Fed up with ex - need a rant

[mammya]

I am so fed up and angry and upset with my ex. Things had been going OK, well sort of. He was taking dd every other week-end for the whole week-end, which is not enough IMO but still I realise much better than many single mothers get.

However in the past few weeks he has started having her only for the saturdays, every saturday, as he says he's broke and need to work on saturday nights. So far, I hear you say, so what? Well there's what: this week-end just gone he didn't have dd because he went to Scotland for 5 days for some social event. So I asked him if he could take dd for the whole week-end next week, also because he's not having her the following week. He refuses, saying he needs to work to get the money. Well, IMO, if he can afford to go to Scotland for 5 days, he can't be THAT broke. To me that really shows that dd is not his first priority and that really p*es me off, especially as he insists that she is(his first priority that is).

Also the reason he's so broke, is that he's been ignoring all the letters the CSA have been sending him (I'm on benefits so have to go through them)despite my warnings not to do that, and now they're taking lots of money directly from his salary. Well that's what he says anyway, he says they've been deducting money from his pay since March, but they've told me they only started this month. I don't know whether he's telling the truth and the CSA have made a mistake, in which case I think he'd better get on their case to find out where his money is going, or whether the CSA are right and he's lying .

I think he's trying to punish me for "shopping him to the CSA and going behind his back" even though I didn't have a choice about the CSA being involved and anyway didn't go behind his back as I told him when they got in touch with me.

Also I've asked him to make arrangements to have dd for a week so I can have a break as I haven't had a proper break without dd for more than 18 months and really need one, and also so he can see what it's like to look after her 24/7 as he's got no idea. She's been really asking for him as well and for the past couple of days saying things like "no mummy cuddle, daddy cuddle" which doesn't help how I'm feeling. Needless to say, I still don't know if he's going to make such arrangements.

To top it all my period's started and I've got a terrible cold and I'm completely broke.

I could add more gripes against my ex but I think that will do for now...

Sorry if that didn't all make sense but I really needed to get it off my chest. Thanks to those who managed to read this far! I feel better already.

I do sympathise - is your Child Support worked out on the number of nights he has your daughter - if so tell him you are going to shop him and they will take even more of his money.

I would ring the CSA and clarify when they started taking the money - you could be inline for getting a few weeks that you had not bargained on if they have made a mistake.

Do you not have any family that can help out with giving you a break every so often??

sympathies Mammya, I think you've probably put up with a lot of stuff for ages now and it's all starting to get to you. I agree - if he can't afford to not work, but can afford to go on a small holiday (no matter how cheap - it's the time not the money) then he is not prioritising. In his defense I do think people need a break now and then, and there should be no problem with him going away, but not if he's sacrificing his time with his DD to do it. He's probably annoyed about the CSA issue - but should not take that out on his DD. Imagine how she'd feel in a few years time if she knew her father was begrudging the money he "had" to give for her keep.

Don't let her asking for her daddy make you feel worse - hard I know but apparently it's only children who are confident of their parents love can reject themn in that manner - if she wasn't so sure you loved her she wouldn't do it. And we all know how manipulative they can be at that age Still it breaks my heart when my ds does it to me, little ungrateful troublemaker

Try and take some time for yourself - cheap things - long bath, good book from the library with a nice glass of wine, have some good friends over to dinner so you can b*tch about your ex - it will work wonders.

Thanks for your sympathy, Boe.
I didn't even know the child support could vary depending on how many nights he had dd...
Things may be different for me though as I'm on benefits. Also I have called the CSA 3 times now to try and clarify the whole thing, and everytime they've told me the same thing.
Unfortunately I don't have any family here, they're all in France, Germany and Japan. And when I visit it's with dd, so it's not really a break for me IYKWIM.

thanks for your message eefs, you're right, it's all getting to me now. I agree with you that everyone needs a break, and I'd never dream of stopping him, but I need a break too. Also he's not really begrudging the money he's giving me to support dd, he was helping before the csa got involved, he just doesn't like them being involved at all, but I'm afraid as long as I'm on benefit it can't be helped. Am thinking of coming off though as I don't like being so dependent, but this is another kettle of fish altogether...

