Self-esteem needed: advice please

[malinkey]

I?ve been lurking for the last few weeks and am amazed at all the wisdom of MNers. I?ve had so many lightbulb moments since I started reading the threads on here.

I think I?ve underestimated the effect my abusive, possibly NPD mother has had on me (and my siblings). Even writing that makes me feel like I?m being over the top as I think we?ve all learned to laugh off her behaviour and I think that a lot of other people have dealt with far worse but since having DS I can?t believe the way she treated us sometimes when we were children.

I have previously been in emotionally abusive relationships which I cannot believe I stayed in for so long. I?ve been unhappy in my marriage for a while and it has slowly dawned on me that I might actually be in another abusive relationship ? though this one isn?t as blatantly obvious as previous ones.

When I met my P he was so different to my exes and seemed to be very kind and caring. I originally came on here to find out what to do about our non-existent sex life ? he is not interested in sex at all and seems quite happy about the fact that we haven?t had sex for three years, but doesn?t seem bothered about how it might affect me.

But he is also quite an angry person. He can snap and talk in a nasty way to me but doesn?t really say anything particularly mean IYSWIM, just the tone of voice that he uses. He does also get angry with other people, including his parents, brother, other drivers on the road, anyone he deems as ?incompetent?. I have (or rather he has) always put this down to ?stress? as he?s not very good at dealing with it. But I?ve begun to think that this is just the way he is. He can also sulks and give me the silent treatment if he doesn?t get his own way.

I?ve got to the stage where I don?t know if I love him any more. I suggested we went to counselling together and he said it wasn?t 'his sort of thing' and seems to be acting as though I never mentioned it. I?m still thinking it might be good for me to go on my own even though I think our relationship is pretty much over.

I?m so impressed with the high level of self-esteem that so many of you have ? often despite having survived difficult backgrounds and/or relationships. So, my question is (actually I have many but this is the main one at the moment!): how can I go about getting some of that self-esteem for myself as I really think that is the reason I've ended up in yet another unbalanced relationship?

I would really welcome some advice if you?ve managed to read this far!

Hi. I could have written at least a third of your post. I've been lurking on here for a couple of days and wrote my first posts yesterday.
I know what you mean about the women on here having great self esteem. Makes you jealous doesn't it?!
My OH is mainly fantastic and in some respects is the kindest man. However, there are times when his tone or behaviour makes me feel like shit.
And as for the lack of sex life, my OH isn't intersted either and it makes me feel so unwanted. (However I am now 32wks pregnant )but he researched ovulation so carefully that I conceived first month (one night!)of trying.

Google "The Gaslight Effect" it might sum up some of your feelings. Sometimes just understanding that its not you can help I think as people like us don't trust our own judgement anymore

Funkycherry, thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear that you are having similar problems - I haven't seen your other posts yet but will go and see if I can find them. Yes, I'm amazed by the levels of self esteem other people on here have and it's made me realise that maybe it's not 'normal' to not be like that IYSWIM!

Congratulations on getting pregnant and hope things are ok for you. We also conceived DS on first attempt but as soon as my OH found out I was pregnant he lost all interest in sex and breast feeding was another no-no for him too. Truthfully, I don't think he's interested in sex at all but this (in his eyes) provided a perfect excuse for him to stop having to try.

I also felt really hurt and unwanted because of this. But after so long, what I have realised is that it is nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. Not that it helps much but I know there is nothing I can do to change him. So it's either lump it or leave as far as I'm concerned.

I just feel really stupid - after being in such rubbish relationships before I really thought I'd cracked it with this one and can't believe I've been hoodwinked by the gaslighting again.

I really want to see if I can improve my self-esteem as I'm sure if it was better I'd never have ended up in this position. And I have no idea how to do this!

"what I have realised is that it is nothing to do with me and everything to do with him"

well, Malinkey with that statement you have already started to rebuild your self-esteem! Well done. You have already started to work out for yourself that his behaviour is not normal and that neither was your mother's treatment of you. That's another step in the right direction.

Don't compare yourself to others, or to us on here! We are all as flawed as you consider yourself to be!

IThere are many great books that might help you get some clarity - maybe "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. Am sure others will suggest more.

Yes, counselling on your own would be a brill idea.

Also,

1. Trust your instincts. I mean really trust them. If something feels wrong it probably is.

2. Trust your feelings....the habit that you learned (to laugh about your mother's mistreatment of you) also taught you to ignore your feelings....your pain, your confusion, your hurt.

3. Think about boundaries....decide what you will and will not accept from others. Start with something small and then implement it.

mumonthenet thank you for your advice. I hadn't realised that my seeing OH's behaviour as his problem meant I was rebuilding my self-esteem, but when you put it like that it makes sense. Though I would say I am probably building my self-esteem as I don't think I had any to start with!

It's hard not to compare yourself to others sometimes but actually when I see the happy relationships that some of my friends have I think it is helpful to see how life can and should be with a partner. But on here people really explain what they won't put up with and this has been a revelation to me as I don't seem to think like that - about myself. If a friend was telling me about their problems then I would have more self-esteem for them if that makes sense? And that's just crazy isn't it? Having DS sort of puts things in perspective too as I wouldn't let him have to deal with stuff that I might previously have put up with for myself.

Trusting my instincts and feelings and thinking about boundaries - yes, yes, yes. These are all things I need to think about. Things have felt wrong at some point in all my abusive relationships and I have ignored these feelings and pushed them to one side. And exes and OH have all overstepped the mark at some point and my boundaries weren't there. Hmm, thank you - lots of food for thought. I am going to look into counselling - is relate a good place to go to even if I'm going on my own?

Funkycherry I can't find your post - was hoping I could read and see if I could spot any similarities. Can you tell me where it is?

malinkey, I'm quite sure that Relate is a good place to start for counselling. No experience but I've heard that joint counselling for couples where one partner is abusing/controlling the other is NOT a good idea.

Also, remember it's easy for us on here to sound like we have all the answers but remember we don't have to deal with all the emotional baggage that you have.

mumonthenet, I don't think that my partner will agree to come to counselling anyway. He's already pretending I never mentioned it but has suddenly started being overly affectionate which I'm finding rather disturbing!

In an ideal world we would go together and he would 'realise' that he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and would change into the perfect non-abusive man.

Obviously this isn't going to happen, but I actually thought if I could persuade him to come with me once it might help him understand how serious I am about things and might help me confirm things in my own head.

I think that I really might benefit from some counselling on my own - even though I think I will find it really hard as I find it very difficult to identify my own feelings sometimes.

Malinkey my other posts have been about random things so not really related to this thread.
Gotta say hun, you're sounding stronger already Good on you!

I think you will find counselling alone the best thing...and helpful to you to learn to identify your feelings.

An important point which you might find helpful...joint counselling where one party is abusing the other (whether emotional, verbal, or physical) does not work because it suggests that the victim is in some way responsible.

Remember when you said you have understood that this is about his behaviour and not yours? This is vitally important and this is why joint counselling is a no-no. You need to understand that there is no way you can "be" to change him, to avoid the snaps, the stress, the silent treatment. The whole thing is his behaviour, his choice, his responsibility. You did not cause it.

I agree with funky, you sound stronger, and you sound like you are starting to understand what's going on. Good luck.