can things change???

[clairebear28]

I have a husband who ive been with for 11 ½ years?married for 4 of them. He is 8 years older then me. I have always been the one to deal with bills, and shopping and housework and just generally taking control of things, everything to moving house and dealing with estate agents and solicitors to booking holidays absolutely everything.

11 years down the line and I feel like I want to be looked after, treated like he would do anything for me, support me, give me hugs when I feel a bit down or upset or if I have a headache and run out of tablets would offer to go out to get some?.just generally look after me. Im not sure if that comes across a bit needy, cos im certainly not that but I work full time, part time in a pub, look after my 5 year old daughter and try to keep house too?.dont get me wrong he is a lovely man, he is a great dad and does help occasionally with house work etc but I usually have to nag for help. Last week I had no car, he has a company van, so instead of getting the shopping we needed he decided to tell me what we had run out of expecting me to get it!!!!!!!!!! We don?t walk down the street holding hands anymore, we rarely spend time together, sex is non existent and when we do eventually do it, its not that great!!!

I feel very unhappy, I feel like Im taken advantage of and when I have said this to him, he says your not, you know I love you. No I don?t know because you don?t show it or tell me, no kisses at the end of text messages, doesn?t say I love you when we finish a phone call, infact I cant remember the last time he told me he loves me.

I met him when I was just 17 and he was 25, I just feel like we have grown apart or I have changed, im not sure which or I guess they are both the same?.i felt like I made the decision to leave him, but I worry about the fact he hasn?t many friends and doesn?t really see his family, im obviously worried about the financial implications and my daughter, she loves her daddy I sit there and watch them and think to myself, no matter how unhappy I feel I cant split them up, I cant send her daddy away??I know that no matter what I say to him, he will not change, nearly 3 months ago he was meant to sort out a bank account, I gave up reminding him until I literally couldn?t not say anything and when I said it he was like oh yeah I forgot ill do it on sat, sat came and went and when I reminded him this morning he said why didn?t you remind me on sat?.because im not your mum!!!!!!!!!

Ive sat and read lots of these messages on here this afternoon and he isnt abusive, he isnt a drunk, he just no longer makes me feel important. I don?t expect him to say 100 times a day I love you, but would be nice to hear it or to be shown it occasionally?..i have been quite run down with all the jobs I am doing and I had a night off from work in the pub (a thurs) and I said something about needing a lie in on the Sunday (would be working late sat night and Friday night) plus mon-fri at my day job, his reply was oh you should be ok by Sunday as your not working the thurs night so can have an early night?.things like that piss me right off?.i go to work Friday night and sat night after working all week and he lays on sette and watches the tv so on the Sunday we tidy together, how is that fair???? He does work, full time but every evening and all weekend he has off.

Sorry this wasn?t meant to turn in to a moan but im just not sure if I can move on, I feel like I should, I wonder if he will ever change, ive spoken to him so many times about it and nothing changes so probably not??he isnt a bad man though, I just know im not happy he doesn?t seem to make me happy anymore

I'm going to risk being flamed here, but have you tried making things a bit more special? A nice surprise meal perhaps, or making a 'come on'.

You say he is not abusive, violent or aggressive. So basically, he's a good man that's got a bit comfortable in his relationship.

So I say, shake things up yourself if you're feeling like it's all gone a bit stale.

Try just for one day to do some nice little things for him, flirt with him, make him his favourite dinner perhaps.

If that doesn't work and he still is unappreciative and doesn't make an effort...then you know for certain that there are issues.

HTH

(Please don't flame me too much MNers!!)

thanks for your reply.

I have tried so many times to shake things up and make an effort i just dont think he will ever change now he is in the rut!!!!

Well I think there's two separate issues here:

• him not doing his fair share of household stuff/organisation

• the fact that things have got stale and he doesn't make the effort to show you affection, tell you he loves you etc.

As regards number 2, Martha's suggestion might help. I also think you should explain to him very clearly that you need more demonstration from him in order to feel loved - it's not enough just to "know he loves you", you need to be TOLD. Explain how down you are feeling and how much of a difference it would make if he gave you more kisses/held your hand/told you he loved you/etc. He may not realise how much of a difference this would make.

