DH wants to separate :(

[noplacelikehome]

I have been reading some posts on MN for a while but this is the first time I have posted so hello to everyone.
Two weeks ago my DH announced to me out of the blue that he has been seeing another woman for five months and wants to move in with her this weekend!
Well, shocked doesn't cover it! We have been together for 13 years, he is a good husband, we have a happy marriage, have a laugh together, never fall out and he is known to all family and friends as a really good and trustworthy man. I never ever thought he would do this
I still can't believe it! We have two DC aged 9 and 6 and I didn't want to tell them because I kept thinking he'd come to his senses and I wouldn't have to. I begged him to reconsider but he wouldn't
We told them tonight and they were very upset, my 6 year old doesn't get it, she thinks she can make things right by crossing her fingers
It hurt when he told them he'd met another woman who he loved and wanted to be with.
I thought we'd be together forever, I can't see it lasting with this other woman for many reasons...financial, time spent with kids etc. I told him once he'd told the kids there's no way back.
He's thrown away so much, everyone's shell shocked, all my friends say they've never known a couple who get on as well as us. He won't tell me his reasons for going, other than he's met someone who he wants to be with.
All those years of marriage down the pan and two lovely children upset. How selfish!
Has anyone else's DH done this...and when did you and your kids start to feel a bit stronger?

Thanks for your words of support, everyone
It hurts very much at the moment. I looked at his facebook today and he has already changed his info from 'married' to me, to 'in a relationship' with this OW
He hasn't even left here yet!!
He's behaving like a teenager and it is so out of character. My mum told him what she thought of him today and he shouted and swore at her which upset the kids...it just gets worse
I've got an appointment with the bank next week and I'll be visiting the citizen's advice. I've requested the forms for the council tax too so had a very productive day.
As the great D:Ream once said, ''Things can only get better''

Yep - teenager springs to mind! He's behaving terribly and I really feel for you. I think a few bin bags full of his clothes is in order. How dare he treat you like this - it's inhuman.

It will take time but, yes, things will get better and you will get great support from here. Thinking of you.

WHose name is the house in? I think you need to tell him firmly that he must leave - ok perhaps not tonight, but tomorrow. If he no longer considers himself your partner, he should be out of there and moving in with his new GF.
Certainly, if you haven't done so already stop servicing him domestically. Tell him he can get his own meals and take care of his own laundry. You are not his servant.

Hello OP.

You must be so stressed.

Sounds like he's a selfish coward. Why was he not brave enough to talk to you about his problems before reaching this point.

Try to eat enough to keep your strength up. Your kids need you to be healthy.

Keep the kids in their routine if you can.

Reassure the kids they're safe and secure with you.

Talk to a counselor asap, get things off your chest. Especially if you don't want the kids to see you break down. Cry to your hearts content in a safe place.

Good luck

His behaviour is shocking. I am so sorry.

I found out after H had affair for 18 months but he didnt move fast like this. You must be so in shock. Some little bits of advice:

1. If you didnt use condoms with him get yourself tested at an STD clinic.
2. Think about taking stuff to help -i found Rescue Remedy helpful - others say Kalms. These are natural things bought in health store.
3. If kids are upset let one cuddle/sleep in each night with you to start. Its not good to use them as a crutch very long term in this way but can help everyone at the start, if it suits you
4. You can get NHS counselling but it might take a while - go to your GP to access it.Do try to get some counselling - it really helps. YOu might get 6 sessions or maybe more. It is good to do more counselling if you can.
5. If your really struggling go to your GP to discuss antidepressants or anti anxiety medicine -hope you have a good GP.
6. Keeping posting on a website maybe this one can really help
7. Busy is good - do work around the house, tidy up. Lots of people like to make a new start by selling, getting rid of a lot of stuff - keeps you busy too
8. When you can, start to reach out to more people - get as much support in place as you can
9. Try to do kind things for yourself every day - buy magazine, if you can have pedicure, buy flowers, take walk with friend. I didnt get much benefit to start but eventually I started to feel something positive out of these things

The adrenaline was racing in me for a long time. I found it hard to sleep much.

I played a lot of Farmville on Facebook - busy and something positive

Just concentrate on looking after yourself and kids. DOnt make any decisions if you can for a while - best not when you are very emotional

So sorry for the horrible pain you are going through

Today has been the worst day of my life
DH moved out today. It is all feeling very very real now. I've been trying all day not to cry in front of the DC but since they went to bed the tears won't stop.
I'm so grateful for the supportive messages on here and from friends in RL.
Everybody says that it will all get better in time, I just have to believe that. It won't hurt this bad forever, I'm sure, but My God it's awful just now.

Hi there NPLH, sending love through the ether to you.

I can empathise in a small way - hunt me down on about page 2 of Am I Being Unreasonable if you want to read about my situation.

I cannot imagine how you must be feeling today. Presumably, like life as you knew it has ended.

I sincerely hope that, now he has gone, the pain will gradually lessen. Then the anger will surface.

