"no point in kissing if we're not going to have sex"

[anothernamechangeforme]

Am regular have namechanged.

My partner (of 5 years) said this to me yesterday. We are in a "rut" and trying to get out of it - god knows how but spending more time together seemed like the most sensible idea.

But he said this to me yesterday and I don't really understand what he means. I asked him and he means what he said, quite simply. But that can't be right can it? To feel like that?

This is going to be a post and run as I'm off to the beach at 8am. Thanks for any advice.

Does he feel the same way about hugs/cuddles too? Sounds like he associates physical displays of affection as precursor (?spelling) and pointless otherwise. I would find this a little difficult to live with.

I'm sure someone who understands the psychology behind this will be along shortly but did he come from a family who do not openly show affection?

Thanks Bella, glad it's not only me who finds it hard.

His family are a little reserved yes, but his mum is very loving if that makes sense? His mother tells even me she loves me fairly regularly. But I'm not sure what they are like physically - I don't think I've seen them hug or anything.

I'm not sure how he feels about hugs/cuddles, I think they're ok. It seems to just be kissing, and I mean properly kissing not pecking. Pecking also draws no complaints.

I can sort of see where he's coming from but I think it's nice to kiss properly without it having to move on to full sex. I suppose it depends on the circumstances. I think he's missing out on some fun with that attitude. Proper kissing is a nice way to remind each other that you're into each other without going straight to bed.

Or, perhaps you're such a good kisser/sexy woman that it leaves him so aroused he finds it hard (excuse unintentional pun) to just stop at kissing? It genuinely could be this!

Well, how often do you have sex? Apologies for being blunt but the man sounds very frustrated. Do you take time out for each otDher? Bubbly or wine, nice knickers, foreplay, etc. Do you try new things?

He's just a boy really, he hopes to pull your undies down when you snog

A lot of men are actually like that, they want intimacy (cuddles, kisses, etc) to lead to a romp. And they feel rejected if it's not gonna happen. Men often express their love in making love IYSWIM.

This is so typically male-or some males- they assume that any affection MUST lead to sex. And if it doesn't then it is not worth it.

Is he not affectionate anyway? Has he never been?

Men have to be educated that women like affection that does not lead to sex.

JUst as you can have kissing and cuddles that don't lead to sex, equally you can have quick sex without kissing and cuddles at times.

Neither is right or wrong, but each has their place.

He needs to wise-up- tell him to come off Mars for a bit and inhabit Venus for a while.

"Neither is right or wrong, but each has their place."

Very well said PP. Exact what I'm thinking.

woman are like a good car. we need regular oil and water afore we'll take you anywhere.

you can't just start the key and away you go, you need to make the investment to keep it going

actually - my rather fabulous metaphore could be used for loads of things

At beach, is Lovely will keep this short

Sex, about every 10 days, ideally I'd like more

Less affectionate now, used to be a bit affection, never loads tho.

Less time together lately hence the rut. Trying to make tine

basically as part of getting out of rut, o suggested we 'date'. On a first date whilst kissing you wouldn't say "oh lets stop kissing, unless we're going to have sex"!!!!

He might get so turned on by full on snogging that he equates it with sex, my DH is the same, even after 28 years together, he gets fully aroused at anything approaching a snog, seriously, the slightest bit of tongue does it.
It's rather flattering after all these years to still have such an effect on him.

He's very tactile and affectionate all the time (much more than me actually) so it's not as if we have little physical affection going on.

I kissed him rather passionately in a swimming pool on holiday and he had to wait a few minutes to calm down enough to be able to get out .

As long as he's loving and cuddly with you all the time, not only when he wants sex, I don't see a problem tbh.

oh god, I am in agreement with mal here again

just to reassure the OP here, you understand, but if I snog my DH he gets the raging horn

some men are just like that

if I don't fancy sex, he is perfectly OK about it, though

and, conversely, he will shag me even without a snog

so, I suppose I agree with PP too

a time and place for both scenarios