Does he still have feelings for her?

[chickenPsyc]

DP has been divorced for 4 years and from what I've been told, they didn't exactly have a great marriage before that. Infact, in her own words "I only married him because I was a single parent with no money".

He's always told me he can't stand her etc.

Anyway they have a daughter aged 13 who lives with us. Her mother is useless, stays in bed until mid-day every day, takes drugs, gets drunk and sends stupid text messages to people (like one to her 13 year old daughter saying "men think they're usuing me for sex but really I'm using them" ok

Anyway she was supposed to be picking her daughter up at 11am yeserday. DSD got ready, got changed 3 times, stood at the window from 10.45am looking for her. It got to 11.15am and still no sign. Then at 11.30am she gets a text saying "sorry, I'm not well, can we make it next week instead" I was absolutely fuming because apart from the fact that she'd upset DSD, didn't bother letting us know until half an hour AFTER she was supposed to be here, it meant I had to cancel my plans at last minute too.

I was livid, especially as we found out she went out drinking last night so she can't have been that ill. Anyway when DP got in from work he just shrugged it off but this is not the first time this has happened and it's always me left to deal with the shit because he's at work. So I said to him "I hope you're going to say something, you can't just keep letting her get away with this,it isn't fair to DSD and it isn't fair to me, I'd made plans" so he said "well, I would but I don't know what to say". So I told him if he was serious about sorting it out, give me his phone and I'd send her a text diplomatically telling her its not on. He agreed.

So basically I sent her a text saying "When its your weekend for DD will you make sure you make the effort to get here. It's not fair to everyone else when you break arrangements for no good reason". So she waited until she'd had a few to drink last night and replied "that's it, I'm taking you to court for DD". She plays this card ALL THE TIME because she knows she can control gullible DP with it. So I replied back (with his consent) that she is welcome to take it to court and the court will look into it and see exactly why we have the problems we do. DP would NEVER have said that, he would have panicked and apologised so she got a shock when she her bluff was called. She immediately backed down and started playing the guilt trip and sympathy card "you don't know what its like. I'm ill and I'm depressed and I'm not strong like you, there you have ammunition, you can take what you want from me" oh please! give the girl an oscar! so I text back saying our only concern was for DD. Anyway DP started getting all quiet and moody. I asked what was wrong and he said he felt guilty upsetting her!!! sod me and DD, but god forbid we upset the ex wife!!

I asked what he thought we should do and he replied "show a bit of sympathy". I'm livid to be honest because its like he doesn't give a shit about me or DSD, he's more concerned about upsetting her.

AIBU or does he still have feelings for this woman??

Maybe more habit of treading carefully around her than feelings for her. Is she unpredictable in general? If she is, then he may be worried about the consequences. Sounds like she's done a good job of convincing him that she's not able to cope, etc.

I don't think it's that he doesn't care abour you or DSD. Sounds more like him trying to keep things on an even keel. I think men like an easy time and many of them will do anything to keep it that way!

You're probably right. It just annoys me to see a 6ft bloke being frightened to death of a 5ft 4in woman!!

Yes she is a bit unpredictable and self confessed nut case so maybe he is used to just keeping the peace.

I don't think he has feelings for her in the way you think he does (although obviously I don't know him or her so can not be 100%).Does he have any contact with his ex other than through dd? It sounds more like he's scared of her but also you can not always switch off completely the emotions that he once had for her. Think about it, he at one point wanted to spend the rest of his life with this woman, she is the mother of his child... of course he will feel sorry for her and have to tread carefully. That said, I think he needs to put his dd's feelings first and I think you were right to text her saying it's not on. Have you tried talking to him and asking him how he feels about her? Not in an accusing way, just in a general, 'what shall we do about dsd being let down' kind of way??

I don't suppose he is physically intimidated with her, he' prolly worried about her mental state and doesn't want ot be repsonsible of pushing her over he edge as he does have a chil with her. The ex wife does not appear to be terribly stable.

Have you discussed with your dh (when you're in a calm mood), how it makes you and dsd feel to have him worrying about her when the two of you could do with his support?

He doesn't sound like he has overlooked your feelings, he did agree to you sending the text messages, just sounds like he is subsequently worried about the fall out incase she really is depressed etc, and if anything happens to her as a direct result of his lack of sympathy for ex wife (according to ex wife).

Yeah I kind of understand wat you're saying. I'm terrible with sympathy and tbh it takes me all my time to feel sympathy for people I actually like. DP is just cowardly tbh, he's shit scared of confrontation so won't send her anything which might trigger an argument. Even when she replied to my text he gave me his phone without looking at it as he was frightened of what it said!! She's always been able to control him with the threat of court action etc, it annoys me.

I have told him calmly that he makes me feel like he values her feelings over mine and he tries to assure me that it's not the case, he just doesn't know how to handle these situations which to be fair, his social skills are pretty dire! He once drove around the block twice because he noticed my ex was here picking up the kids for his weekend and didn't dare face him (despite there being absolutely no hard feelings!!). His wimpyness actually annoys me though, it makes me lessen my respect for him

Oh chicken, I can see why it would upset you and make you think less of him but it sounds like it's just how he is. I think a lot of men are like this. It's just easier for them. Not my place to suggest how you handle this but I think your calm approach is the best way to make him understand how you feel but I doubt you'll ever be able to make him behave differently. You may just have to accept that it's one of those things that drive you nuts.

My "whateverthehellheis/father of DD" is always late. Always. I now just take two hours off whatever time I want him to be somewhere ie say 10am for midday or expect him two hours after he says he'll be here. It drives me mad sometimes and at others I can let it go. Suspect you'll have a similar situation with this confrontration avoidance...

Aww I think he sounds quite lovely! I'd rather have someone like that than someone who actively looks for confrontation and 'marking his terratory' round you like some men do when faced with their girlfiend's ex's! I really don't think you have anything to worry about but I do think you should just say tat you don't want to add pressure to the situation but that hedoes need to put his dd and you first.