Am I being silly?

[redwiner]

I have been with my current partner for about 9 months, I am widowed with a teenager and he is separated with an 8yo child. He and his wife have been apart for over 6 yrs yet they are not showing any inclination to actually getting divorced. They get along pretty well, just couldn't live with each other - so am I being silly about the fact they are not bothering to get divorced? I have no qualms that they will get back together but would I be within my rights to ask him to get divorced if he expects us to move our relationship any further?
Any advice would be helpful.

Do you know why they don't want to get divorced? What does he say when you ask him?

No I don't think you are being silly - if there is really nothing there, why do they not want to get divorced? It's simple enough if they have been separated over 2 years and they can be friendly about it.

I know you've only been together 9 months, but you might want to marry this man at some point in the future, he can't do that if he is still married to someone else!

He said they began proceedings several years ago, never got around to finishing off the paperwork and that it is now out of date. They could apply to start again but neither of them seem that bothered and as its quite costly to get divorced they don't see the point. I'mnot sure I can get past this and move on in the relationship with him still married-albeit only on paper-to someone else.

Have you told him that it's a problem for you that he's still married?

I don't think it would be unreasonable to say to him that you aren't comfortable having a serious relationship with someone who is married to someone else, although I wouldn't actually ask someone I'd been seeing for 9 months to get a divorce to please me.

Well there is a point now - he is with someone else!

Surely he can't think it's okay to be in a serious relationship with one person, and married to another, even if it is only on paper? Understandable (to a point) if it was a fledgling relationship and not that long since they had been separated, but come on - 9 months is not exactly a fling, and he'd been separated for over 2 years already when he met you.

What if you move in together, it will affect taxes, pensions, joint bank accounts, bills, benefits, etc. Just seems like a lot of hassle!

No I haven't actually told him in so many words as to be honest, I wasn't sure it was my place to do so. I have said things like it'd be so much easier if things were sorted out officially between them and he agrees, but he is recently back in work after being made redundant and out of work for about a year so money is quite tight for him, and the wife works part-time so neither of them is particularly well off, so I totally understand the money side of things, but you're right-if we are to carry on together he needs to find a way of getting round that side of it. It just seems a bit callous to say 'get divorced or I'm off.'

I have been separated from DH1 for 5 years, I have a new partner.
I am still married, I am in no rush to get a divorce.

I think you need to ask your DP where he sees your relationship going and if he plans to get divorced at all

Can I ask why you are not divorced-just so I get another viewpoint?

you can get a divorce very cheaply when it's just the legal formality

DP would like me to get a divorce and marry him.

It is something we have not got round to doing and if I am honest I do not want to do.

There is no benefit to be had from it, but I am just a very odd person.

So Runaway, if it were flipped and it was your new partner who was married and in no rush to get un-married do you think you would be happy with that? And I am wondering why, if your new DP wants to marry you why you are staying married to the person you left? Blimey, relationships are soooo complicated aren't they? !!

If it was flipped I think I would feel the same.

Also (and I would like to point out this is just my personal choice and I am not judging anyone else) I do not want my children to have divorced parents

Fair enough, as you say, it's entirely your choice. I have had several points of view and it's good to have different ideas to mull over. Thanks to everyone who replied to me.

Does your DP live with you? If not, bear in mind that he may not see the relationship as so serious that he needs to consider getting a divorce.
Why does it matter to you BTW? If you are a widow with a teenager then presumably you are not in a rush to have babies with this man, so why not just enjoy his company instead of trying to 'move forward' when there is no real need?