Here we go again. This time I've had enough. Sorry this is very long.

Last Saturday X had dd for the day after we (dd and I) had been away for 2 weeks. Just before I picked her up I phoned him to let him know I'd be there on time as agreed. He called me rude and hung up on me because I didn't tell him how I'd manage to be on time. I swear this is true! And I swear I wasn't rude either! Why would I be? Then when I arrived at his place, he made me wait outside with the door closed, then shoved dd at me. I tried talking to him and he just grabbed dd, who was in the doorway, roughly put her down outside, and shut the door in my face, all without a word. Poor dd was ever so upset, usually when we leave there's much kissing and waving and saying bye etc. She kept asking me why daddy was cross, and why I was crying (which I was, I was so angry and upset). I phoned him and just left a message on his answerphone that this was the last time he'd seen his dd. Didn't mean it really but was soooo angry.

I'm fed up with being treated like this, don't like it but could bear it for dd's sake. However this time dd got treated v. badly too and got upset, and this I can't accept. I know X will not call or make any attempt to see dd again as this sort of thing has happened before.

IN fact there is a pattern, everytime he has made a commitment to look after dd that he wants to get out off, he does that sort of thing: he can't admit, even to himself I think, that he can't cope with/be bothered to look after dd more than the strict minimum, so he creates a situation where he can say "it's your fault, you're such a bad person" . The reason the whole thing happened, IMO, was that he was supposed to have dd all this week, which would have been really good for all of us. It had been agreed ages ago, but I could see it coming really, as before we went away he started going back on what we'd agreed, saying he couldn't have her from the Friday night as agreed, that it would have to be from the Sunday.

I am now really really fed up, don't want to call him or to have anything to do with him ever again. However I feel that it's unfair on my dd, who needs her daddy and has been asking where her daddy is. I know if I don't make contact he won't, he'd rather his dd suffers than make the first step, but I don't want to as I'm sooo angry with him and I think he's really gone overboard this time and I worry that things like that will happen again and dd will end up really hurt. I'm angry because he treated us this way, because he can't see that he's harming dd more than anyone else, because he doesn't really want to spend time with her (for all his protestations that he loves her etc).

I don't know how to handle the situation really, and would welcome comments and advice from all of you. And thank you for reading all of this.

And I bet he doesn't lose sleep over it, whereas I do... I've been awake for ages, unable to sleep because of mulling it over again and again.

This looks like it's going to be my own personal thread. Please guys, give me some feedback, I'm starting to despair as my posts rarely seem to get answers. Am starting to wonder whether to take it personally?

Oh mammaya, please don't take it personally. I have no real advice but I do have sympathy .

Hugs
WSM x

Mammya don't take it personally. I think a lot of us have been in this position at some point on Mumsnet.

I'm afraid I don't have much advice about this kind of situation, just sympathy. Have you got anybody you can discuss this with - you know like a shoulder to cry on. I think you do sound quite alone in all this.

The other thing is that while I totally understand your reaction and the message you left on his answerphone from the rest of your posts it does sound like it was heat of the moment. Do you think there's a possibility of getting somebody to look after your DD while you discuss the situation between you because I agree with you that it is completely unaccpetable of him to treat your DD like that and you like that in front of her.

Sorry hope someone else can help more.

I don't have any advice but I too have lots of sympathy for both you and dd.

It was a horrid thing for him to do just putting her outside his door then closing it! I too would be very angry and hurt on behalf of my dd for being treated like this.

I'm a straightforward person and would just have a face to face conversation with him where I asked all the questions that bothered me ie do you find it difficult having dd here? If so would it help if she came more frequently but stayed for a shorter length of time?

