DP doesn't want to spend any time with me ):

[Audrey666]

Hello.

A bit of background:

Me and DP have been together 6 years, living together for 4. DS is 4 and DD is 1.
We both work - although I work full time (4 nightshifts in NHS) and he works 2 dayshifts (works for/with his friend's business). He does the lion's share of housework, cooking and childcare though as he works less.
We both have most weekends off and the DC's usually go to my parents every Saturday overnight.

DP reckons that because he is in the house most of the week doing all the childcare and housework then he 'should' be able to spend all weekend doing stuff with his mates/by himself. I see his point in a way because when I was on mat leave and he was doing more hours I found it hard work as many SAHMS on here will agree! And I must admit he is very good at it and also his work (computers).

But.....(and this is the big BUT to me)..
He never wants to do anything with me as a couple, despite us having regular babysitters (my parents) and it really bothers me. He used to ask me 'out' all the time the first year or two we were together - concerts, meals etc. The last time he even suggested going anywhere together or as a family was last November! Most of the time we are working at different times and living separate lives , getting together once every couple of days for an hour or so of TV, sex, or chess! NEVER go anywhere outside the house, despite having ample opportunity.

If I ask him he always says "If you want" or "I don't like (whatever I've suggested-cinema, tennis,swimming, pub etc)".If it involves my friends he will say "I'm not really comfortable with new people" argh.
I have told him how unhappy Iam with this situation so many times now it's unreal but he just tells me "We live together now - I see you every day" or some variation of that and if I press the issue "Stop moaning/nagging/going on".

I do have other interests and friends so I suggested to him we take it on turns to go out with mates separately on Fri nights (take turns of staying in with the kids) and then spend Saturdays together. But he usually ends up planning to go to pub himself/with friends or go fishing/camping THE MAJORITY OF EVERY WEEKEND. Why doesn't he want to do anything with me???

I look at friend's enjoying spending time with their partners when they can and my tummy just sinks. I know it's a problem for me, he knows but just doesn't care - reckons he needs his 'free time' away from the house and drudgery (which I think I must represent to him).

This is one of the few arguments we have but it comes up again and again. I was in hospital last week and he managed to stay at home as I'd just got discharged, but again today I ask him if he wants to do anything Saturday and he has already made plans to fill his entire weekend with solitary pursuits and a night at his mates with no thought to me. I challenged him on it and he had the cheek to say "but I was with you all last weekend" (when i was recovering from small op) - like being with me is a torture to be endured or something .

I'm so unhappy about this part of me feels like it's ultimatum time, because I have tried to get him to understand my feelings, but to no avail , so what other option do I have left? {sigh}

Any advice welcome....

yes it's bloody hard,isn't it, relationships. am no saint in this regard, believe me. dh said 2 weeks ago that he really thought we were no good for each other - it's the sort of thing that sends me into despair. we seem to have got past that day, but i no longer ask 'did you really mean that' as he never takes these things back fully, and i can't really deal with having so many of these comments in my head. God knows what things I have said to him, naturally i don't remember those.

oh dear, are relationships worth it?? i sometimes wonder!

I don't know if it's worth it , tbh!
But I get quite frustated that I've never been single since I was 16. I had an idiot boyfriend from 16-18 and then met DP , had 2 kids and now still in early 20s. So I don't really know what it's like to be an 'adult' without real dependants ie children /relationships with childish men to consider! lol.

That is shit that your DH said that - sounds like exactly the sort of thing DP would say to me and then not explain. But on reflection I would (and have done ) say that to him.
Probably we need to learn to relate to each other better. I probably need to learn to think about and calmly and clearly assert my own needs and boundaries without huge emotional showdowns and know that I deserve to have them. And not show that I'm scared to be alone/unsure of boundaries. I did this with the 'excessive drinking' episode because I read up on alcoholism/problem drinking (the person won't change unless THEY want to, all you can do is keep your own boundaries and not enable, the 3 C's etc). Thinking it may be good to implement it with other things.

I'm sorry it sends you into despair. It really knocks your confidence and brings your mood down being in a difficult relationship, doesn't it?