Treat what you are going through as if it is grief/loss and don't be too hard on yourself. You'll have bad days and worse days, then slowly they'll lessen.

At least that's what people keep telling me. x

So sorry to hear about the rubbish situation you are in. I just wanted to reassure you that you will get through this, no matter how awful it all seems right now. Make sure that you surround yourself with those who care about you over the coming weeks and take one day at a time. You will surprise yourself with the strength that you have to keep going for your dcs, but don't forget to take good care of yourself too.

NPLH, I hope this am is a little easier for you. Please accept as much RL help as possible (my Dsis was wonderful when my DH left me for OW (told me he was staying with mates )). Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to some new clothes and a hair do.

I actually phoned the Samaritans in the early hours as I was so distressed - just needed someone to talk to.

I think you need to realise that the only person your H is listening to atm is the OW and she has her own agenda. So he probably is and will say very hurtful, spiteful things. My DH took his wedding ring off as soon as if left "just so I knew the marriage was over". He went on to do many more things which I didn't think he was capable of. Anyway the upshot was he left OW after 5/6 weeks. Massive mid life crisis on his part along with other stuff and OW couldn't hide her true colours when they were together 24/7. He then went to stay with his mum for the next couple of months and we went to Relate.

Stand firm and don't take any cr*p from him. Pack some more of his stuff up to hand to him then next time you see him, let him know you are moving on with your life IYSWIM. Don't tell him any of your plans eg if you are going out in the evening (act mysterious (sp?) etc. And get legal advice.

Good luck - it was the worse period of my life - lived on rich tea biscuits for weeks (and on diazepam in the beginning).

This happened to my best friend 2 years ago.

It was awful and shocking at the time but she has been hugely happier without her dh.

My best tip would be to get on top of the financial affairs as soon as possible. Her dh successfully hid a huge amount of his assets so that her settlement wasn't a fair one.

My friend went through this about 18 months ago. OW was known to both of them and their ds's. She has just started seeing someone and is happier. He has been ringing her and turning up at her house for the last 12 months asking her back. She won't have him back so he remains with ow.

You will get through this.

Sort the finances out and try to keep busy. Surround yourself with rl friends and family that will support you.

You will learn who your true friends are - try see this as positive but be prepared for some suprises about who will come good and who will not I'm afraid.

What an arse. Basically.

NPLH - it WILL get better - it will take time and the process will be like bereavement (although in some ways worse [not to belittle anyone's bereavement which is obviously in real terms far worse] as he had a friggin' choice which the dead usually don't!!!)

anger, sadness, madness, ranting, raving, hating, loving, wishing thinsg were different, wondering what you did wrong [nothing], blaming yourself, hating him, hating yourself, rabid anger, hating her, tears, numbness etc etc etc - it'll all come, and when you east expect it ime

I had 5 weeks off work with stress when my relationship ended (in less hideously awful circumstances too - at least I knew it was coming), and I am so glad I did - it gave me the scope to just cry when I needed to, alone and in private and rant and rave and go and have coffee with friend setc etc. Please make sure you give yourself that space if you can. Cos if you are anything like most of us you'll be keeping it all together (mostly) when the kids are around. And you need the space to grieve too.

Good luck. You'll get through it you know.

noplacelikehome and RareBird - I am very sorry to hear. I don't know your relationship background but we blokes can be very immature/egotistical. If you can, best to show him that you have move on. Start loving yourself again and preserve/regain dignity. Even if you wish that you had him back you will find that he is more likely to be back begging (at which time you will probably not want him!) if he sees you loving yourself and being dignified again.

So close your eyes and imagine that you are starring in one of those "chips are down movies" and it is fight back time. I hope that doesn't sound like I am trivialising your real suffering but I am trying to convey that you will need to dig deep and not look to him for a solution. Weak men are often attracted to strong women so reasonable chance that they will be back begging when you start to get things back on the road.

Lots of hugs.

So sorry about what you are going through. But you know, there are at least few good sides of it:
1.It is relatively less pain to be ?cut? like this rather then having on and off pain with undecided DH for months or even years
2.You will come out stronger and wiser from this
3.You know it is him, not you, is making a mistake, so everyone will support you through
Get a good glass of wine when you DCs are asleep, invite a friend over and let yourself sob on her shoulder all night ? next morning will be easier, and the next even easier, and it will not go worse than it is now.

I am feeling a lot stronger today. I have never been on my own, I moved out of my parents' house when I was 19 and moved in with DH. It will take some getting used to but it is feeling a bit less scary than it did when he first said he was leaving.
Thankyou all so much for your kind and encouraging messages.
The support I have had on here and from friends and family in RL has helped immensely.
I do believe now that me and the kids will get through this. We will cope
This has been the worst time of my life. Who knows what the future holds? None of us do but today it has started to feel less scary
He is still coming round a couple of times a week to see the kids and we are being amicable with each other.
I'm sure we will face challenging times ahead when the time comes for the OW to meet the kids but we're not ready for that yet so we'll deal with that when it happens.