As I said I have no real advice but surley you need to sort out his irratic behaviour towards you and dd befor she can return?

how old is your DD mammya? perhaps if he really can't be arsed and would use you not talking to him as an excuse to cut his ties from her it would be better long term for her not to see him.

Other than that arrange a third person to pick up drop off for you both so that your actual contact with each other is kept to a minimum and DD doesn't have to see the nastiness he creates?

Mammya, I agree with Spikeycat: you need a third person to drop off and collect your daughter. Perhaps a friend or a relative. Or perhaps arrange to meet him in a neutral public place such as a coffee bar or a park.

I think it might be in your interests to get advise from CAB, or a soliciter re: exactly where you stand and if you could get any practical help or even look to some form of mediation. This is really hard. I do feel for you. The idea that everyone is reasonable in this situation is such a myth. I think that perhaps you need a third party involved as this situation seems unlikely to be resolved amicably and your daughter does not need, as you are very much aware of, to be messed around like this. You all need to know when she is going to her fathers and more importantly that agreements will be kept. It is better if this can be maintained informally but sometimes it is just not possible.

Did you get/are you having a break of any kind?
I do hope so.
Best wishes, Winniex

Thanks to you all for replying, I was getting really upset...

The idea of a third person is a good one, only one that would not be easy to put in practice. I have no family in this country, and can't really think of any friend who I could ask this sort of help from, not that I don't have any friends, just that I don't think their commitments would allow them to do that. X's family (his mother and sister) live on the other side of London and don't drive, so would not be much help.

My dd is 2 and a half, and I almost agree with Spikeycat that it might be better for dd not to see him again. In fact my position at the moment is that I will not try to contact him and I know he will not either, as he thinks everything is all my fault and he has done nothing wrong (it was like that in our relationship already, and one of the reasons I chucked him out).

I woudl love to be able to discuss the situation with him as I think it's needed but from past experience I don't think it's going to help at all, mainly for the reasons I describe above: I am sure that he feels entirely justified in acting the way he did as it was in response to what he perceives as my rudeness. To give you an example of this attitude of his, when we were still together, he hit me once in the middle of a nightfeed because he said I pulled the duvet from him, and as far as he was concerned it was my fault for pulling the duvet, he didn't see anything wrong with his reaction.

I will try to get some legal advice, although I don't really see that it will help...

Mammya it does feel like you are in a tough situation with very little support. I think leaving it as you are for the time being to get a bit of breathing space is probably a good idea. However it doesn't alter the fact that you have very little respite/support from being your DD's 100% carer and that must be hard for you. Not sure what to suggest regarding this though.

isn't there any family mediation services that may be able to help (i'm totally in the dark about this and could be talking crap), but maybe with someones help (social services) you could leave dd at a destination with a nominated rep and he pick her up??

I think you have done your best however to maintain the contact and if he cant act towards you in a resonable manner in front of dd then I would cut your losses, go for sole custody and forget him?

mammya, frankly, he sounds like a monster. Honestly. A truly horrible person. You are so well rid of him, so congratulations on having the courage to throw him out. Hitting you when you were feeding your daughter... the idea made my blood run cold. It is such a difficult situation because your dd loves her dad, even though he is so nasty. I think you have been absolutely heroic trying to foster contact despite his behaviour and attitude. There is a lot of evidence that children suffer if they don't see one parent if they think it is their fault that they have been rejected -ie that they aren't loveable/good enough, so I think you keep having to tell your daughter that she is wonderful, clever, loveable and perfect and that you and daddy both think so - but as for actual contact, I can't imagine she'd benefit from having him as a role model...
I might suggest you call Gingerbread or the National Council for One Parent families who will give you support in this situation and may be able to offer some kind of counselling or mediation or just suggest ways to handle the situation.
You have behaved impeccably and clearly put everyone's interests ahead of your own. I think maybe you should write as calm a letter as you can manage to your ex, outlining what you've told us, that you had no choice but to involve the CSA because you are on benefits and they know who he is because his name is on the birth certificate etc, that it upset both you and your daughter when he dumped her on the doorstep, and that you won't have that happen again, that you have always encouraged contact and will permit it in future for the sake of your daughter, but he has to be civil to you and keep his promises.