As regards number 1: he needs a kick up the *rse, put bluntly. Could you stop doing everything for a bit and see if he picks up the slack if you don't do it? He's just got used to someone else (you) taking care of things if he leaves them long enough.

clairebear what kinds of things have you tried to shake things up?

over the years ive probably tried everything, once dd is in bed making a nice meal, sending dd to my parents and having a nice night out and coming home to empty house, nights away, romantic trips to shows...i send him nice little texts and get no reply, ive tried outfits, you name it ive tried it lol....ive sat him down and told him all the things that make me unhappy, i have tried explaining to him that the little things are big things to me, ive tried not doing housey things but then i end up moaning that ive left it to see if he can do it and he doesnt so we argue......i just feel like he is probably stuck in a rut but he doesnt see there is a problem, whenever i say these things he just thinks im moaning!!!!!

grrrr men eh

my god I could of wrote this thread!!

fishingboat what do you do then? lol

He doesn't see there is a problem, because as far as he is concerned, there isn't one, love You might feel there is (and you're right) but it's that he just thinks that you don't matter. You're a 'woman' and therefore you exist for his benefit, you're not a person.
He's found out that every now and then you start making a whining noise and to reprogramme you and ensure that normal servicing continues, all he has to do is say 'Sorry love, I'll make more of an effort' every now and again (not actually, you know, make the effort), and his comfortable life will continue.

that is exactly it, the way i read your message makes it sound like he is a manipulative person etc and he really isnt a nasty person but your right he just says sorry, ill try harder or i know and i carry on...im not sure how much longer i can do it now though!!!

claire the times when you have tried nice meals, outfits etc what has his reaction been? What does he say and do?

he doesnt really seem to get what im doing, he'll eat the food then switch the tv back on!!! if i say lets go out on a date, he replys why do we need to go on a date were married

hmmmmmm, i kinda know the answer i guess i just dont want to give up on 11 years if there is more i can do i guess

If he doesn't seem to 'get it' I would try being even more provocative. Do something to really knock his socks off...

What was his reaction to the outfits etc? most men I know of would and do react very well to their partners taking the initiative with sex!

Are you happy with your sex life? Is he?

Hope thats not too personal! Just seems a shame to give up on what could essentially be a happy relationship.

in a word our sex life isnt good!!!! the thing is, there is more to it not just the affection but the being a man, you know taking control of things and just generally looking after me an my dd.....that sounds silly and needy and i dont mean it in that way, but every girl wants to be looked after and would be nice if he made a decision on things instead of leaving it to me all the time

No I hear you claire...there's nothing wrong with wanting some support from your man and to be made to feel special. He should be doing that.

I'm going to ask an honest question now: do you want the marriage to work? Or do you want to move on?

If the answer is a) then there are things you can try.

I am getting the sense that perhaps the answer is not a) however?

(I may be utterly wrong on that though. After all, I don't know you and all I have to go on are words on a screen).

i think thats because i mentally made a decision a few weeks back to tell him i dont want to be with him anymore....but this weekend we had such a lovely time all together that i worry im making a big decision and spliting my family up when we can get along well.....i do feel tho for 4 years i have been trying, ive been making an effort and getting nothing in return and i at my limit now.

Well, the main thing to focus on now is deciding for certain about whether you want to leave. That kind of emotional limbo, not being sure, must be very hard on you. No wonder you're emotionally exhausted.

But take your time deciding. Weigh up all the factors and finally, do what you think is right and best, for you and your DD.

Until you know whether you want to carry on, it's probably not worthwhile to talk about trying to change the relationship.

But by this I don't mean stop talking about it. Just that you need to decide for certain whether you're in or out...

I have to log off now and go tend to my DD (nap-time is over it seems!) but hopefully some other (wiser) MNers will be on soon.

I'll check back later though...

bump

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

You're in a pattern here clairebear.
Things drift along, you try to get attention, it doesn't work, you then have 'the argument', which has little real effect, things drift along...ad infinitum.

Forget all of that. Forget trying to get his attention. He is a self-absorbed arse. And I speak from experience.

Start living life for you.
Get your hair done, facial, new dress, go out with your friends, at least twice a month.

Enjoy your life.
Stop being a household appliance.
Be your self, do you know who that is? You're not 17, you're a woman in her prime who should be confident in who she is.
You are not a background irritation or an appendage to some bloke.

Summer's just around the corner. Go enjoy it! Have a laugh (have a flirt!) be alive and if anything will make you get noticed, the change in you will do so.

