Can anyone explain my DH's behaviour and tell me what to do?

[TheFutureMrsClooney]

Marriage has been crap for years - he's a functioning alcoholic, takes no responsibility for anything in our lives, has had a few affairs etc etc. He will not discuss our problems, just gets up and walks out of the room. I have resorted to writing to him even though we're still living together. He does not respond and acts as if nothing has happened. We lead entirely separate lives.

Finally I've given up and accepted that I can do no more to save the marriage and I have to say I feel much better already. Cue more walking out of the room. I have stayed very calm and controlled throughout the whole business and am just weary rather than angry with him now.

But....if he will not talk about it, how do I cope with the practical side?

I have seen a solicitor, the estate agent has done a valuation, taken the photos etc but he still will not engage.

We have two teenage DDs who have sussed what is happening and spoken to me about it - they're sad but not surprised and the eldest said she didn't know why I'd put up with him so long .

I want to keep it amicable for their sakes but I don't see how I can carry on like this. If the house sells reasonably quickly I can buy a smaller place and get on with my life, but I'm totally stunned by his lack of reaction.

Poor you

I can't explain his behaviour. If I had to guess I would say it is a kind of denial. I wouldn't expect a reaction any more. Just tell him that you are proceeding , that you would like to talk about it but, as he won't talk you will let your solicitors deal with it. he should expect to hear from them.

I don't know what else to suggest but didn't wantto leave you unanswered.

Thanks, pagwatch.

I worry about how he's going to cope on his own - he's never lived alone before. He's not a bad man but I've let him get away with too much for too long.

I can imagine when the removal van eventually comes he's going to refuse to move.

I haven't got that far down the line but DH is functioning alcoholic too and his usual response is to walk off. V frustrating. My therapist says that only relationship he has is with the alcohol everything else is secondary. Does he accept he has a drink problem? If he does would he go to AA or Easyway? IMHO I would just go ahead with everything but keep him informed - the ball is in his court then. Make sure you have supportive friends with you when the removal van comes. I suppose you could change the locks the day before. He'll manage somehow you have to do what is right for you now.

Its not up to just you to keep it ammicable, that shit also lands at his doorstep too.If I was you I would only have any contact with him through solicitors letters, I wouldnt bother talking to him.Just get the shit done that you need to and forget about him for the rest of the time.Also stop making excuses for him the only way he'll learn to cope on his own is by being left on his own.You are not his parents to guide him through everything, you are his partner and if he valued your relationship that much he wouldnt have sunk as far as he has, and hurt you as much as he has.

Hi,

He is likely to be in complete denial (many alcoholics do denial very well) of the whole situation hence his lack of action. His primary relationship is with drink, everything and everyone else around the alcoholic comes a dim and distant second.

You are not responsible for him - he will manage and he is making his own choices here.

Your teenage daughters may well want to contact Alateen as they can be helpful in such circumstances. Point them in that direction. They have also, like you, had a hellish time of it. You may well want to talk to Al-anon about what has happened too.

These are the 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

An alcoholic cannot be "made" to stop.
They have to want to.

My family:
SIL alcoholic, won't admit it, whacks her kids

Brother WAS alcoholic till doctor told him he was killing himself. He's stopped.

BIL: drugs and alcohol. Tried to dry out 300 times, at 45 he finally did it.

BIL2: almost died of drink and drugs about 6 times. Still drinks and takes drugs. Not expected to live past his 45 birthday.

Another SIL: drugs and alcohol, has had her younger child taken away. Works as a prostitute to feed her habit.

Niece's FIL: alcoholic, never admitted it, died of cihhrohis of the liver aged 60.

His wife is going the same way.

You cannot help unless they want tohelp themselves. The family has really found out the hard way. My nieces talk about leaving home at 18 so they can experience "normal life".

Alcoholics are not interested in anything but their drink. He won't react to anything that happens. don't expect him to. If you hid all his drink, then you'd get a reaction.

So sorry he is like this, but you cannot expect "normal" reactions from an addict.

Thanks everyone.

As usual, Attila and others are right. He is in denial. After advice on here last year I went to AlAnon and realised what would happen to me if I didn't act.

I've gone beyond hiding his drink but he still siphons money for it out of our account - probably around £300 a month - which is why we have so much debt.

I'm sad that after such a long marriage (and his second) he doesn't at least care enough about our DDs to sort himself out. They are dealing with it in a very mature way but I don't want them to feel they have to escape us both for a normal life.

I'm really excited about starting again, just struggling with his weird non-reaction. Just hope the house sells quickly.

MrsClooney, you're doing brilliantly. My advice is to read your own posts, here, and take yourself as a role model!

Just don't go overboard on 'taking care' of him. For better or worse, he's going to have to fund his own drinking pretty soon. Take care of yourself and your DCs - you all have a lot of 'absent' time to make up for. Good luck

Thanks Grace, I'm not enjoying him casting himself as victim in this but hopefully it will all be over soon.

If you are selling the house, he will have to sign the contract and the transfer, unless you get an order for sale.

Ask you solicitor to set the ball rolling now, as you don't want to get an offer, accept, get as far as signing the papers and find he simply refuses to do so.

My hubby was exactly the same when i told him that marriage was over and i wanted a divorce...no bloody fight in him whatsoever.
I saw a solicitor and told him about it afterwards but he still had no significant reaction...just seemed to accept that this was my decision and he could not or rather as i see it, would not do something to save this marriage.
I am afraid some men are just like that...they just cant be arsed to put some effort into a relationship.
You must do what is best for you now...not him.

Are you OK now Bubble1?