Sexless marriage and fantasizing about an affair

[good2talk]

It's my 1st anniversary 2moro and I'm scared my marriage is in trouble. everything was ok but intimacy started going down hill last sept. We've only made love 3 times this year. Lots of changes this last year. Dh made redundant aug, new baby in dec, new home in march. Hubbie says he's tired. I'm not worried about penetrative sex but need hugs, touching,and kisses to feel connected. There has been issues with impotency but we've worked around those and I'm not pressurising DH, but without touching, kissing etc I'm feeling lonely, rejected, unloved and started wondering if this is it? Hubbie seems quite happy as prev relationship was sexless for 13 years!(He got fed up and left it) This to him is ok. But I'm worried this relationship will eventually turn into his last. Spoken about this lots of times but he doesn't understand how angry and hurt this makes me feel..Everytime I mention it I feel like I'm nagging. The longer we leave it the less I want to make love and the less I miss him touching/hugging me.... More worringingly I looked at maritalaffair website last night... I love my hubbie,don't want anyone else and this is a cry for help.

you need counselling - relate do a sex counselling you need to go

I think you might have to accept that your husband isn't that interested in sex. I can't imagine he would have hung around for 13 years if he was, unless he was truly and utterly in love with his ex wife.

But if he's not interested in sex then it's equally unfair to trap somebody in a sexless relationship where extra marital sex is unacceptable and you're stuck in a life of forced abstinence.

I'm sorry but I'm in a similar relationship and I'm becoming increasingly concerned too.

My wife and I have discussed it and although we have a 7 month old son, she just says she isn't ready for it yet. She accepts that things aren't right with our sex life and I/we used to joke about it because I felt awkward talking about it, but it's beyond a joke now and I too have looked at the aforementioned website feeling very guilty about it, but it never went any further. It's just so frustrating.

My concern is that our sex life was almost non-existent before our son was born, but being the man in the relationship, I feel I'm not in a position to ask for sex because I almost feel like I would be forcing her to have sex because she feels she would have to and it starts getting deeper and deeper mentally to the point where I just don't bother even trying anymore.

I love my wife dearly and otherwise we have a fantastic relationship and I would never want to do anything to damage it, but it really isn't fair when one person in a marriage just decides they're not interested in physical intimacy.

I might look into Relate as suggested.

Psyclist,

Yes, your scenerio of new baby is more common, although sounds like with your relationship like mine,sex was probably not a huge part of the attraction to your DP. I understand where you are about not even trying anymore...after rejected attempts at intimacy, it hurts so much eventually, it hurts less just to shut down those needs...I'm starting to feel dead inside. Have you asked about psychosexual counselling?? That's what I want to have, if DH will ask for a referral.

I think is one of the principal reasons for a relationship fermenting. This imbalance can be managed if both parties recognise the situation and are making an effort to compromise. In fact it can help the bonding in the relationship. Otherwise, you are sowing the seeds of deep resentment.

I have seen one situation where person appears relaxed about DP's ex-marital affairs in similar situation but that is perhaps an unusual solution.

Yeah I can't believe anybody would be 100% comfortable with their partner having physical encounters with somebody else.

It's just a strange situation. You start by thinking ok, fair enough. She just needs to be given some space to decide when she's ready or not. After a while and many more rejections you still back off but start taking offence over it, then you wonder if they're up to something with someone else and after a while more you start to wonder if it's something to do with you.

Like I say, we've talked about it but it never comes to anything so I might suggest we speak to Relate about it. I may have already set the ball rolling with a referral to Psychosexual therapy by my doctor because of a sudden irritating development of Premauture Ejaculation which seems to have come about over the last couple of years
and isn't something I've ever experienced before, which only makes things worse coz now I'm embarrassed about having sex at all and it's just another excuse to avoid engaging in sex.

As TDiddy said, it needs nipping in the bud now before bitterness creeps in.

Yeah I can't believe anybody would be 100% comfortable with their partner having physical encounters with somebody else.

It's just a strange situation. You start by thinking ok, fair enough. She just needs to be given some space to decide when she's ready or not. After a while and many more rejections you still back off but start taking offence over it, then you wonder if they're up to something with someone else and after a while more you start to wonder if it's something to do with you.

Like I say, we've talked about it but it never comes to anything so I might suggest we speak to Relate about it. I may have already set the ball rolling with a referral to Psychosexual therapy by my doctor because of a sudden irritating development of Premauture Ejaculation which seems to have come about over the last couple of years
and isn't something I've ever experienced before, which only makes things worse coz now I'm embarrassed about having sex at all and it's just another excuse to avoid engaging in sex.

As TDiddy said, it needs nipping in the bud now before bitterness creeps in.

Yeah I can't believe anybody would be 100% comfortable with their partner having physical encounters with somebody else.

It's just a strange situation. You start by thinking ok, fair enough. She just needs to be given some space to decide when she's ready or not. After a while and many more rejections you still back off but start taking offence over it, then you wonder if they're up to something with someone else and after a while more you start to wonder if it's something to do with you.

