I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I am outraged by my Dad's flimsy grip on reality

[TheYearOfTheCat]

Sorry this is a bit long, but I am so outraged by my Dad rewriting history, to cast himself as a victim. Grrrrrr

My Mum and Dad got divorced, acrimoniously almost 30 years ago. He left for another woman. During the time since, I have always made an effort to maintain a relationship with him, but it was always fairly one-sided.

2 1/2 years ago, my sister got married, and he was invited (last minute phonecall, the day before, which was the same way I received my invite) to the evening do. Unfortunately, my sister sprang the news on my Mum that Dad was coming to the evening reception, during the meal, and Mum reacted pretty badly.

Cue another sister being dispatched to phone my Dad and uninvite him. I knew nothing about any of this, and hadn't had much to do with my sister before the wedding, which my Dad knew. I recognise that this was a pretty awful situation, and my Dad must have been very hurt and humiliated.

I phoned my Dad a couple of weeks later, and he announced that he was 'taking a break from his family in the North' (ie us). I was pretty upset by this, and told Dad it had been nothing to do with me, and I had known nothing about it. I acknowledged that he must have been hurt by it, but said I felt it was unfair to take his hurt out on everyone in the family, when it was the newly married sister who had messed up, not I. He was adamant, and I told him how upset I was by this. It felt a bit like when I was 11, and pleading with him not to leave us. I haven't heard from him in the 2 1/2 years since.

So today, I heard that one of my sisters had been speaking with Dad on the phone (to announce a grandchild) and that he had said the way I was behaving towards him was an absolute disgrace.

WTF

As far as I am concerned, I haven't behaved towards him in any way. I have respected his wishes that he wants to 'take a break from his family' (what a rehearsed bs line anyway).

I honestly think he believes this alternative script he has written in his head. Part of me doesn't care, as I no longer have any respect for him. The other part of me feels absolute outrage.

And breathe . . . . .

Write to him, saying everything you have said on this post.

bump anyone?

Any words of empathy?

this kind of behavior is so frustrating

I think some people have to convince themselves that others are in the wrong in order to justify their own shitty behavior to themselves

The only thing to do is to state your case clearly "That is NOT what happened" and refuse to get into any minute discussions of who said what, as it will get you nowhere

He was obviously very hurt by the wedding debacle and it sounds as though he assumed the worst that you were all in on the decision to uninvite him. Then to top it off you actually listened to him when he said he was taking a break from his family!

He presumably expected you to beg and plead with him not to do that and to have tried to have maintained the relationship. I suppose you need to decide if you do want to try and re-establish a relationship with him and if you do how far are you prepared to compromise?

I honestly don't think it is worth my time or energy contacting him. I'm no longer interested in having any sort of relationship with him, and I will just get annoyed by his delusional whining.

All my sisters know what he is like, and gave up on him years ago. It hacks me off that I really stuck my neck out (and got a lot of grief in the process) in order to maintain a relationship with him over the years.

He is honestly living in cloud cuckoo land.

You only have one father, and you want to break off contact with him. No wonder you feel strongly enough to post on MN before you do that, as it is a big step.

I can see why you are majorly pissed off with him, and that unlike Matilda's aunt, he doesn't have a Strict Regard for Truth. Also it is not a parent's right to "take a break from his family" if he wants to maintain contact long term. I just wonder if your father realises how you feel, and that the ball is in his court.

ElasticWoman, it is not that I want to break off contact - he is the one who announced he wanted to 'take a break'.

I was really upset by this, and told him I was really gutted, and felt he was punishing me and my children for the actions of others. There was no talking to him - he had clearly made his mind up.

It is almost as if there is a completely different narrative going on in his head. I cannot believe that he is trying to turn this round and make me the villain.

I honestly think that he is suffering from some sort of personality disorder.

"I'm no longer interested in having any sort of relationship with him" followed by "it is not that I want to break off contact".

Not sure what you do want then.