relationship with my mother....

[AliGrylls]

I need serious advice about my relationship with my mother.

She has always been a really dominant and, what I would describe, as pretty dogmatic woman (although at heart she really means well). I always put up with it until recently when I had DS (now 11 1/2 months) I decided I needed to be more assertive with her because it would not be good for my relationship with DS - I figure how could he respect a mother who could not even stand up to her own mother.

Anyway, the past year has been a trial in our relationship. First of all I had to tell her to butt out when she was telling me what I should be doing with him and more recently it has felt as though she has been avoiding me / doesn't actually want to see me or him.

Fast forward to now: She hasn't seen him on his own for approx 2 months and has said I should separate myself from him because he is getting separation anxiety (I feel he cries because he doesn't know her well enough); She booked to go away for the weekend of DS' birthday (in isolation I could understand); She was meant to be babysitting him tomorrow but has blown me out for about the millionth time for my sister (in sister's defence she needs more help than I do as she has twins); she has now booked a week for us to go away to Cornwall without agreeing the location first. I told her this evening it was a really long way and I was thinking of going by train / plane to Newquay and she really laid into me and told me I was spoiling DS (I will also be nearly 6 months pregnant at time of travelling).

I am really struggling to deal with her and am on the verge of giving up trying to be adult and reverting to my old techniques of ducking issues just for an easy life.

Really, I need some advice on how to deal with her. I must be doing something wrong otherwise it would not be so hard.

Sorry, didn't realise how long it was.

I think your mother thinks she is The Mother. She needs standing up to and taking down a peg or two. She won't like it. But she has to agree to a relationship with your on your terms - she has to allow you to determine where and how you will go on holiday.

If this is something that she is not prepared to consider, then you may need to look at limiting the amount of power you allow her to have over you.

And never rely on her for anything - she will only use it to prove to you how powerful she is.

And don't worry I have posted flippin novels on mnet!

Mine reacts unpredictably to my detachment. Sometimes she'll become genuinely lovely & helpful; other times she'll turn into blotchy-screeching-spitting-crying-monster-witch. There's no telling. Those who excise their parents from thheir lives are perfectly within their rights, and have good reason even though no reason is necessary.

If you don't want to simply - maybe gently & subtly - drop her, then your sanest option is to be permanently and perfectly (near as possible) Adult in your transactions with her. That will, undoubtedly, piss her off. On the up side, you'll be preectly confident that you were at all times reasonable, sane and respectful ... which would be more than we can say for our mothers, eh?

Don't assume you're doing anything wrong. The world's well populated with nutters and, sympathetic as one may be about the factors that led them to their craziness (I am!) ... it is their choice to stay crazy.

Summary: your mum doesn't actually know how to be a good mum, because she's bonkers. It's not your fault - although she must have done some things right, since you are clearly sound & lovely. Acknowledge that, if you like; treat her reasonably; back away gently when she goes doolally. It's either that or dump her!

The hardest thing is to stop "trying", isn't it? Believe me when I tell you what you already know: you've already tried hard enough. It is impossible to grant your own parent the childhood they should have enjoyed. It's sad; be gentle if you must, but don't sacrifice yourself any more.

• preectly = perfectly. Browser throwing fits! Sorry for other spellos, too.

That is really nice of you to say Grace. I really appreciate the advice.