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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Suspected infidelity

23 replies

BottleOfRum · 24/05/2010 14:57

How would you react if you suspected infidelity but had no proof whatsoever?

DP went out on sat afternoon to watch football, and didnt come home til 8am sunday morning, I got no text or phonecall to explain he would be out late, he just never came home. I sent many texts and rang him many times, was so worried about him, this is v unlike him.

He's claiming he was so drunk and passed out a friends house, but his story doesn't add up, and he has changed his story many times already when I've questionned him.

So.... I have no proof of him cheating, the only thing I know is that he stayed out all night and he's lying to me about where he was.

What would your initial thoughts be, and how would you deal with it?

OP posts:

Original poster

BottleOfRum · 24/05/2010 15:54

bump?

OP posts:

BafanaBafana · 24/05/2010 15:56

Stay calm, and just do not let it drop. Be honest and firm - say 'you went out all night, you didn't contact me, your story doesnt add up, you are lying' on repeat until he gets the message that you will not be able to let it drop until he is honest with you.

FlightyButPolite · 24/05/2010 16:01

I'm afraid I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom for you, but please stay strong and wait for those who are so knowledgeable to come and comment.

Has he given any plausible explanations at all?

FlightyButPolite · 24/05/2010 16:02

Have you tried calling the friend on whose floor he 'passed out'?

SueMunch · 24/05/2010 16:03

Sorry but I don't think it adds up either.

Has he explained why he didn't answer his phone?

What kind of relationship do you have with his friend. I'd go round and have a word - see if his story checks out - just an idea.

Original poster

BottleOfRum · 24/05/2010 16:07

I've never met this 'friend', I've never heard of him before, and this person does not exist on facebook. My dp does not have this 'friends' number... said it was more a 'friend of a friend' that he didn't know too well.

No plausible explanations given at all, just that he fell asleep and didnt get the messages. His phone is a bit broke and doesnt make any sound, so he wouldnt have heard calls/messages if he was asleep (but my instincits tell me he wasn't asleep. my instincts tell me he was awake, and saw them, but thought that claiming to be asleep at a friends would be preferable to telling me whatever the truth is).

I don't think I'll ever find out if he was unfaithful - only he knows and he would deny it to his deathbed, he has too much to lose. So what then.... would you end your relationship if you suspected your partner may have been unfaithful, and is DEFINITLY lying to you (only once though), or would you wait for it to re-occur?

OP posts:

whatwasthatagain · 24/05/2010 16:07

If my DH did not come home and I could not get through on his mobile I would report him missing to the police. Check with the friend.

WombFrootShoot · 24/05/2010 16:12

Hi BOR.

My XH used to stay out all night, on average, about once every three months. He always told me it was because he got so drunk he slept on a friends sofa, but admitted - years later - that...nah, he'd been sleeping with women he'd picked up.

Now, I'm not saying that this is definitely the case in your situation; but if you don't wish to spend another 5 years having the same circular arguments, where he says sorry, and then does it again, I would be putting my foot down so firmly that he never EVER treats you with such disrespect again. Because that's really what we're talking about here...the fucking NERVE of the man (oh, wait I think I might be projecting a bit here - but what the Hell!)

BTW, do you live together and are there children involved?

I would be having a conversation along the lines of

Why did you not contact me to let me know ehere you were? I was very worried and this is grossly unfair of you
Do you think getting so outrageously pissed that you lose your ability to use a telephone is acceptable?
Why should I believe you? Would you believe me?
If you pull this shit ever again I will leave/ask you to leave. (I would actually kick the man out, but this is down to the awful experiences in my past - don't mind me.)

Nip this in the bud NOW.

AnyFucker · 24/05/2010 16:25

well, I am not projecting, because this has never happened to me, but I agree with every word that WFS says

Andy1964 · 24/05/2010 16:34

Affair or no affair.

NOBODY has the right to go out one night and not return home till the following morning without fair warning.
At least not when you are in a relationship.

I wouldn't do it to my DW but I do know of another DH that does it. She just accepts it and gets on with it.

Original poster

BottleOfRum · 24/05/2010 16:39

WFS Yes we live together, yes there are children (mine, not his). Your reply was sort of what I was expecting I suppose... I feel like I'm being told the bare minimum that he has to admit to, and each time I find something else out, his story changes.

But I don't want to kick him out as I have no proof of infidelity, and we have had a long, happy relationship where I have never had reason to doubt him before.

I feel a bit like I don't want to keep pushing him with his story, because if he has been unfaithful as a drunken mistake, it would be agonising to end it all.

But I'll talk to him about it tonight (apart from questionning him on his story when he got in, we've not spoken), and say the things you said. Particularly about him leaving if it happens again.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom as always, its much appreciated.

OP posts:

purplepeony · 24/05/2010 16:48

If a partner of mine disappeared overnight without any reason Iwould have called the police.

Why didn't you?

Have you told him that you could have easily done so?

At least it was very irresponsible of him, at worst he is lying.

Maybe there was no other woman- maybe he just got into something that he doesn't want to admit- it doesn't always have to be women!

I'd keep questioning him til he cracks!

TheChicOfIt · 24/05/2010 16:58

If you knew for an absolute fact (ie he admitted it), would you definitely leave him?

When I was about 20 my boyfriend was meant to be staying the night at my flat, and I waited and waited but he never turned up.

He arrived at my flat at 8.30am the next morning wearing the clothes he had been in the night before and swore blind that he had slept on a park bench (it was November ).

Eventually he admitted that he had gone home with a girl, but begged for forgiveness and promised it would never ever happen again.....needless to say we did not stay together.....

I know how you feel - it is a shit, shit feeling.

