Friends....your opinions

[purplepeony]

Do you ever have friends who you have 2nd thoughts about?

I have a very close friend whom I have known for 30 years. If i was to meet her now, I dodn't know if I'd be so keen on her. She has changed over the years- from a working, independent woman, with her own house, to someone who has a very well paid DH, no kids, she chooses not to work saying she "wouldn't work for just £25K", and she has pretty much turned into a lady who lunches, apart from looking after her elderly mother whom she visits every other day. She constantly complains that she is so busy but it's all with stuff she has taken on- a bit of voluntary work, keep fit,meeting friends, etc . I find it hard to sympathise when she is telling me about the latest drama with her cleaner or whatever.
We get on, and we have a lot of history, but I am finding it hard to stomach her change of lifestyle. They are now going to buy a house overseas as a 2nd home- and no doubt I will be expected to listen to the dramas around that.

We talk at least once week and meet anything from once a month to once very 2 months ( she doesn't live on the doorstep.)

I am not envious of her money - but she is not the persson I used to know.

Anyone else experienced this?

oh yes

people change and move in different directions sometimes

Eurgh, i couldnt even be sat in the same room as someone like this.
But if you only see her once every 2 month, and shes a laugh then dont lose any sleep over it.

People change over time, whether that's friends or relationships. If someone has changed and you have too far in dfferent directions...fling them. Ditto with relationships.

She's just different to you

if you feel she's changed too much just distance yourself

Phew- glad it's not just me .

The thing is- she considers herself very caring and people who meet her want to be her friend. But I know that in caring, she is really filling a gap in her life ( no kids through choice, very dodgy, loveless marriage, and a crazy family life as a child.) So although she helps people out, it's all about what she gets out of it- her need to be needed- and the "power/control" that brings.

I find it hard to keep silent when she justifies not working saying she needs to look after the home ( her DH works overseas and is back once every 2 weeks) and do all the admin for them.

I am working my butt of for less than £25K doing 2 different p/t jobs, and have 2 "adult" kids at home , do all my own cleaning, etc etc.

Rant over. Sorry. Just feeling a bit negative towards her,

Oh yes - I have a few friends like this - They are still my friends but i have distanced myself from them

I had a friend a bit like this. She was always talking about herself; her great job, her new house, her relationship, every time I saw her everything was always 'amazing' and 'perfect'. If I'm honest, I felt envious and started avoiding her because I couldn't stand to have another evening of talking about how great her life was. I just thought we'd grown apart and didn't have the same things in common any more (i.e. a mutual appreciation of HER!) Then her H left her for OW and the truth of the past two years of her relationship came out - it had been horrendous and rather than confide in us, she covered it up and over compensated for being unhappy by talking up her life.

It sounds like your friend is secretly harbouring a bit of an inferiority complex about not working and is probably unhappy in her marriage too. It sounds like she protests too much and I'd wager that she would love a job of her own to give her the validity she feels she's lacking.

Bit of armchair psychology there. Obviously I don't know your friend, but self importance is often self pity in disguise.

Most of my friends are living completely different lives to me. Either SAHMS or childless 'career women'.

I am a working mum and sometimes, in my most frazzled moments, I feel like screaming: 'You don't know how bloody easy you have it, you crazy people!'

But, hey, people have different lives, different stresses. And yes, sometimes friends do drift apart or find they have less in common.

Ask yourself what you first liked about her, and whether any of that remains? Do you enjoy her company at all? Do you have fun together? Only you know whether this friendship has run it's course, but I'd say, don't give up on her just because her life has turned out differently to yours. try to find a way to understand and empathise with her, even if her worries and stresses seem petty when compared to yours. Not unless you really don't like her at all any more.

Last two posts are spot on.

I do like her still but she moves in very different social circles some of the time. She also moves the goal posts with clothes and spending saying that trousers/jeans for £150 are "good value". I am not hard up myself, but I sometimes think she forgets how the other half lives.

Yes, she is very unhappy in her marriage and we discuss this often. yes, she feels people judge her as she doesn't have a job, but they don't need the money so she does plenty of other stuff instead-mainly keeping herself busy as a substitute for a job and kids.