Thanks all for your kind words, it means so much to me.
Aloha, that's a good idea, I will try writing him a letter (when I feel a bit calmer...)
As for having a respite, dd has been offered a place at a playgroup from the week after next, 2 mornings a week. It's only 2&1/2h every time but better than nothing...

I was outraged on your behalf when I read the bit about him hitting you whilst you were feeding your dd. You are a brave person to have thrown the brute out! In doing so you have set an example to your dd that she should not tolerate violent behaviour in any relationship. I'd carry on with this example by not allowing him access to your dd, if he were to get another girlfriend would he hit her infront of dd?

Mammya - thats good news about the playgroup. Make sure you spend at least some of the time on yourself and not just catching up on chores. I know how hard I have found it when DH has been away for a couple of nights let alone coping on my own all the time.

Also like Aloha's idea of a letter - so much easier to make sure you've included everything and expressed it all clearly and, best of all, he can't interupt!

Mammya, he sounds exactly like my ex. If I am right, nothing good will come of your dd's involvement with him, but your hands are tied as you can't help wanting to give the father/daughter relationship a chance, for you dd's sake. In my case it took 10 years for him to do something so awful that even a court would not grant him parental responsibility or any contact except very restricted letters. But at least my dds know that I did not keep him away from them out of spite or bitterness. Instead I have to deal with my daughter's depression and watch someone I have loved and cared for endure the unhappiness of an abused child.

This situation is a b***d of a one to be in, you have all my sympathy. The only advice I can give you is to keep to your own principles and never stoop to his level. This paid dividends for me when we did end up in court as he could not accuse me of a single act of unfairness, I found the CAFCASS and the courts were very ready to believe me and not him.

In the meantime try not to be hurt by his behaviour, develop the attitude that he means nothing to you and is someone you just have to endure for your daughter's sake. Keep cool for her and try to keep the contact with him to a minimum.

I always trusted in the fact that my ex would make his own karma, and that in fact has come true. But it has not protected my dd.

You have my thoughts and support. I always say that if my ex did anything for me he taught me to work like a Trojan and how to be a very stong woman.

I agree with aloha about the letter - was going to suggest that 'till i saw she already had. yo have been very heroic putting your DD first.

I can't offer much help as I havn't been in your shoes - but you do have my thoughts. Reading your posts bought a lump to my throat. Janstar, sounds like you've been through a lot as well
My admiration and thoughts with oyu both

Again, thanks everyone for your replies. I'm not feeling so upset anymore, still very angry, but also happy and elated (and dd must have picked up on this as she's been lovely, no tantrums, lots of kisses), I think because of your support and because I have made up my mind not to chase him for contact with dd and so being rid of him as I'm sure he won't call. I will write him a letter though, but not right now, when I am a bit less angry.

Janstar, I'm sorry you had to go through this, it sounds like you had a terrible time. I hope it won't ever get that bad with my X but only time will tell. I've been thinking about parental responsibility in fact. When things were going OK, way back at the begining of this year (seems like years ago) we'd agreed that he would apply for parental responsibility. It just shows how committed he is that he could never be arsed to do anything about it. Now though, after what happened, I will oppose his application for parental responsibility if he ever gets round to doing it. I think I can do that, can't I? And then it goes to court? What's CAFCASS by the way?

As for the hiting me while I was feeding, I know it's awful, but it took even more than this for me to throw him out, about 6 months later. At the time I left but came back as I really, really didn't want to be a single mum. In retrospect I shouldn't have come back, as things didn't get any better, but hindsight etc...