men who move very fast in relationships - are they bad news?? and why?

[superv1xen]

i have come across a few threads on here where posters have suggested that it can be a bad sign in a new relationship if the man wants to move fast, ie, moving in, wanting to get married, declaring love early on etc.

and i just wondered why this is, as i think my friend might have come across one of these guys.

she was a single mum to a 2 yr old when she met her fiancee last february. he had moved in within a month and proposed within 6 months and started saying he wanted a baby with her.

however, alarm bells have been ringing for me for a long time now as he has started to become very controlling. neither of them work and they live on benefits. however, she has told me that "her money" pays all the bills and she is left with £5 a week for herself meanwhile her fiancee does a bit of cash in hand work (he plays in a band at weekends) gets about £70 a week plus his benefits and doesnt pay anything towards the bills or food.

also he does no childcare, he goes out all the time and leaves her in with her DD but if she ever wants to go out he gets so mardy it just becomes more hassle than its worth for her. and worse, he seems to resent her little DD, he gets jealous if he thinks my friend is giving her too much attention over him, and often shouts at her dd i have been round there and seen him do it. he also says things to make her insecure, ie, talks about how "fit" his exes were and how "hot" other women are, either on tv or people he knows.

he resents my friend making plans and doing things without him and has even told her to stop making so many plans all the time. she is popular and always has people wanting to meet up with her etc. he even tells her who she can and can't be friends with. because of him, she has fallen out with her mum (because her mum doesnt like him) and also her best friend (because she doesnt like him either). he has even tried to cause problems between me and my friend as well, i dont think he likes it that we are so close. he is also very jealous and insecure of her exes, particularly her DD's dad.

they are getting married in august (in fact, he is the one i posted a thread about who wants to go lapdancing on his stag do) but the more i see of the stuff he is doing, the more i worry she is making a mistake, she is a shadow of her former self and seems so withdrawn and sad all the time

they are going to try for a baby once they are married, but the thought of that worries me to death because i just know that he will push my friends dd out even more if that does happen.

sorry this has rambled a bit but just wondered whatr people thought.

Moving too fast is a marker for abusive and controlling men.

Abusive and controlling men are astonishingly identical in their M O. This is one of the first signs.

Agree with LadyintheRadiator. It sounds like your friend's partner is controlling, manipulative, jealous and a complete loser. I don't think that the fact that he is such a tosser is necessarily linked to all fast moving relationships.

When I met DP things moved fairly fast (told me he loved me within one month and talked about spending the rest of our lives together) but he's nothing like the guy you're describing. He's considerate, helps out with childcare, is happy for me to go out with friends, doesn't talk about other women and is generally wonderfully kind, respectful and lovely.

So I wouldn't lump all fast moving relationships into a doomed category. But, I would see if you could express your concerns to your friend if you think she may listen to any advice?

You and your friend may find this useful - I think Anyfucker linked to it originally.

Yup, this guy is an abuser all right. Fast-moving men often want to establish control straight away - most wars are won with the first battle, really. If you date a man who is moving too fast for you, tell him to slow down, if he doesn't, and insists that he 'loves' you, run like fuck,
If a new relationship is a case of the perfect meeting of minds blahblahblah then you will both be happy to be moving so fast.

Oh god, this is so hard Yes he is almost certainly abusive and controlling just from your post here. I think all you can do is try to be there for her and maintain the friendship even if she seems to be pushing you away or not wanting contact, because it's likely to be him doing that. And just always give her the option to talk to you at any time.

SV...I think your friend's partner is bad, bad news

Men who push the pace too fast are very often controlling, insecure, immature, have something to hide (a history of bad relationships, perhaps) and sometimes cocklodgers.

They have to sweep you off your feet, before you realise they are asolute twats...and then it is too late because you are saddled with the fucker

They usually pick on vulnerable women...young, inexperienced, naive or coming out of (another) bad relationship

They pretty quickly revert to twattery, usually afer the first baby is born

I believe there are a few exceptions to this rule (I have to believe the "love at first sight, soulmate" protagonists on here...although it is certainly a stretch...)

This behaviour is very red flag to me though, and I would not entertain some silly romantic nobhead telling me loved me and I was "the one" within a few days of meeting him

(apologies to all the women currently very happy with their silly, romantic nobheads...I believe you are the exception that proves the rule )

When I met my husband he told me he wanted to marry me after 2 weeks, we were engaged 2 months after meeting and married after a year. We moved fast but he does all night feeds, cleaning, lets me go out whenever I like, takes kids out when I want a break, hes kind, caring, cooks me dinner most nights when he gets in from work and treats me like a complete princess, and does all this on top of working full time and doing all the DIY. We have been together 8 years now and moving fast isnt always bad.

However sounds like it your friends case he is controlling but that can happen after a couple took ages to get together. All you can do is be there for her

see ?

I knew there were a few...just a few, mind

This bloke is a nobber, though (more evidence in your other threads)

This guy sounds just like the man by mum met when I was 14 or 15 - he moved in after a couple of weeks and they announced they were getting married after 6 weeks.

On my Mum's hen night his true colours showed and he was abusive and controlling with her for years. It took her about 10 years, several injunctions and a million calls to the police to finally get rid of him. He lives on his own is now an alcoholic, has no friends and I will dance for joy the day he dies. My Mum has never been the same since and I have had to have years of thearpy and my slightly younger brother has never had a serious relationship.

You are in a really hard situation as she maynot listen to you and you could be pushed away but from your post (not just the moving too fast bit but I do think in somecases there is something in that) I would tell her to get out now.

I think the key is that if you are happy with the speed the relationship is moving at, then it's probably OK. If you feel uneasy, pressured or unsure and the bloke won't back off, then he's either a knob or an abuser.

well my friend was happy with the speed things were going, she was smitten with him and at the start he seemed absolutely great.

also thinking about it, me and dp moved pretty quick, lived together within weeks and inseperable from the start and only been together just under 3 years and already got a 1 year old together! also sometimes i think if you have already got kids when you meet someone it moves quicker.

anyway, i hope me and the other ladies on here that have success stories (ie the bloke didnt turn out to be a psycho ) carry on being as happy as we are.

but thanks for the feedback, re reading my post i think what stands out more is his knobbish behaviour rather than the speed of which their relationship happened.

i have tried to gently tell her that his behaviour is unacceptable but she loves him and finds it hard to listen so i guess all i can do is be there for her.

the mad thing is, i knew her dp before she did, we were friends! but i had no idea he was like this, he seemed really nice and i am ashamed to say i introduced them ...anyway i would love to confront him and say something about his shitty behaviour but i actually darent because i know he will then "ban" my friend from seeing me as well. so when i am around them i have to grit my teeth.