How to NOT project old issues onto relationship with NM?

[EcoMouse]

How?

If I trusted totally and had my trust completely an utterly thrown back in my face, how do I then learn to extend trust to NM?

Is it a case of time or will I always have a guard up? Is it prudent to not care so much as I did about anyone again, just-in-case or in restricting emotion in such a way, am I damaging the emotional aspect of this new relationship?

What's the balance between self preservation and fully enjoying being with someone again. Is it possible to do both?

I waited years to get into anything again and have been fortunate enough that the person I'm now with, I knew for some time as a friend before we 'got together'. I feel forming a relationship with him is 'right' (good, great!) so how do I stop feeling haunted by my past experiences and worse, projecting those fears onto NM when he has done sod all to warrant my doubt?

If I knew that, I'd sleep at night

If I share out the hobnobs can I hang around cos I'm also in the process of working this out?

Oooh, sorry! Were those your hobnobs

Welcome

Puts counsellor head on.
It takes a long time to start and trust again. We are always on the look out for those nasty little clues that things are going wrong.

Remind yourself often that it is past, that this person you are with now, is not that person from the past. But somehow there is this remnant inside of you that is still hurting. That part needs reassurance, find out what she needs. Would it be possible for you to discuss this with your new partner, and ask for help that when the hurt part comes forward you need extra reassurance. Name the things that would help as partners have no idea what it is that you may need. It may be as simple as a hug.
Hope this helps. You too Colditz. we met on slatterns thread

Thank you mm. I/we do all the things you suggest, it's reassuring to see that this is how you'd suggest moving through this too.

I suppose I want it not to rear its head at all. I have no patience whatsoever and least of all with myself! I'll keep hoping that these feelings will abate over time.

I feel guilty that NM is experiencing any of the negative fallout from my past, he doesn't make me feel like a burden at all ...but sometimes I feel I am. Again, issues from within rather than a response to my current situation.

All good, EcoMouse

Please try not to get in the habit of squashing down your feelings, though, for that way there be trouble. It's infinitely better to tell your man what's up and, as mm says, how to help. Someone who knows how to care, and cares about you, will be only to happy to help take away your pain.

Glad you've found someone nice!

I was just thinking about this today, as I'm going through exactly the same dilemma. I think it's borne out of not wanting to repeat previous mistakes but I'd love to let my guard down a little. NM couldn't be more different from XH - adoring, considerate and thoughtful but inevitably there are going to be some niggles, and I've found myself really overreacting to really minor lapses on his part.

I know it's not fair on him, and I just try and explain everything, and why I'm sensitive to certain things - especially implied criticisms (he would never mean to do this, but XH was a controlling, critical arse and my alert is switched on to full.)

I wonder if time is the major factor here.

Bear in mind that he is a new man, not the old one(s). You can only fairly judge him on his behaviour as he can with you. Don't rush into anything, it does take time (a year or so for me) and I provoked dh like hell to see how he would react but in the end I did stop judging/comparing with my ex's behaviour and we have been happy for a long time now. Hope it works for you.

Agree with Fruitshoot, it does take time and patience, think of it as a part of yourself that has been severely injured, -you would give it time to heal, then physio to get the strength back etc. So don't be too hard on yourself. The hurt part of you is also in action to protect you, its a defence/survival mechanism to make sure you don't get hurt. You will be on the look out for NM showing that he IS different, value it when you see it.
Be optimistic and be kind, especially to yourself.