I don't know why this irritates me so.

Also, she is a very unaffected child. She is never happy to see me arrive or sad to see me leave. She happily goes for extended sleepovers at her best friend's house, without phoning me once.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread...what you've said just struck a chord with me.