In laws from Hell, am I doing the right thing?

[allibaba]

I've been with my DH for 7 years, married for 3. I have always had a difficult relationship with my in laws from the word go. My FIL is a terrible snob and has never thought of me as good enough for his son. 6 weeks before we got married I was accused of marrying my DH in order to get my hands on the inheritance money and slagged off my family.

Both my in laws are ill which makes them very selfish and rude but now we've had my DS I thought their attitude towards me would change. If anything, its made me feel worse as now I've delivered a grandchild I'm surplus to requirements. No pictures of me with my DS have been taken, no family shots with in them at all! They've been rude and unkind since the birth and I have told my DH that I don't want to go round there for the time being until I'm feeling better (lack of sleep is taking its toll!).

But if I'm honest I never want to go round there again but I would never stop their access to my DS. I havn't told my DH this and don't want to make him choose but can't go on being made to feel like this. Advice welcome..

Part of me feels that if none of you enjoy each other´s company then there is no point.

That said, you are the mother of their grandson & their son´s wife & therefore deserve some respect.

Does your husband hear them being rude & unkind-and if so-what does he do?

Part of me wouldn´t want to let them have it their way and I really would feel that if you can only deal with them once a fortnight-then that´s how often they see your son.

If they are as bad as you indicate, what would he get from it all anyway?

I would suggest you tell DH that he can take your DS to see his parents and you want nothing to do with them. Your DS will soon pick up your loathing of your ILs. This is the least confrontational method and probably everybody will be happy.

Another option, which I have done as my friend did it too to great success is limit the time the ILs see your DS for a period - just make up excuses that can often set them thinking that it may be worth their while to at least be civil to you. They may understand that you could conceivably cut access to your DS.

The least british thing to do would be just tell them what you think very simply and clearly!

Your DH doesn't have to choose, but as their son and your husband he needs to tell them firmly and clearly that he won't tolerate his wife being treated as second-rate.

While your DS is very small you come as a package and if they're not prepared to be civil to you, then they won't see your son. I wouldn't recommend your dh takind ds to see them on his own, that's just giving them what they seem to want and effectively drives a wedge between you, your DH and your DS.

Sorry if i sound a bit intolerant but I've had sh*tty relatives up to here (waves at forhead) and I think the only way is to stake your colours to the mast now, as a couple - don't let this become a massive problem for all of you, it's your ILs problem not yours.

allibaba,

Would also agree its your ILs problem, not yours. You did not make them this way, they would have acted the same regardless of whom he chose to marry. Bloody toxic rellies like this can make life very difficult. It is also difficult to deal with if you have not come fortunately from a background where this type of dysfunction has occured.

Your H's first and primary loyalty should be to you his wife. His family unit comes first now and you all come as a package with you included in that deal.

Does your DH have siblings; if so was wondering how they got on with his parents.

Has your DH really not noticed the ongoing hostility between his parents and yourself?. Or has he(which is more likely) chosen to ignore it in the hopes the problem will go away? (which by the way it will not).

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as it could well be helpful to you.

Everything you've all said makes complete sense and has crossed my mind in trying to get DH to stand up to them a bit more.

DH doesn't like the way I'm treated but the problem is that if he stands up to them we both get punished and they stop speaking to us for x amount of weeks, which from my point of view is no hardship! But this only serves to make things worse as according to them my DH was never rude to them before he met me (my fault again!).

I already feel like this driving a wedge between me and DH. The other problem that I didn't mention before is that my DH is adopted. So there is an immense feeling of guilt and almost a feeling of ungratefulness that DH goes through with them and a complete lack of understanding and I think sometimes jealously from the in laws around the newborn. Not helped by the fact that my family is chilled out and welcoming and get to see DS more as they are prepared to help and support us rather than be mean and critical.

I think you need to speak to your dh about standing up to them. Obviously it's a sensitive issue, but it is really important that he makes it clear to everyone that his loyalty is to you.

Have you considered what will happen in the future? When your DS is older he will be quick to pick up on how your ILs treat you. Point this out to your husband, and have a long chat about how the two of you are going to play things from now on