When do you decide it's time for couple counselling? And how does it work?

[jamaisjedors]

Just wondering how bad things have to get for you to consider counselling?

I've been considering it for ages because things have been off course between DH and I for about 3 years now, but every time I seriously consider it (he even agreed to go at one point), things get better and there seems no need.

I also don't have any idea what you "do" during the sessions (am not in the UK, so no RELATE).

There is no issue of affairs/addiction/violence but we have forgotten how to be nice to each other and our arguments often escalate (we haven't spoken since Tuesday for example this week).

Most of it is lack of time and energy (2 DS 3&6 + 2 more-than full-time jobs).

We went when we'd been together a couple of years, some people might have thought why bother if you don't get on and haven't been together very long but the thing is we loved each other and both were heartbroken at the thought of splitting up, my dd adored him and he was a brilliant dad to her, we had loads in common but we both had issues from our past that got in the way of having a good relationship, he had been cheated on and I had been abused, we had got to the being comfortable part of the relationship and were bickering a lot so we decided the way forward was to go for counselling and it helped us so much, I learnt how to have a constructive relationship, not to take everything the wrong way and to understand he wanted to make me happy and wasn't doing things just so he could later turn my world upside down.

That was about 6 years ago and we have since had dd2, started my own business, moved house and got married and we barely argue, we tend to have a row a few times a year over nothing then we're fine again.

We really enjoy being together and still have lots in common and try to do things to make each other smile eg yesterday I sent him a utube link with a song that reminded me of when we first started seeing each other and then he sent me one back.

I hope you two manage to sort things out because it's horrible when you can't seem to get on track.

Thank you that's a really positive story lmg.

One part of me thinks that we could really benefit from learning to communicate better and it would make life so much better long-term.

Another part of me thinks that I am over-thinking things or being too perfectionist.

If you haven't spoken since Tuesday it suggests you are not over reacting imo. It's very childish and unfair to be so ignorant to each other and you both should have more respect for your relationship than to just allow that to carry on tbh.

I believe the following are helpful.....

don't go to bed not speaking

treat others as you would like to be treated

sometimes you have to agree to disagree

You're right it is childish but we are both v. pig-headed and convinced we are right.

We need to get past this, especially as I can't even remember what it's about, just a general bad atmosphere

We decided that we needed counselling as a couple so went to relate. Spent £160 to be told that it wasn't the right thing for us because my counsellor didn't feel comfortable asking my husband questions in front of me incase it set me off. She also said that I obviously had no control over my anger which made my husband cross because he said that is obviously not true. It isn't true, by the way. We were really disappointed that we had paid alot of money for help to be told they wouldn't provide it. My friend who went to relate was told she should split up with her husband, which isn't the point of going! Just be careful. What about writing a letter of your feelings for yourselves and getting a baby sitter so you can spend some time together. That's what we are going to try.

Oh dear Spanky I'm sorry to hear that!

Thank you for the ideas.

At the moment I am struggling to think of my feelings for (D)H and he doesn't see the point of getting a babysitter because he thinks we see enough of each other.

But then sometimes it all just snaps back into place and is great.

Currently though we haven't spoken since Tuesday, I "broke" the deadlock last night and tried to talk to him and asked why he was cross, he said he didn't like the way I was talking to him.

I slept in the spare room last night.

I went with H after a particularly rough patch. It was not a good idea, H was acting abusively but somehow managed to make me out to be the unreasonable one in the 3 sessions we went to. He used this for years as 'proof' that he was right and I was wrong. Everything was about compromise, and actually it really wasn't about compromise..
We are now going to our own therapists (psychotherapy) and things are going much better.

I had wondered about just going to see someone myself and talking things through (friend has recommended a psychotherapist she uses).

Any other experiences?

I personally have not found relaate so good but we saw a private accredited therapist - britich councelling - maybe there is equilant were you are..and shes brilliant.id say meet with one and trust your gut instinct wether you like them and feel comfortable -also check which counceling perspective they adhere to - you may have a preference for a particular approach eg one which can be diretive - give exercises to do at home or advice or you may prefer more lstening only etc.good luck- trust your instincts.

ps so sorry for all the spelling mistakes - im a bit tired !! ooooops

Well we broke the deadlock last night...

And had a "discussion" from 11.30 to 2.30am.

At least we are talking!

Lot's of things said, but I really think we have problems communicating, I seem to take everything as a criticism and I don't feel loved or appreciated, but I think that partly comes from my insecurities.

I think I will start by seeing someone on my own and take it from there.

Gah! Stray apostrophe in the lot's [sic]!

LAck of sleep talking.