Is there any way you could get proof of anything?

AnyFucker · 24/05/2010 17:12

well, I am getting the feeling now that you don't want to know what he was doing

look at this way...if you found out he was with a woman, what would you do ?

you need to be prepared for that

if you would forgive him, and stay together...do you really need to know ? (I am not advocating that, btw < said with gritted teeth > but some women could overlook it)

looking for "proof" might just send you crazy, tbh

I think you have some tough thinking to do...what a shame he isn't a good enough guy to tell you the truth and assist you in that

CheekyPinkSox · 24/05/2010 17:27

I would confront him till he cracked. tell him all the flaws in his story and that you dont believe him. Ask him would he believe you if you was to do that? Let us know what happens?

bubble1 · 24/05/2010 22:08

you have no proof, you say, but your gut feeling is telling you somethings not right here...follow that feeling..i did and it led me to the truth.
men will lie, lie and lie again to get themselves out of the shit. if you dont believe him keep digging for more info...do not let this drop or he will think hes got one over on you.

moviegirl · 24/05/2010 22:32

keep up the conversation - that is vital - otherwise it will just bottle up inside you and then the resentment will come out.

Gee, my guy did a flit for 5 days and I wasnt allowed any contact, emails or phone calls. he stil swears there was no one else - just him on a bender and having a midlife crisis but hey ho we are getting divorced now and i am sad

really miss male company at night - that is what i miss most of all

2 elderly parents and a nine year old just aint the same

Hugs to you - hope it works out for you

CelticBanshee · 25/05/2010 00:05

I'd also ask him if he thinks you should be making a visit to the local GUM clinic.

If my OH did the same and I KNEW he was lying, I wouldn't give a shit if he was laid out on cocaine or shagging another girl - he'd be gone, I don't do lies.

Original poster

BottleOfRum · 25/05/2010 09:46

Hi all,

I spoke to him last night. He denied it til he was blue in the face, and is sticking to his story (the one that has changed a hundred times, and that I know is a lie). He's swearing on just about anything that he hasn't done anything wrong etc.

I know he's lying to me, and I can see his tactic is "She can't prove anything, I'll lie til my deathbad if I have to", as he doesnt want me to leave.

AF - If I knew for sure he had cheated... would would I do?? Its difficult, I'd always said to myself infidelity is unforgiveable, but now I'm facing it, I'd be tempted to say there are different types. Someone who cheats for the hell of it is different (to me, at least) than someone who got drunk and made a mistake they are regretting forever. Yes, you're right, it would be nice if he were good enough to tell me the truth, and he isn't. That hurts. I can't look at him the same way knowing he can see me hurting like this, and thinks making me believe a lie is preferable to owning up to the truth.

We've left it as I don't believe him, and never will. So we're having a relationship on a very unstable foundation, with no trust, and I've told him relationships like that fall apart easily, and that one with honesty (even if being honest was painful) was better. But for now, I'm just going to have to try and get over this.

Thank you so much for all your kind words, and all your advice. I'm sorry if the decision I have taken has left anyone frustrated and if you would do it differently - I will let you all tell me "I told you so" if it all goes horribly wrong again!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 25/05/2010 09:55

don't apologise to us !

Only you are in that situation

If you have spoken to him that plainly, and made it clear you could possibly forgive a drunken mistake, I think he is an absolute twat to not tell you the truth

you are right...your r'ship is now on very shaky ground and I hope you will make it very, very clear that if he gives you cause for concern again, ever, it is over for you

don't forget...you don't need proof of anything

and you can change your mind at any time

a lack of trust and irretrievable breakdown is as good a reason as any to give up on him

good luck x

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/05/2010 10:26

Ah OP, I think you're absolutely right when you say that the relationship will be damaged by this. You'll always feel he tried to have you over - and he'll always think he has. If he genuinely had nothing to hide, he'd be bringing the previously unknown friend around to meet you so that this man could put your mind at rest.

It's no real comfort, but he's obviously not a particularly accomplished liar if he can't remember what he said before and the story keeps changing, so he will slip up at some point.

I assume you'll be checking his phone, E mails and FB account for any communication with whoever he was with the other night?

Really sorry for you, but completely understand your frustration and your need for certainty before ending the relationship. Trust is slowly gained, but quickly lost.

loves2walk · 25/05/2010 11:04

I hope you can regain that trust and not be eaten away by this.

I also suspect my H has been unfaithful but in the absence of any evidence or any confession, I just feel it isn't enough to end a relationship. I know others disagree with this.

BUT regaining trust without the openness is so, so hard. I feel like my H is wanting back in and I'm not letting him back in to the warm, cosy, fun place that was us prior to all this.

I don't get why in your situation (and mine) the guy doesn't do some private thinking without the defensiveness, and realise that a confession might not lead to an ending of the relationship, but might be a brave way of addressing a problem and boosting a relationship. Maybe I'm wrwong, but I'm sure if I had made a big mistake like being unfaithful and it was causing someone else pain, I would have to be honest and tell them the truth.

WombFrootShoot · 25/05/2010 11:12

Oh BOR - You know it's possible that he hasn't cheated don't you?

I think, what I was trying to say in my post earlier on in the thread, was that it's not really just about that. It's not really just about him possibly having been unfaithful. IMO it's about the fundamental lack of respect that his behaviour has displayed.

I really feel for you. I've been where you are, and I really hope that you take to heart what I have said about not standing for this sort of behaviour again. It chips away at you, waiting up all night, worrying about your OH. Until one day, you don't actually give a shit where he is.

I wish you the absolute best of luck, and please don't hesitate to post again, whatever it might be about (I don't think we're a bunch of "I told you so's!"

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