Too old for a new start?

[oldbutgold]

Not sure I belong on here as I have just turned (gasp) 60. Can't believe it as I am sure I was 37 only yesterday. But I am a mum so perhaps it's OK.
The age thing has become a huge issue for me as I am facing the break-down of my third marriage and I feel that my life is effectively over.
I married at 20 to a man who grew increasingly violent but it still took me 9 years to get away. I married again to a man I thought was my soul mate but I left him after 16 years as he had become increasingly emotionally abusive to me and my son.
Rebound marriage to a kind man 11 years ago. He has always worked away from home for most of each week so we have had a weekends only arrangement. Although kind he and I have nothing in common and spend most of our time together in silence and, on my part, mind-numbing boredom.
There is no physical, emotional or intellectual intimacy between us at all. When I think about us and what's left of our lives together I feel profoundly depressed.
Because of my history of tolerating unhappy situations, part of me feels I should just shut up and put up with the situation, yet another part of me wants to break away and just be on my own. But I have no family apart from my son and the thought of being alone and old terrifies me.
I'm wondering whether it is possible to make a new life alone at 60. At the moment I feel very old and very down. Sorry to moan.
Any thoughts appreciated.

I don't think 60 is too old to make a new start. I'm nearly 45 though so my perspective may be a little different from someone who is closer to 60 (and there are plenty on here).

I think that if you aren't happy, then you would be better to change the situation BUT it depends on a number of things and depends very much on what kind of person you are. So, off the top of my head, some practical thoughts for consideration:

• Are you someone who is happy to be alone or do you "need" a man around? It is harder to find anyone worthwhile as you get older (or perhaps I'm just too fussy) and it may well be that you won't meet anyone else. Equally, you could meet the love of your life tomorrow.

• Do you have the financial security to enable you to start again? I know that may seem pretty blunt but you're unlikely to be happy if you have to worry about money.

• Are you "feeling old" because you're tired and fed-up? Are you able to motivate yourself to get out of that feeling or do you think you might be a little depressed? If you think you may be depressed then some form of counselling (which I'd hate, by the way) might be advisable before you make any decisions.

Anyway, not sure if any of that is helpful but I really do believe that you're not too old to start again.

welcome to MN- I am not 60 but I am mid 50s. You could have another 25 or 30 years of life left!

Big question is- can you improve on what you have by being mre communicative, arranging things to do together and adopting a positive attitude to it all? Or have you tried that already?

The other issue as the other poster has raised is- do you define yourself through relationships and do you always have to have a man around in your life?

Can you support yourself alone and would your standard of living change a lot if you were divorced- and if so, is it a price worth paying.

The other issue as people have said tome during bad patches in my marriage is- are you happy to accept that you might be alone forever? You might meet another man and you might not. How does that feel?

There ARE men out there and you don't always have to look for 60 year old men- if you are a young looking and young thinking person, and have taken care of your appearance you could meet men 5 years younger or more, at least!

I have a close friend - male- whose 3rd marriagehas ended at 55. He married at 24, divorced at 30, ( she left him), married quickly on the rebound, and 10 years later divorced his 2nd wife. After 6 years on his own he married for the 3rd time at almost 50 to a woman who seemed almost perfect. She has now fallen for an old friend and left him, after 3 dates with this new man, after 6 years.

Reason for telling you this is to show you are not alone and there are men out there like you.

it's not an easy choice, if your marriage is not violent or abusive, but just lacking in what you want- but life is for living and you have already shown you can pick yourself up - so why not again?

of COURSE you're not too old!!!

i'm still in my 30's but a couple of friends have found love in their 50's / 60's. both through a specialist dating agency (not in this country unfortunately, but there must be something like that here). both are blissfully happy after mediocre to awful marriages.

this attitude of being 'too old' is such a killer. stop with the defeatist attitude - it's no way to live. if that's the only thing stopping you, slap slap! is it really worth spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn't do it for you? if you really feel the relationship is over, then perhaps try a trial separation and see how you feel.

if you think there might be something there is it worth trying a new hobby together? preferably something sociable so you can meet new people too.

i guess i have my mum as a role model, who started a new career at 77. she gives lectures in music appreciation and is sold out for every single one! she's been widowed tiwce, once when she was only 28. she's had 4 careers and brought up 4 kids.

please, don't talk about your life being over. far far far from it.

Wow, am now in the category of people who need a specialist dating agency! Only kidding warthog and thanks for the pep-talk.
Belle and purple - I have reconciled myself to the fact that I may never meet another partner but TBH I don't think I'd want to cope with any more. It is just the thought of getting older and on my own that bothers me. I have somewhere to live and enough money (just) to manage. Guess I am just lacking in courage.

well ok - the point is that there is life after 60.

My mum's situation is slightly different - she was 64 when her husband died. But since then (6 years ago) she has been away on holiday, has had a potential romance (which she decided against but he was very keen), has taken up more craft activities and is very happy with life in general.

Sometimes starting again isn't a choice, but it's possible. I would think it would be easier when it is.

Do what is right for you - this is the only life you have, surely you deserve happiness?

I'm 55 and looking forward to my next (better) new start

Mum was 69 when Dad died. Since then she's had two long-term relationships, both with men far nicer than him. She's even learning how to accept kindness.

On a side issue: John Bradshaw, in his book 'Homecoming', tells of a 70-year-old woman who attended his course on overcoming an abusive childhood. If you're still alive, it's not "too late"!!

You say it's the thought of getting older on your own that bothers you. Is that because you don't want to live on your own, you want the companionship of a relationship or because of social opinions?

If it's that you don't want to live on your own, there are lots of other housing options such as communes etc. (don't worry, I'm not thinking Sunnybank Retirement Village!).

60 is not too old. The thought of another 30 years of sitting there listening to the clock ticking would drive me mad. The fact that you have had a weekend only relationship for years makes me guess you're quite capable on your own. What will it be like when he retires and he's home all the time? Another cup of tea dear?

I'm nearly 48 and in the process of separating.

My divorce lawyer tells me when women like us are unsure of what to do she usually gets out the life expectancy tables and says do you want another x number of years like you've already had?!