I think I have to ask DH to leave

[hadenoughoffighting]

I have had enough of fighting for our marriage and I don't think his heart is in it. This has been coming for a long time and I have been in denial or thinking it will get better when X, Y or Z happens - it's not.

I'm trying to get my head round it. I love him, he loves me, we have a lovely son, but I don't think we have the same aims or goals. There are many aspects of him that are hard to live with (I think he has AS) but I could deal with it all if he wasn't basically resentful of me taking him so far away from home (he moved to this country for me).

I will never live in his country so it's the end of the line. I'm sad.

Have you ever tried living in his country? Been on holiday there? What's the problem?

No he's from a lot further away. I have spent 3 months there in one go and been loads of other times. I won't live there because I have a career that means a lot to me, massive cultural differences, I'd have to be a SAHM and live a life that stifled me. There would be no point me moving there - that would split us up even quicker.

There's no choice - either he resents being here or I resent being there. And since I have DS to consider I'm staying here and will let him go. I'm desolate though.

jesus hadenough are you ME???

except I did 3years in total lockdown...

how old is your DS?

hadenoughoffighting

Seriously, i'm guessing he's from an' Eastern' country.

No, north africa. It's not what you would imagine - it's not a problem of religion or culture in the obvious way. I can't even really explain it. It's more like, our situation ain't great right now but he's not committing to what we need to do to improve it, because he's not really committing to our life here.

DS is 20mo.

gichin...not funny

Hadenough
It's very sad. Does he know all this?
Is there any way that he could spend an equal amount of time maybe seasonal work in each country.
I know nothing of his job specs so sorry if I'm talking rubbish.
But you know your own feelings on the matter.

< There are many aspects of him that are hard to live with (I think he has AS) >

OK, so your marriage is insufficiently communicative and emotionally unfulfilling for you. Those are very big problems. If you think he has AS, that means you also think he's unable to change.

If he has AS, he will be unable to understand your feeling, yes? Presumably you've succeeded in getting him to grasp that there are problems in your marriage. Being incapable of emotional empathy, he'll look for a tangible solution to the problem. For him, this solution is Go Back Home - because, to him, Home represents familiarity & security. He will be unable to fully understand that Home does not have the same emotional pull for you. Moreover, he's only really capable of knowing his own emotions, so they'll always be his overriding driver.

Not only are Aspies emotionally hamstrung, they are resistant to change (though very impulsive in weird ways) and have shocking poor executive function - which could be loosely translated as common sense.

Is that more or less it? If so, I'm afraid I agree with you - you're on a loser and SHOULD NOT move 'Home' with him, nor even attempt a compromise. I'm sorry for you. You must be feeling terribly lonely.

How are you fixed for supportive friends & family where you're living? Will you be able to saty there?

North Africa????

If it's Egypt, (RUN!!) it's possible he's not AS, he's just emotionally stunted

My DH was here for 20 years.. pretty well housebroken integrated into the UK ways and customs. 3 years there have undone all that.

The difficulties you are having, are they mostly down to his expectations of what you are supposed to do, and that he is supposed to do bugger all very little? If so, Tis culture, won't change, they are raised to feel utterly entitled to it.

No matter what I say about working as a team, a more equal share, he won't do a single thing to help, feels everything is all my job, and thinks I have no right to complain. He meantime moans like a drain.

I'm back home here, so is he. he hates it, will go back at the end of the year and I won't miss him.

So sorry you are going through this, I can feel your hurt. It's such a let down isn't it?

Why DO you think it's AS btw? Could he not just be suffering from Culture Shock? Does very strange things to people...

mamas - he just spent nearly 4 months there. Only been back 2 weeks. He had three months there last year (with me and DS) and it's too long for me on my own with DS, struggling financially, and DS doesn't see him for 3 months - not ok.

ItsGraceagain - yes, you have hit the nail on the head. Weirdly impulsive - that's what we have argued about this time (money) and his solution to being unhappy is to go 'home' where he can make money easily (he says, when we were there we were just as broke as here IIRC, plus it's only good money in the summer, plus we have financial commitments here that we can't escape from) not recognising that it would break us up and not achieve what he wants. We used to rent a small flat there which I hated - it had no hot water, shoddy electrics, freezing cold in winter, leaking roof in the rain. I was miserable. That would be ok for him. Here, we have a nice little flat, he has friends, work, DS is happy....but it's not enough for him.