I could have written your OP last year.
Since I stopped drudging around and begging for attention, somehow I'm more alluring to DH. Life's strange sometimes.

mathaLovesMatthew your right, i do need to decide what i actually want....i just want to be happy and i am extremely confused as to how to achieve that right now....they say the grass isnt always greener?!?!!? life can be very scary at times!!

arsesandoldlace your right im not 17 anymore, i dont feel like i am myself around him, at 28 the things i say or do he replies and says, what you saying that for or ill go to say something and will stop myself cos in know he'll question it.

I have started living my life for me, going out with friends, making an effort, doing my hair more etc and the last time i did it he cccused me of cheating on him!!!!!!! i feel like i cant win....

obviously for me to be on here posting means i dont just want to give up on the last 11 years and my marriage but on the other hand there is only so much i can do to make it work...it feels very one sided!!!

Hmm. Good to hear you've already started picking up your own life, Claire. I feel it'll be the saving of you yet!

You have done everything you "should" do and, as arses points out, doing more of the same will only get you more of the same. So how about trying a different mindset? You already do pretty much everything, so there's hardly any difference between your life, now, and your life as a potential single mum. Can you manage to just sort of forget about him for a while (much as he forgets about you, perhaps ...) and live just for YOU and DD? I realise you have very little time to yourself, but see if you can squeeze in a bit more 'you' stuff - maybe take DD for trips out just the two of you, invite a girl friend round for a pizza & DVD night - and get a bloody taxi with the shopping!

He might look up from the sofa one day, and go: "Wow! Who is that beautiful, confident, interesting and independent woman?" Or, with any luck, he'll fade away into the distance & you won't even notice.

Claire

Can I ask you, have you said to him that you are considering separation?

It seems to me that he has not understood how strongly you feel. And maybe he needs to hear that you are considering leaving, to get that across.

hi again claire

Here's a question for you: If you could manage to resurrect a little of what you and your DH must have had in the past (I'm assuming the relationship was once happy and functional) would you then want to stay with him?

If you're undecided about leaving, it may be helpful to list all the reasons to stay as well as all the reasons not to. Maybe try to think of all the reasons you fell in love with him, all the nice things he has done for you in the past. Even little things count.

Weigh that up against the negatives.

That might give you some indication of how you really feel about it all.

You said life is scary...it certainly is. Seperation and divorce is obviously a last resort for any (non-abusive) relationship.

But I'm sure you will come to the right decision, with a bit of time.

Thing is, while claire's pretty much a single mum now (doing everything while he sits on his lazy arse and ignores her), she would be much better off without him as there would be one less person in the house who she has to feed and pick up the skiddy pants of and he would have to contribute a percentage of his income.
Though I do agree it's worth sitting down and working out what he actually does contribute to the household before telling him to go - is he, for instance, a good enough shag or amusing enough company to justify keeping him as a kind of pet?

I think Martha's advice is way off (won't flame though, promise!)

If you treat someone crappily, and they just run round after you like a puppy even more, trying to attract you and make you want them... why bother to change? You already have everything. Trying to seduce your partner out of bad behaviour is a mistake.

He obviously isn't arsed, and I personally think it's a waste of a life being with someone like that.

wow i wasnt expecting to come back on here at work this morning and see all these messages thank you for taking the time to reply.

itsgraceagain i try the whole ill live my life my way and you can just fit in and hope he will see a change but it seems to make not difference and then i slip back in to doing things for him!!

minipie yeah back in november something happened and he moved out for a few days, when he was begging to come back i told him i wasnt sure i loved him and told him everything about how i was feeling and he was like we can make it work, ill make more of an effort etc but nothing has changed!!

Hey Martha!!! i feel a bit like there was something between us, something special to have been together for 11 years and maybe it is my fault the way he is because i enjoyed playing wifey and doing nice things for him but now its not just us i would expect him to help and make more of an effort!

SGB - your right, when i do pretty much everything anyway he would have to be good at something to keep him here, and sadly he isnt lol

Secunda - what you have just put is exactly how i feel at the moment, i know deep down he loves me, i know he is a lovely man etc etc, wouldnt physically hurt me but is happy to leave me to do everthing so whats the point!!!!!! there could be someone out there with all the nice qualities but who would help me with things etc,

Wow soooo confusing!!!!