Like I say, we've talked about it but it never comes to anything so I might suggest we speak to Relate about it. I may have already set the ball rolling with a referral to Psychosexual therapy by my doctor because of a sudden irritating development of Premauture Ejaculation which seems to have come about over the last couple of years
and isn't something I've ever experienced before, which only makes things worse coz now I'm embarrassed about having sex at all and it's just another excuse to avoid engaging in sex.

As TDiddy said, it needs nipping in the bud now before bitterness creeps in.

Why's that happened?

Psyclist, you don't need bloody therapy to cure P.E. FFS! it's simply a result of infrequent sex. Regular sex would sort it out just fine.
It's normal, you get so het up that you're actually going to have sex that you can't relax and enjoy it and so it turns into a vicious cycle, you don't need a therapist to understand how common it is.

Psyclist, I would be very interested in whether psychosexual counselling works. I hope this situation works itself out for both of us,but I can't say i'm hopeful. Our Dp's are not going to change too drastically,compromise is the key both sides if our relationships are to survive. We've been compromising, now its their turn to put a bit of effort in. I'll be talking to my DH again this week about referral to GP- won't take no for an answer.

Well I thought that, but that's what the doctor said. Anyway, have a chat and see what happens. I might do the same and see what Relate suggest.

OP_ Have you never wondered if the 13 years of no sex in his previous marriage was not, errr, his "fault"? Blaming his ex wife seems very convenient.

An affair is not the answer- that would involve your emotions and another man's emmotions- unless you can find a fuck buddy who is happy to keep emotions out of it. You need to be honest- you are not just looking for sex, you are looking for affection and sex as an expression of love; an affair might give you that but it's playing a very dangerous game where lots of people could get hurt.

I went for sexual conselling when a boyfreind became impotent due to psycholgical reasons- guilt, fear of me becoming PG- he was very screwed up, and a virgin at 35.

The counselling/therapy didn't help make the situation better though the therapist gave advice- basically keep off the topic and let him "come to me" when he was ready. It did help me to move on though and leave that relationship, as I felt I had tried everything first.

In my situation, we slept in separate beds, and apart from hand holding and kissing, we had 3 years of celibacy after a whirlwind romance when he was very much up for it- 'scuse the pun.

In the end, I left him- even though I loved him- for another man. But we weren't married and didn't have children.

sounds to me as if your DH isn't facing up to it and maybe has deep seated issues which he is avoiding. If I were you, I 'd give him an ultimatum- seek help via his GPor couples' therapy- or you will leave. Harsh but maybe necessary.

purplepeony, your counselling didn't work, and my fear is that in most cases it doesn't work. I think my DH has issues. Maybe he had them before his marriage as his marriage was not consumated and he was a virgin when he met me. He was 42.. He says the issue was his wife, also a virgin and he left the marriage because of it.I think I've been a fool, but I have made my bed....

Oh you poor thing- that is awful. The guy has big issues.

Obviously he did manage it for a while or you would not have a DC.

To give counselling its due, I did not follow the advice- I found it too upsetting and frustrating, and kept picking over the problem like a scab.

There was a big age gap and I was much younger.

If he will go for sex therapy too it might help.

If it doesn't help, you might sadly have to cut your losses. Living without sex is awful, if someone has issues.
It broke my heart to leave my partner, but I had to be strong and just do it.

I did actually have an "affair" if you can call it that as we weren't living together really- just at weekends, as I had my own place, which was a bit of a fuck buddy situation. The FB and I were clear about it never going anywhere and that suited us both.

It went on for a year and he never knew, though when it ended- FB found another FB he liked better- I told him. he actually understood.

I can empathise- you have to do everything you can, but be prepared to walk away if it doesn't get better.

Psyclist - is your wife breastfeeding?

Psyclist - I did once read that around half of all couples don't have sex for a year after the birth of a baby. I don't know if that's true.

Not anymore she's not. She's been stopped for about two months. I'm perfectly happy giving my wife space after childbirth, but there was little difference before hand. She just openly admits that she'sjuy never been that sexually charged, and that's where we're having problems. Like I say, I just don't like saying anything about it coz I feel like I'm being pushy and I would never be pushy about that. It's just strange coz while we can talk about it and joke about it, it's still quite an awkward situation.
It's like a friend who I keep telling should give up smoking coz he's got bad lungs and is struggling to find a partner but he always stinks of cigarettes coz he smokes so many, but he says he likes smoking. He doesn't want to quit. What can I say?

Well,DH and I spoke about my discontent yesterday and I think he realises this is a big issue for me. I told him how it makes me feel, and that our marriage is suffering because the knock on effect of our lack of initimacy is poor communication which then has negative effects on all aspects of our relationship...Today he booked appt with the doctor . I've also ordered a self help book-The Sex-starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage
Libido, AND decided to stay as loving and tactile as possible to keep the intimacy going in the meantime while we seek help.Keeping my distance doesn't help and may make matters worse.