Anyone have anything positive to say about staying together for the kids

[Mustbetheend]

Have namechanged for this so dont out me if you recognise my (sad) story

In brief. Found out H had been having affair. Asked him to leave. Now separated for over a year. He is in love with OW. Keeps her at a distance though as does with kids - but does see regularly and pay etc. In that way he behaves well. Kids happy to see him but upset he doesnt live at home etc etc.

Eldest child has Asperger - significant behaviour problems and social problems.

Other child very young.

At same time as discovered affair, discovered significant disabling condition - I could be disabled in 10 years or I may be less disabled over a longer period - they cant tell yet. I seem 'atypical' and dont present normal symptoms but theyre sure I have something bad. Have absolutely no family support (except from afar - overseas) and not huge friend support.

H has come back recently and proposed we get back together for sake of kids. Would leave OW (but is in love so dont understand). Still very blaming towards me. WOnt go to any sort of counselling. I think is guilty. Fair to say we do still get on well together - have had to meet up a fair bit about kids and their welfare.

Also sonce H propossed this a while ago we have been meeting up more - and it has been nice- and critically and sadly for me Asperger child behaviour has improved markedly and is doing much better socially and at school.

So most people would say run a mile - get divorced amd move on.

Would anyone have anything positive to say bout trying again for kids? Anyone done it? Should add there is still mutual physical attraction -and we get on well when together. So it is possible we could fall back in deep like if not love. (is this crazy thinking?)

Mustbetheend: You say it's for the kids, but you get on well together and still fancy each other. There are worse foundations for a future together. Sounds to me like he is eaten up with guilt but that doesn't stop some men leaving their family for good. You say he keeps OW at a distance so things can't be that good between them
If he understands your health problems then he is aware that the future could get difficult. It could be that he is hiding behind blaming you, using kids as an excuse to get together again as he can't face his own behaviour.
I can't advise you here but it seems you both need to keep talking, keep meeting and see if you can work out a way forward. There might be huge benefits for all of you if you can find a way through together.
Good luck.

I agree with oldbutgold,sounds like your relationship needs working on.The affair could be a response to stress.Of course he is going to say he is still in love with the ow,otherwise how could he justify hurting you so badly?He is too embarrassed to say I want to come back cos I realise its you I really love once I found out about her moodswings etc
Have a lovely day in the garden today and be professional in your dealings with him,ie friendly,but business like.If you fawn over him or make him feel you are grateful it`s going to stoke his ego even more.But to answer your question,yes I DO think there are many positive reasons why you should stay together,not necessarily just for the kids,but because a marriage is often worth saving,unless hideous.

No, I don't have anything positive to say wrt staying together just for the kids.

My X did similar although he immediately ditched OW and wanted to come back. I refused and now, two years on, both mine and the DC's lives have changed so much and so positively it's almost beyond belief.

Your H doesn't sound as though he is working through this appropriately or seriously. If he can't come back purely for you, then don't let him back at all. You and your DC deserve better. Consider what they will learn from your choices at this point.

If he was no longer seeing ow and was willing to go to counselling id say yes, but hes not, hes blaming you and still seeing her. Presumably he hasnt had the good grace to tell ow he wants to come back ?

The fact hes said " for the kids " would be a no brainer for me. Does he actually feel you should have him back so you can offer him domestic service ( and sex ?) while he openly states hes in love with the ow ?

What would you get out of such an arrangement, and more importantly, what would your kids get out of it ? The only one to benefit from such an arrangement would be him, hed be better off financially, there would be no horrible divorce and presumably he wouldnt stop seeing the ow. Oh and he could live there and still blame you.

It must be daunting re your illness ( i think i know what your referring to ) but your kids would be a lot older then. Considering he didnt show you any support during this time its unlikeley he will in the future.

You really deserve better.

Short answer is "nope" and then what dignified said.

He needs to come back for you and your relationship. Sorry but it is that simple.

I think it would only work if you were living as house sharers, no sex and you both kept future relationships complete seperate etc.

If you're still into him he is going to break your heart all over again.

Good points. Just to clarify - dignified he is still seeing her (but does'nt see her a huge amount - sigh - dont really understand) I was crystal clear in the past that he had to get rid of her to have any relationship with me.

He probably just sees her enough in order to get whatever particular needs met. If youve been crystal clear in the past i would maintain that, to be honest i think hes got a nerve to suggest it. I would be very suspicious that this wasnt motivated by finances.

If you start negotiating now , where will it end ? What would life be like with a husband who is grumpy and miserable, blaming you for not being able to see his tart anymore ?
How would that work ?

On the other hand, if he is suggesting living together as pureley freinds and coparenting together , it could work out, ( financial support, help with the children ect ). Be sure to point out though that it would be handy to have a live in babysitter once you start dating and watch his reaction.

Im sorry your in this position, ive been there and it can be awfully tempting to negotiate when you see a glimpse of having your family back together. But remember this, you still are a family , your children still have a father , a man isnt needed to be a family. Sounds harsh, but hes a liar, a cheat, and hes not been supportive of you when you needed him most.

I went through something similar, my biggest mistake was spending time with him , i wanted things to be as normal as possible for the dcs , he on the other hand got to enjoy his girlfreind AND his family. He also got to delay a very expensive divorce as obviously i didnt want to rush into making major decisions. Worked out well for him.

