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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A question for the men (if there are any out there)

8 replies

clevercat · 09/07/2003 09:55

This is a bit personal but I would like the male point of view on this. We have a 3 year old daughter and our trying for our second (for some time - PCOS problems) Husband desperately wants another child. He works very hard and is often tired. Sometimes though he just seems to go completely off sex. I am basically happy to have sex as often as possible but it has now been nearly 2 weeks. At the weekend I basically made it very clear I was up for it but did he want to - No. Even though he is very tired he will sit around watching crap TV until half past one in the morning - is he avoiding coming to bed with me? Things came to a head this morning when I suggested it first thing (before baby was awake) but he was his usual uninterested self - feeling rejected I went off to get showered - feeling very down - when I came out of the shower he was all ready for it - by this time I was so upset that I couldn't and I told him that he makes me feel like I am desperate and am begging for it - cue row - he asked me " why do you always have to make everything so f* difficult?" Am I making things difficult? Do you think there is something he's not telling me ( another woman?) Am feeling at my wits' end. Any advice gratefully received

OP posts:
clevercat · 09/07/2003 10:57

seems there are no men out there!

Any thoughts advice from anybody else?

OP posts:
Queenie · 09/07/2003 10:59

Clevercat, I am not a man as far as I can see!! however I know from my own DH that although they say they'd like the woman to make the first move sometimes they then feel under pressure to perform. Also from my own experience trying for a baby can take the spontaneity (spelling?) out of love making and it becomes a chore in a way. I don't think another woman is to blame but maybe bring a little romance back into it. It's hard with a toddler. Are you always up for it even when not trying for a baby? If not he may feel his sperm are what you want and not him. How old is he, could it just be a drop in drive??

clevercat · 09/07/2003 11:10

Queenie - thanks for your reply

I generally seem to have a higher sex drive than him - not only to do with trying for a baby. He is 38 - is it normal to have a bit of a dip at this age? Even if we didn't do it I would like him to come to bed earlier so that we can at least kiss and cuddle - have discussed this with him before but nothing has changed. I am 36 and probably the heaviest I have ever been so I think I worry that he doesn't fancy me anymore. Also have recently found out that his first big love lives in our area - he must wonder what might have been - she is complete opposit to me - tall, thin etc. Oh no - just depressing myself!

OP posts:
mothernature · 09/07/2003 11:19

Sometimes men just feel too much pressure to perform when they have been working hard, you say you want another baby, that too will be at the back of his mind thinking what if!

a)it doesn't work,
b)it does work!

this will be added pressure, try to change the way you aproach the subject, if possible try and arrange time on your own, get the inlaws, your parents or a good friend to look after your child for the night, go out, enjoy something you both like to do, go for a meal, go to the pictures, go to a pub if that's your thing, make it something you both used to do before your child came along.

Things should progress from there..if they don't, then not to worry, at least you will have started the ball rolling or at least the fire started, and maybe something will happen later.

My own husband felt 'uncomfortable' when the children arrived, (first child was nine months old when we caught with twins)every noise would make one of us startle, thinking, Oh god they may walk in on us, we may wake them up, but it will get better, Men are after all a species unto themselves....

I read a joke in a national paper the other week,

How to make a women love you..
a)Give her flowers,
b)buy her expensive gifts,
c)take her out for a meal,
d)tell her you love her,
e)listen to her,
f)agree with her,
g)watch a film with her,
h)cook a meal for her,
i)tell her she looks beautiful,

How to make a man love you..
a)Show up naked with beer...

Hope that helps.

nobby · 09/07/2003 21:12

I don't know if this is it with your dh - but each time we have decided to try for a baby my dh goes off sex! I think he immediately feels that I change and only want it because I want a baby rahter than because he's so desirable.... I definitely had to make the effort to want sex when there was no chance i'd get pregnant and then to have (some) non-penetrative sex during the fertile bits. It seemed to reassure him.

Ghosty · 09/07/2003 21:26

Nobby and clever cat ... my DH is the same. He is always on for 'it' but when we were trying for a baby I was quite surprised at the excuses he came up with to avoid it. I think he felt under pressure. He wanted a baby as much as I do but for some reason the pressure was too for him to perform all the time. I got round it by making sure that I wasn't always going on at him and would try to seduce him every second night rather than all the time.
HTH ...

beetroot · 10/07/2003 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StuartC · 10/07/2003 22:36

Speaking only for myself (not claiming to represent other men) I sometimes notice a loss of libido which can last several weeks. Things have always perked up eventually.
Regarding the "pressure to perform" - I'm familiar with that and it's often a real turnoff. That's probably the same effect that pressure on a woman would be.

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