Advice much needed and gratefully received.

[sonothappy]

I have name changed for this.

My marriage has been through some tough times over last few years, mostly due to hubbys depression following his mothers sudden and early death.

Things had started to improve a little, but we have no sex life to speak of - we have had sex once in 2 years. It breaks my heart to admit that.

I have just discovered that he has been spending a lot of money on pretty much fuck all, basically just frittering it away and getting us in financial difficulty. He has blatantly lied about it several times to cover his tracks. I am so hurt that he has lied, continued to lie, and has wasted the money (£300 last month) on essentially nothing games, a bit of weed).

We have struggled with money for so long.

I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I can't trust him. Is there anything left of our marriage if I can't trust him? This feels at the moment like the final straw but am I over reacting?

so sorry for what you're going through sonothappy. am not an expert but your DH's spending could be a comfort thing? Not sure it's a betrayal of trust, perhaps more that he is finding solace in spending? is he getting professional help for his depression? If not, could you encourage him to seek some?

he has had counselling and actually seems so much happier, to the point i don't evem think he is deprressed now. its the lies that hurt.

Sounds very similar to my soon to be ex DH.

With him, I'm convinced it's a control issue. From the outside I appear to be controlling him by not "allowing" him enough money. He refuses to get involved in anything to do with our finances, but takes great delight in secret spending, also around £300 a month on booze and fags, often disguised by shopping at petrol stations.

Also, no sex for three years - I'm just too angry with him. I'd like the occasional holiday or weekend away but we have too much debt, in spite of a reasonable income.

I don't think you're overreacting and I regret not following through my threats years ago.

He's showing you a great lack of respect. What happens if you confront him about his spending? Does he just admit to what you can prove?

Others may suggest counselling if you want to make a go of it. I have no experience of it, I just kept battling away on my own.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Sorry, firing questions at you.

Sorry I vanished for couple of days. Had serious "crisis" talks and think we have worked through a lot of stuff. He apologised so very profoundly and I do believe he is sorry, and indeed, admitted he hadn't realised how much had been frittered away.

We still have a long way to go, but I think its worth trying. Like I said in Op, before this his depression had begun to improve.

Thankyou, TheFuture, your words did help and did make me think. In 5 years I still see us together.