For your own sake, it might be best to discuss the dcs via email or phone as opposed to meeting up and spending time. I bet he flirts with you . It can be really hard to make that break, but sometimes its necessary.( does he flirt with you ?) Id start talking divorce to be honest , if he wants to save his marriage, he knows what he has to do. Unless he starts doing those things fast, id introduce him to the real world of divorce and everything that goes with it.

Damm , just noticed i said flirt twice ! And ive not even opened the wine yet !

He isnt flirty overall. He did still hug me though.And now yes he has been much more physically affectionaate since he suggested get back together.

He knows he is on road to divorce and it bothers him in he is worried what everyone will think of him more than money (he earns a lot)

Yes I have spent time with him to make things good for DCs (know the feeling)

If I decide now not to try again, I will cut off all contact with him If Im not going to be with him its the only way for me.

I could never live in the same house and coparent as it would be soul destroying for me.

What a horrible situation, i really feel for you. Mine too was extremeley worried what people would think of him, although he didnt seem to worry what I thought of him ! Summed him up really.

Obviously you dont mention finances, but mine took advantage of the fact there was no divorce looming for the immediate future and shifted / hid all our savings. Watch out for this and also for him gaining lots of credit / finance that you will jointly be responsible for.

If you think things might be salvagable, why not book a session at relate, just for yourself ? Lots of marriages ARE repairable after an affair, but it takes lots of work on both sides. After speaking to a counseller you might decide that you dont actually want to do that. Often we cling to the image of marriage as opposed to the reality of it.

Then again, you might decide to give your H one last chance, drop the tart, get into counselling or divorce proceedings will start shortly . I think he needs a dose of life without you.

Sounds to me that OW is tiring of him and he's realised that he's made a mistake so he wants to come back on his terms. I wouldn't let him, your relationship is a role model to your DC's about what they can expect from a relationship and this sounds like not a Good One.

Hi

I am in counselling already which has been a lifesaver

As for finances -very good call. Im in control of most of the money so dont think he will hide, run up credit. He isnt very money oriented - spends very little

Problem for me is that he moved in with his family -huge support so life has been very comfy thank you and zero reality! Big problem

Sadly I think OW is totally besotted with him -he is seen as a catch so she is delighted with herself. (Swear swear)(She knows me and kids -lovely)

There is something strange about their relationship though - dont know much about it and was not giving it any head room as you have to let go or you would go mad.

An emphatic "NO" from me, OP.

If he were telling you that he had made the biggest mistake of his life, that he could never forgive himself for having an affair, especially at a time when you were physically suffering from symptoms and waiting for a diagnosis, that he would spend his whole life trying to make this up to you and had started a course of psychotherapy to unravel how he could have been so cruel...even then, I'd be telling you to watch and wait and delay any decisions. It would go without saying that the above scenario would involve a complete banishment of the OW.

Yet he is doing none of these things. He is effectively telling you that he would return to you because it would be better for the kids, his reputation, his financial survival. None of this involves love, regret, contrition or any of the things necessary to forgive a terrible hurt.

Stay strong and enjoy telling him that you have thought about it long and hard, but have concluded that he is not worthy of you. That you will never regain your respect for him and that although you would prefer that he was a more involved and loving father, you will never love him as you once did.

What might help you to do this is to get back some of your anger, because in truth, you have been given a lousy deal in life just lately. Letting someone back into your life who could treat you so badly when you were at your most vulnerable would be like telling him to kick you again.

Please don't do it.

no

what is he "offering" you exactly?

you can co-parent from different houses

he wants the cosy family unit and some bint to shag every so often

your self respect will go down the shitter if you accept those terms

don't let him trample all over your heart just to shore up his good name..tell him it is all or nothing

from what you have said...the alternative he is proposing will make you very unhappy (and he doesn't seem to car about that...)

oh, and he isn't a "catch" is he ? A cheating, selfish, manipulative twat is no "prize", no matter how much money he earns

I suggest you halt this escalation of affection appearing again between you two immediately...he is playing on your vulnerablility and that is fucking unforgiveable

you will cave, if you don't distance yourself properly

WWIFN I am very very angry again. Sadly my anger is always directed at 3 other players in whats going on inc OW - others too identifiable to post. I am angry at him but angrier at them. The old one of being easier to be angry with people you werent in love with.

He is offering:

Live close to us in own place
Look after kids more
Date and see if we can get back together
(He hasnt written it but he knows OW is to be gone totally)
Have kids weekend about
Put kids first for present

I have said I am never going through the pain,awfulness he caused me/us so he must address the selfishness, anger etc in a formal way ie counselling etc.

Counsellor says he may go to counselling but will sabotage it so it is seen not to work. So Im a bit down that insisting on that may be futile.

The problem is that we get on very well day to day - have lovely times. I find it hard to throw my children as another Mnetter said to alternate weekends and split occasions for the rest of their lives. My family do not do divorce (never been one ever)and I come from a conservative country and really did mean marriage vows etc. Its very hard.

But as WWIFN says also there isnt contrition, huge regret, desperation at how he could do such a thing. He has never been one to apologise. He comes from a family pattern that I now know to be very very damaging including a doormat mother and self centred father who spent all his time in the pub and little with family.

I suppose it is more of a trial to see if we could get a good relationship going again. I have said I have to be happy long term - I know this is essential for kids as well as me