Is this blackmail?

[lindylionheart]

I have remained friends with my former DH for the sake of my DC who are now almost grown up. I met my DP 10 years ago but my ex did not and has remained single. My current relationship has not been happy and I have confided in my ex to some extent but there has never been any question of a romantic or sexual relationship between us.
Last week asked me, out of the blue, how I would feel 'if he made a pass at me', his words. I was stunned. He didn't say he still loved me, or say he wanted to get back together with me for good but tbh if he had I might have been tempted. I used to think he was the love of my life when we were married.
I said that I wasn't prepared to betray my DP in that way even though I feel our relationship won't last much longer. I said I needed time and that we needed to talk a lot more.
He then said he wouldn't see me again if I didn't want to comply with his idea. I was devastated as I still love him.
I went round to see him and he said I should go away and think about it. I'm not sure what I feel but is he blackmailing me here? He knows how much I dread him disappearing from my life again. We are not teenagers but old enough to be grandparents.

why on earth you are bothering if a man like this is in your life i have no idea.

what a tosspot to even put you in such a position.

yes it is. he is seeing how much control he still has over you.

I'd be very wary, the two relationships are different things. He is using a classic tactic. He has found a weakness and is pushing. I'd try and sort your current relationship out first, and make him back off. If he really loves you, why would he disappear? Sounds a bit odd to me.

Why do you dread him disappearing from your life?

Why did you split in the 1st place?

If you miss him so much why did you wait until you were unhappy with your DP before accepting you still had feelings for your ex?

It sounds like you both need to clear the air; you seem to feel some emotional attachment for him that goes beyond what is "normal" for an ex- and he seems to want you as a fuck buddy.

Do you both need total more openly and see if there is any middle ground?

It IS a kind of blackamil- but you can only be blackmailed, in any situation, if you have an emotional investment, or think you have something to lose- so the problem stems from you in a way- think on that.

I am still very attached to him and have known him so long I would feel bereft if he wasn't around somewhere.
We split because I couldn't cope with his bad temper and moods. He changed after kids came along.
I have always known I still had feelings for ex but tried to move on and make a life with DP.
Our relationship has always been one-sided. I was the affectionate, needy one, he was the strong, silent and distant one.
There can be no middle ground as I know he will feel his pride has been wounded by my 'rejection'. He is able to cut people out of his life for ever and has done so many times. Would have been me if I hadn't always contacted him to arrange meets.
Don't want to be just a fuck-buddy.

This is all very very odd.

Either both of you want to have another shot at a relationship- or you don't.

If you don't then back off and out of his life. It isn't fair of you to toy with him just because you can't let go.

The way I see it is you made a decision to divorce him for certain reasons. Okay he wasn't ALL bad- no one is.

But by divorcing him you should have then tried to move on so that you were not so attached and emotionally involved.

If he is saying "Have sex with me or I will never see you again" then it is blackmail and he is a bully. But on the otherhand you are only vulnerable to this because you can't let go.

IMO either you ant a full relationship with him or you don't.

You are both equally guilty of wanting to cherry-pick parts of the relationship you now want; youw ant emotional support/friendship and he wants sex.

Thta isn't fair on either of you- either think seriously about getting back with hiim, warts and all, or let him go and stop the contact with him now that your kids are older.

He may feel that the fact you've confided in him about your current partner has raised his expectations that you and he may get back together in some form. If this has been going on for a while he may be getting frustrated, wondering if you are ever going to jump ship. This may be his way of trying to bring things to a head. In which case it is a form of blackmail but he probably wouldn't see it like that.

Right now your situation seems somewhat confused. You still love your ex but you left him 10 year ago. You are having a difficult time with your DP and think that relationship is coming to an end.

Are you keeping your ex hanging round as insurance in case your current relationship ends? I'm sure you would say no to this but think about your motivation carefully.

Is having your ex around helping or harming your current relationship? Again, think carefully. You may think it is helping but is it? Really?

If you are so certain your current relationship is going to end, why are you still there?

Do you want to get back together with your ex? Is there any reason to believe it would be better than last time?

Are you stopping your ex from moving on? Again, I'm sure that isn't your intention but is that the effect your friendship is having?

I'm sorry, he has not changed. He is still using his moods/feelings to try and justify controlling you.

Stay well clear.