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Unhappy in my marriage - DH emotionally detached

127 replies

wonderingifthisisit · 28/05/2010 12:51

I really could do with some advice about my marriage (have namechanged). DH and I have been together for 12 years or so. We have two lovely children. We were reasonably happy for the first few years, but as things have got more stressful and complicated following children, our relationship has steadily deteriorated.

Basically, we've always just done our own thing and paid little attention to our relationship. And while this worked for a long time, I've come to understand that it isn't really enough to sustain a marriage - and that I want and need more commitment, support and love. But DH is happy with things as they are (other than wishing there was a bit more sex, but I don't feel particuarly interested when I am ignored the rest of the time). He agrees that he isn't particularly emotional, but is very happy with himself, doesn't want to change, and thinks that emotional men are a bit weak. And he won't change. And resents the implication that he should.

I forced him to go to Relate. And within the first session the counsellor had reached the same point as me - that he's essentially emotionally detached, but happy to be so and unwilling to change. And that I am probably a bit detached too, which is why we got along together for as long as we did, but that I have changed over the years and following the kids, and am now looking for more from him.

We have sex maybe 3 times a month but otherwise there is no intimacy, no hugs, kisses, no 'I loves you's. When pushed, DH will say 'of course I love you' and says he respects me enormously. But there is no evidence of this love. There used to be more, but since the kids and him getting preoccupied with work and study, this is just not a priority for him.

He has shown me over and over again that whenever I really need him, he retreats and gets consumed with his own thoughts and activities. He gets overwelmed, cannot provide support, and becomes entirely self-centered. Which I forget when life is just bubbling along normally and I don't particularly need help and love. But remember again when I turn for him and he's emotionally not there. So I just do everything myself. And I'm tired of not being looked after in any aspect of my life.

He says he likes talking to me, but never organises anything for us to do together or expresses any particular interest in us being together. We have babysitters freely available, but I have to make all the effort. I can expect little/no effort for birthdays. I've tried date nights etc. I had to force him to go away for our anniversary. And we had a better time when we did our own thing while we were away.

We can't agree on basic stuff like where to live, because we are really two people living separate lives in the same house - which is exactly how he wants it. ie.e unaffected by the other person.

Now we just find it harder to be together. We find it easier to do things alone with the kids, because otherwise we bicker in the weekends. We even take the kids away on holiday alone because we don't really want to be together. Earlier in the month he was away for work for a week and neither of us missed the other in the slightest (although obviously he missed the kids).

Which leaves me with an otherwise decent man who is a good father to our children, reliable and honest, and who I can have a laugh with and interesting conversations - but who will never wrap his arms around and adore me, and who isn't there when I really need him.

There's no hope is there? He's also disconnected from his mother (politeness, but nothing more which drives her insane) and from what I gather all previous relationships ended with girlfriends getting similary frustrated and angry with his inability to connect.

I've been depressed, angry and miserable about this for 3 years or so, and can't bear much more of it - it's a very lonely place -but don't want to walk away without really feeling like I tried my best.

Anyone else had experience of this?

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wonderingifthisisit · 10/06/2010 09:37

OP back again

Kiwiinkits - you certainly don't need to defend your position. I genuinely do appreciate all suggestions and acknowledge different approaches work for different couples. And I have certainly reflected on what you and others have said here. Thank you.

But I think IsGraceAvailable is closer in her description of my situation. I certainly don't suffer from a lack of confidence in asserting my needs. I am very, very clear in what I need or want from my husband. He simply refuses to provide it. Any love, small acts of kindness etc already come from me. And my increasing of these acts over the past couple of years has just increased his ability to use our home as a convenient base for his life.

Which is where we have got to over the past few days. We have been talking and talking - me pushing the issue of course. And I'm finally seeing this for what it is. He does not see marriage as a joining of two people in anyway. We, in his eyes, should be two people who get on with our own lives and are obviously linked by the children, but he will not have his plans compromised by me in anyway. So, my crying child was my life. Not his. Which is why he didn't bother himself getting upset about it or helping me.

There is no "our life". We have no plans for our future, just his plans for his future, and I should have mine. And fingers crossed they are compatable. Which they obviously aren't. Hence our problems. I have been battling, and crying, and confused and angered by his inability or unwillingness to engage in plans for our life together. But he never was going to because he doesn't think it's healthy or necessary for a marriage.

And because his plans revolve simply around ensure our children's future financial stability, anything to do with a pleasant life now is my choice to make within my life. He's happy to benefit from it but not provide it. Equally, my financial future is not his interest.

I think he is wrong in his view of marriage. (But I could be wrong or overly romatic here?) I am very independent, have plenty of careers goals, friends, interests, travel dreams and appreciate a great deal of time to myself. But I didn't think I was doing it all alone, without someone to also share the good and bad times.

I am devastated not to have known this was his view before we married. But it does make a lot of sense out of the emotional rollercoaster I have been on over the past few years.

So I have a choice between living separate lives pleasantly (and it is already better between us now that I know he will never provide me with support and engage in planning for a life together - because we don't have one) or making plans that include an enjoyable life with my children, maybe finding someone else who can meet my emotional needs, and financial security for my own old age.

I'm tending towards the second option.

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