I would stay here with DS - I have family and friends here and I've just done 3 months on my own with him - I'd cope. I just don't want to really.

LMHF - no, it's not egypt. He can be very lazy but he does participate in housework and childcare, that's not the problem. He doesn't think it's all my job. The problems are related to his weird way of looking at things. His dad is (IMO) ASD which is unacknowledged and DH has about 800 characteristics of AS. I only realised this about 9 months ago.

Sad to say that I don't think you can actually do anything to save this.

If it were upbringing, like my DH, then over time there is a possibility he might be retrained into being bearable. (Unlikely, but technically if he wanted to, DH could change) But with your DH, sounds like there is more to it. That change may be beyond his power...

Either you carry on as you have been, Miserable, or you cut your losses now. The sooner you start, the sooner you will be able to get your own life to a happy and workable footing.

So sorry for you, hope you find the way out.

It's so hard to explain. Like now, on friday evening we argued about money. This is a recurring theme in our relationship - DH not taking responsibility for commitments. For eg he had his week's spending money. Enough was put aside for his costs for the weekend. he got 'in a bad mood' so he spent that too. Then he says to me 'what about the market' when he realises there is nothing left. I would usually lend him the money from the house money but this time I said no. Trying to get him to feel the consequences. I spent so long trying to ease the transition to the UK that I always picked up the slack. Now I don't want to - I want him to man up. But I don't know if he can.

He brought up the money thing again on friday - he was staying in (me going out) and made a plaintive comment about having no money for a bottle of wine. I snapped - because he had spent more than a week's money in 5 days. I had saved my spends to go out with and wasn't going to share.

I have tried showing him where all the money comes from and goes but he still resents that he has to 'answer to' me on how much he spends when I don't - but I don't spend money i don't have. he thinks I'm pretending about how little I have and won't see the facts.

Friday night when I got hiome he was sleeping on sofa. Came home last night while I was in the bath and went to bed on sofa again. Yesdterday I text him saying I was going to let him go and I couldn't be responsible for making him unhappy any more. No response.

I have no idea what he is thinking but I know he feels hard done by because he did shitloads of housework on friday night (can always tell when he feels aggrieved by the housework he does!) I guess e thinks I'm trying to make a point but I actually mean it.

I think we are in a really destructive pattern - since he arrived here I have tried to smooth his transition as much as possible, cushioned him from things he didn't understand, which was a massive mistake. I'm now trying to stop and make him be responsible for his choice to be here or not. Financially we have debts but I can pay them off by Xmas on my salary, if I get my friend to help with childcare 1 or 2 days a week. We have a van and lots of stock, I can probably raise £2-3k if I sell them. The other thing is that I own half a shop in Morocco. I could get a lawyer and try to force him to sell it. He would hate me but he'd still be about £10k in pocket and could start a new business with that.

It sounds as though you are well on the way to a workable plan. I'm impressed. He's lucky to have you (even if he can't see that) - you're looking after him to the extent of making sure he gets a reasonable start back in Maroc.

It's all so sad. Please gather your friends around you, you must feel so much in need of support!

Thanks. I'm not ready to talk to anyone yet. I will when I know what is happening. I'm really sad - I wish there was a solution. At the moment with us not even talking to each other that doesn't seem likely. I suppose I'm still hoping he will realise I'm not playing and want to do something to change my mind. I don't really want to split up. I'm willing to put up with a certain amount of crap for the good stuff, but I can't live with more crap than good stuff. We just aren't on the same page at the moment, and I really thought we were/would be when he got back. Wishful thinking.

I have felt like this in my marriage but we did split up for a couple of months and I moved out and it made a real difference. Sometime no matter how much you say it, they dont believe it until you actually get up and go! BUT sometimes if you are just two people who happen to have child but essentially don't want the same things in life it is pretty pointless, you will never be fulfilled and always be frustrated with him ad it will wear off on the child and the relationship.