DH comment made me soooooo cross

[kittycat37]

Apologies in advance for a vent. I'm interested to know if others would get as pissed off as me about this...

Dh and I have a 3yr old DD and 6 wk old DD. The last few weeks since birth of DD2 have been wonderful in some ways and the hardest I've ever experienced in others.

Anyway last week DH said he wanted to go away with some mates for a night, (his football team), he would be away for about 2 full days and a night.

I wasn't overjoyed, things being so demanding with a newborn and a tempermental 3yr old etc. I made a few comments about it being quite a long time to go away and wouldn't a night out be ok for the time being. However I didn't kick up a huge fuss as just figured that as he's an adult he can decide himself if he feels ok with his decisions....I actually thought that he'd change his mind, or at least just go for less time...

But the thing that FUCKING enraged me was the night before he said
'I'm so grateful to you for LETTING me go'

YUCK....'letting'????????? What is he, a child???? I told him that I'm not his mother and he makes his own decisions. There's no 'letting' involved - he knew I wasn't that happy about it...but he seemed oblivious to the point I was making.

Anyway he went...he came back and said again he was 'grateful'...aggggghhhhhhhh

I'm not sure what I find so completely sick making about this - he's not a bad bloke at all, far from it.

I just can't bear being put into some script where I apparently have to 'grant permission' for his actions. It just feels like such and insulting burden....I'm not expressing myself very well. I think there's a femininst point in all this somewhere - if anyone can make it better for me I'd be grateful.

If you've made it to the end of this vent, congratulations - it's been cathartic for me.

I think you are over reacting tbh though of course it is all in the tone of ho he said it.

"Don't say crap like that to me DH, makes me feel like I've got 3 kids"

I get your point. I probably wouldn't make a big deal about it (for the moment) as I'd still be too pissed off that he went away for 2 nights.

You're right, this whole "letting me go" stuff is pathetic - I get it from DH sometimes. I have enough children - I don't need an extra one.

But it's prompted by guilt - he knows he's pushing his luck, hence the need to make it seem like you've somehow granted permission and thus are responsible for the decision. All bollocks.

Lfairycake and Hassled, you've summed up what I find so infuriating about it.

The point is my conscience determines what I feel is acceptable in terms of my decisions and if roles were reversed I don't think my conscience would let me fuck off for a jolly with my mates at the moment - yes when the baby is older..quite a lot older, like years...

But if DH uses the 'granting permission' tactic it puts one in the horrible position that the opposite of 'not granting permission' implies that you're a 'nag/ controlling'.

DH is not a manipulative person - but I felt manipulated by this...I don't think it was conscious on his part, I just think society sanctions this stereotyped modes of interaction and sometimes people slip into them (I'm just so pissed off DH couldn't see that and avoid casting me in the role of his mother).Twunt.

I think Hassled is right. It is a manipulation. That is what you felt, even though it is sometimes very hard to know exactly why or to have the vocabulary for it.

It stinks of setting you up to be labeled a controlling bitchy wife if you ever do say no.

x post kitycat.
I think you need to try to stop this behavior because this is the sort of thing that will drip into every corner of your life. Talk to him and expecially point out that you are very sensitive (like zero tolerance) with being treated this way.

Damn right toomanystuffedbears.

I have no problem with him enjoying himself - he's a great Dad and supportive partner and before birth of DD2 he always encouraged me to enjoy myself too if I wanted to do things that meant him babysitting for instance.

What I can't take is just being made to feel responsible for his (crap on this occasion) decisions.

He reckons he's a really right on supporter of female equality. [Hmm]

Bide your time. Do the same when your little one is less dependent upon you.

That will put the wind up him. And it will do you the world of good.

i no exactly what you mean, he's trying not to feel guilty about going so because you've 'let' him he can go with a clear conscience. Ive got a friend whose dh is like this, it drives her mad.

Yes Hodie - I will bide my time. It's also just I know I wouldn't enjoy being away from my kids in the same way - with DD1 I went away for 1 night when she was 1 and hated it and spent the whole time in a panic. When she was nearly 3 I went to New York with my brother as a pre wedding thing (for him) for 3 days. DH encouraged me to go and was really reassuring about how DD would be fine - I still spent a ridiculous amount of time crying down the phone, feeling shit and wishing I hadn't gone. I think as much as anything I don't understand his detachment in being able to really enjoy going away.

But I do like going out for an evening, don't get me wrong... and I will when DD is a bit older.

I think you're over reacting and reading far too much into it. He was only showing his appreciation. It's just a typical way of putting a "thank you" into a sentence format. Relax and be pleased that your DH has been grateful.

I'm with journey on this - would not corss my mind to be so nit picky about specific wording! He is acknowledging that he is very lucky to have a partner who is not bossing him to stay in or moaning about him going out, like many wives might do in your circs

I think what you're angy about is that you think he can go away and not seem to care about the childrens whereas you couldn't detach when you had a night away.

But, if you don't want him to go, just SAY SO. I hate it when women 'test' their partners in this way. If you don't communicate how you really feel about something and let them make the decision hoping that they'll make the 'right' choice you're playing a childish game with them. It seldom goes your way and then you will become unfeasibly resentful and angry when they get it wrong.

Try communicating properly and honestly about how you feel. Men aren't mind readers.

OP, I know exactly where you are coming from and I would be pissed off too. Its just a way for men to either slag off women for being controlling nags if the men decide to stay home and prioritise their family responsibilities, or to totally abdicate their responsibilities if they do go because they have 'permission'.

I'm with Journey on this one. Maybe the way he worded it got your back up but the sentiment was appreciation.

But the point is I didn't want his appreciation - I wanted his help with the kids.

It was blatantly clear I would rather he wasn't going away.

But I'm not his keeper and I won't lower myself to wasting energy trying to change his mind when he'll do what he wants anyway.

TBH I think he's having a reaction to being a Dad for the 2nd time. He did this 1st tme but it didn't last too long - he was just a bit of a selfish twunt for a little while after the baby was born before reverting to his lovely self. I think this is the same syndrome.

The 'letting me go' stuff is just bullshit and he knows it really I think. He's struggling with the enormity of new responsibility and projecting that onto me. But I'm not having it - I've too much else to cope with.

My advice for you is pick your battles......

You are reading far too much into this.

Blimey I have said the same sort of thing to my DH or Mum if they have had the kids for a weekend as I feel bad. Maybe I don't use the word letting but it is just a word.

Chill

Sure Nikki1978 - I guess my reaction seems OTT when described like this but believe me it's not in the context of other stuff since the baby was born and our relationship as a whole.

But I can't really adequately describe it in a internet thread with strangers.

Suffice it to say this thread has done what it was designed to do for me - allowed me to vent so that I don't say stuff I will regret to DH - believe me, I DO pick my battles.

Thanks for the replies.

But if you are joint parents then surely he does need your permission to cover his bit of the task when he's away, iyswim?

So, what would you have liked him to say?

I get that you didn't want him to go - but given that he was presumably aware of your opinion, and that he made a decision to go out, how could he have worded it such that you would have been happy?

Say that's fine, but obviously as soon as you can leave the baby with him, when you've stopped breastfeeding or whatever, you'll be going away for a couple of night with a girlfriend too. Share and share alike. Put it in the diary.