Need a bit of perspective on my childhood...

[CaroJo]

I hope this won't be too long a post...

I've been suffering from depression for over 2 years now but have only been on ADs for the last 6 weeks as a last resort.When my GP diagnosed me, he asked whether I had been abused as a child because I mentioned having difficulties with how things went back then. I was totally shocked he thought that because all I could think of was sexual abuse and that did not happen to me. So I looked at him big-eyed and said 'OMG, no!' Ever since then, I've been wondering though whether in fact my mum did abuse me in a non-sexual way. I'm going to describe a couple of scenarios I remember and would like to know whether you, as a mother (I am not one myself yet, planning to ttc next year), think that what went on between my mum and me is normal or not.

Scenario 1: My mum hit and kicked me through most of my childhood and teenager years. It wasn't so bad that I had a black eye but I did have the occasional bruise. I remember one time, she hit me so hard with the pipe of the hoover that the thing actually broke. I don't remember what exactly I did for her to do this but I must have been difficult in some way as that was always said about me. I developed this strategie where I could block the door of my room from the inside so she couldn't get to me (after she took away my key), so I must have been scared of her. Once I was big enough,I started to defend myself and hit back. If I managed to actually hit her, she would make a huge fuss and threatened to tell everyone how I was abusing her.

Scenario 2: I remember that after these fights she would often get in the car and drive away. She stayed away for hours, sometimes I was locked in my room. I can't have been older than 11 then, more likely a lot younger. I was soo scared she wouldn't come back for me, I imagined how I was going to live by myself.

Scenario 3: When I was 16, I had my first boyfriend. My mum hated that and let me know that she didn't agree with me going out with someone. She used to shout at him, called him a pimp and he wasn't allowed in our house. After I came home from our second date, she started calling me names (slut being the nicest of them) and asked me whether I enjoyed 'fucking' him. There was nothing like that going on at the time and it hurt me so much when she said these things to me.

I think this is enough to give you an idea. I'm being totally honest here and am admitting that firstly, my mum says I was a difficult child (no one else said that tough) and that I started to hit back when I was older. I only did this to defend myself and never hit her first, if that makes any difference.

She also constantly put me down, saying how I had such a bad character (inherited from my dad).

I know that I will never be like that when I have children and am very anti-smacking. All I want to know is if this sounds like a normal childhood to you and my feelings of sadness and anger are out of proportion or if indeed this is what my GP could have meant when he asked me about abuse.

Thanks if you have read all of this. I'd really appreciate some opinions.

Of course that was abuse- it sounds horrific

Have you had any therapy, because I really recommend it. The GP will be refer you- good luck.

yes, that is abuse. Undoubtedly.

You know the funny thing is, I had counselling for 6 months last year because I couldn't deal anymore with the difficult relationship I have with my dad. He left my mum and me just after I was born. During all these counselling sessions, it never occurred to me that what my mum did was wrong because to me, she was always the good one, the parent that didn't leave me and therefore loved me

absolutely abuse.

she physically and verbally abused you throughout your childhood.

No it is/was not normal.

Yes it is/was abuse. Quite horrific abuse and I am very sorry.

Let your very perceptive and clued up GP refer you for therapy.

.....and you are more than welcome to join the "stately homes" dwellers, where you will get understanding, empathy and validation of your childhood. You don't need to read the whole thread...that would be quite a big and daunting task! Just dive in, if you want to.

If someone else described this to me, I would immediately think 'abuse'. It just seems to be different if it's about myself.

I totally don't know what to make of this. My mum has been a kindergarten teacher for almost 40 years now and all the children adore her. She's so good with them. She's not a bad person at all. It was just me, she was so angry at all the time. Maybe she blamed me for my dad leaving or maybe I really am too much like him.

It's pathetic. I'm 26 now but am still hurting so much inside....

sadly yes, you have just described a catalogue of abuse.
physical abuse - hitting you
emotional abuse - telling you you have a bad character, trying to damage your relationships outside the home
neglect - locking you in your room, particularly as there was a chance you might have needed medical attention
sexual abuse - her response to your relationship, sexual taunting and insults

in my experience it is quite normal for realisation to sink in during depression or a breakdown, maybe because your mind has to minimise other distractions in order to deal with what you've experienced, and also so that you withdraw to a place where you cannot be hurt
what is your relationship with her like now?
i think you need to explore this with a counsellor, it will make it easier to eventually reach closure.

and CaroJo, you have every right to be hurt, the way your mother treated you was grossly unfair and unjustifiable.
there is no logical reason to blame a young child for their father having left. were you completely on your own when she would leave you locked in the room while she left the house after having physically assaulted you?
i feel really really angry for you

I don't really know how I would label our relationship.
I moved over here 2 years ago from abroad, so we no longer live in the same country and I only see her a few times a year. We speak on the phone on average twice a week and we are being friendly but she has no idea who I really am, how I really feel, that I suffer from depression, am on AD's, had counselling etc...

dittany, I can't even manage to think of her as two-faced as that sound so negative. I kind of feel like she is a victim as well in the sense that she was left alone with a new baby and therefore I think I blame my dad. For leaving, for not seeing what happened and for still not having a clue how bad things really where...

thisishowifeel, thanks for the recommendation. I might post there. Haven't read any of it so far...

Thanks to everyone for listening.

maristella,
yes, I was completely alone. She never had another partner again and I only have half-sibling from my dad's second marriage.

I remember she got angry with me once because apparently the neighbours told her that they had heard her scream and me cry...

I am actually crying now. This totally sounds like out of a movie and it totally sounds like abuse yet I cannot comprehend it. Maybe it wasn't that bad...

CaroJo,

I could have written much of your post. My mother broke sexual boundaries as well. I'm really sorry for what has happened to you. You didn't deserve it, not even if you were a "difficult" child - which I doubt you were, she would have said it to justify herself . I think the fact that they seem to be so plausible to others though makes us think that it must be our fault, that we have the problem, we made them do it etc.
But you were a child when these things happened.
Having my dc was a lighbulb moment - though triggered further memories - and made me see that my mother is a monster, and the blame lies with her - though she often goes on about how great a mother she is - baking cakes when I was a child, how many friends she has etc. But I like to think that she knows I've sussed her out! It's very difficult at times, but as others have said, therapy helps, as does limiting contact - it can give you a sense of control back. Like you, my mother knows nothing about the real me. Hope your GP gets some counselling set up for you.

Yes, it was abuse. Please read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward (get it off Amazon), which I think you will find enormously helpful. I think you would benefit more from psychotherapy than counselling.

My Mum only stopped hitting me when I started hitting her back too. I can see the good sides to my Mum, she can be charming, generous and kind but she treated me appallingly and certainly didnt mother me well. Also I used to focus on the abusive behaviour of my mother. It is only now that I realise my Dad's abuse was way, way worse.

I too would recommend a visit to the Stately Homes.

that is awful.

as a mother i would never ever ever do that to my child.

yes, you did have an abusive mother.

but the most important thing is that you know you will NEVER be like her.

It is really hard to get your head round. Like you, I ws much quicker to call my Dad bad (he was) than Mum. She's just as abusive, if not more so because of the insidious nature of her ... let's call it 'self-absorption'. Stately Homes is helping more than anything else, especially in the sense of gaining a rational perspective on my childhood and its repercussions.

Mine is also very "mummy" - bakes bread, was an infants teacher, etc. IMO it's not a cynical 'act' - more that she's attached to a very childish fantasy of herself. A dreadful parent, therefore.

Please do follow up with your doctor, and start doing some reading. I wish you the very best