I just have times when her attitude to money comes out, and she is obviously on another planet, and the small dramas in her life ( all self-inflicted in some ways as she likes taking people's problems on) become too much.

I suppose in a nutshell she often doesn't appreciate how well-off she is and how she is lucky to have the time and money to do whatever she wants. I wouldn't swap places with ehr, but her moaning gets onmy nerves as it's very self-centred.

It's all relative though isn't it? I consider myself to be very lucky, I'm priviliged with a great set of friends, plenty of money, nice house, etc... But I'm unhappy despite all that because I have a massive twat for a partner eroding my self esteem.

There is no lonlier place in the world than a shitty relationship. It sounds like she is displacing emotions by creating dramas (she might be bit bored also which can cause depression. Tbh she could probably do with more friends to help her realise her true value and worth instead of that of her jeans.

She sounds like quite a miserable person and yyou sound like a patient (albeit exasperated!) and loving friend.

Having said that, as with all relationships there does come a tipping point in the balance where if you're simply not getting anything out of it at all, then it's time to call it a day.

Just because someone has a certain type of lifestyle doesn't make them a bad person. Just because it you don't like or agree with her lifestyle doesn't make it wrong.

She doesn't critisise you because you have less money.

I personally feel that because someone has money or is able to do more than those that don't doesn't make them bad people. Unless they are just horrible and obnoxious with it.

If you don't feel you can continue the friendship because of these things then don't.

I worked in an office with a girl who earned more than me but always claimed to struggle and I always got dirty looks when I said I had booked a holiday or changed my car or bought something new. Its not my fault that she could not do or buy something and I had to listen to her going on about how short she always was, why couldn't I talk about the things that mattered in my life.

If you feel you have little left in common fair enough.

I don't personally see anything wrong with choosing not to work if you don't have to. She does voluntary work and visits her elderly mother every day, both of which are admirable!

I agree it can be maddening when people lose track of how most people live - it is hard to sympathise when someone talks about how frantic their life is when they are only doing the things the rest of us fit in around a 40-hour week!

Actually she sounds like a nice person. It is frustrating when someone who has more money complains but a bit of Tactful honesty normally solves that. And it does not sound like her life is a bed of roses. Also perhaps she thinks you don;t appreciate how lucky you are in areas of your life (I have no idea just a conjecture). Every single one of us forgets to be thank ful for what we do have and I am the first to admit I can get very envious of others and so feel pissed off when they moan but that is more my problem.

And for whoever said sahm's have an easier time of it. That is just generalising shit of the grass is always greener variety. Some do, some don't same as everyone.

Actually think I may have misinterpreted that about sahms, sorry my own defensiveness on high alert.

I don't see why she should work either if she doesn't need to, but her moaning is insensitive, and you should be more direct and remind her of that.

This kind of insensitivity is quite common in well-off people I think. I had one friend who moaned to me that it was such a burden having a huge house because builders assumed you were rich and tried to rip you off! Only occurred to me later that the perfect response would have been "sell it then and go and live in a small one - like mine, for instance."

I do think it's sad to let a really long friendship go over a bit of moaning, though.

Miss C- maybe we have the same friend as that is what mine said too- though it wasn't so much about the house as the street!

I just get fed up when she moans she has so much to dooooooooooooooo! And it's all around pleasure a lot of the time. None of it is essential- it's things she has taken on then in one of her " do gooding" phases then it all gets too much.

I know she has an elderly mum to look after, but I've got other friends who have the same but they have 3 kids , a dog, a job as well.

Maybe I have to be more outspoken.

Emily, I didn't mean SAHMs have it easy (I was a SAHM for three years!). Just that, once back at work, it brought it's own unique stresses that seemed all consuming. Point I suppose I was trying to make is that when you're in the bubble of your own life, it's easy to think you have it 'hard'. Childless rich couples might seem like petty, frivolous types, but who's to say they don't have their own issues which feel as pressing to them as, say, severe sleep deprivation caused by a 2 yr old waking up in the night (hard to see how, but possible ).